AIBU to let my ex have everything just so I can finally have some peace?

[ByTealWasp]

I've kept the details fairly vague because this involves my children, but I honestly need somewhere to get this off my chest.
My ex-husband and I were married for 9 yrs. He's American, I'm half American and half British, and we have two boys together.

We're currently going back and forth through solicitors trying to sort out arrangements for the children, and I genuinely don't think I've ever been this emotionally drained in my life.
I feel like everything has become a battle. Things that should be straightforward turn into another disagreement, another email between solicitors, another thing to pay for, another thing to worry about. I feel like I've spent so long trying to get everything sorted that I've forgotten what it feels like to just live my life without this hanging over me.
I do feel my ex has deliberately made things difficult at times, although obviously he'd have his own version of events. I'm not claiming to be perfect, but I'm exhausted by the constant back and forth.

My partner has been supportive and can see how much this is affecting me, but he thinks I'm making a huge mistake by giving in. He thinks I'll regret it and that I shouldn't let myself be pushed into a decision just because I'm worn down.The thing is, I've reached the point where I don't even care about winning anymore. I just want it to stop.
Today, I contacted my solicitor and told them I'm done. I said I'll pay the outstanding fees and they can go back to my ex's solicitors and tell them he can have it all. I'm tired of arguing, tired of paying for every disagreement to be dealt with, and tired of feeling like my entire life revolves around this situation.

I want to be clear that I love my boys more than anything. This isn't because I don't want them or because I don't care what happens. If anything, that's what makes this so painful. I feel like I'm being pulled apart emotionally, and I don't know how much more of this I can take.And the strangest thing is that, although I'm incredibly sad, I also feel a little lighter since telling my solicitor I'm done.
I actually feel guilty admitting that. What sort of mother feels relieved at the thought of stepping back from a fight involving her own children?But I think I'm just so exhausted that the thought of not having to deal with another argument, another solicitor's email or another round of negotiations feels like a weight being lifted off my shoulders.
I'm making a decision out of sheer exhaustion rather than what I really want but I’d rather live with that than for my children to be in the middle of a fight. Their father loves them no doubt about that but he seems to want everything to be battle refuses to agree I can’t keep arguing I’m sad.

My partner thinks I need to slow down and not make any final decisions while I'm feeling like this. I know he means well, but I don't think he fully understands how completely drained I am.

I'm not looking to get into the details of the arrangements because they're private, and I won't be sharing anything that could identify my children. I suppose I just want to know whether anyone else has ever reached a point where they've been so worn down by a separation that they've genuinely considered giving in on everything just to get their life back.
I'm exhausted, and my children don’t deserve this.

We will have to see the advice I get. This isn’t set in stone. I have only sent this to my solicitor today. We will have a discussion about it before it goes to my ex husband. It’s not as though I’ve sent him a text about this.

If the children were born and primarily raised in the U.S, to U.S citizen parents, and attend U.S school, then it isn’t as simple as ‘they live in the UK now so that’s that’. They may have lived in the UK, but whether that was intended to be a permanent base or not will also matter when determining habitual residence. This isn’t simply a fight over custody, but over which country has jurisdiction.

International custody disputes are massively complicated and very expensive. He has the money to spend and the will to fight. At the very least the children will be expected to fly backwards and forwards between the countries, and there is always the risk of him retaining them there and resuming the legal fight. The Hague Convention exists, but return is far from guaranteed. That too can be and is fought in court, and the return rate from the U.S to the U.K is around 50%.

Would you be prepared to relocate once again?

This is always going to be an issue potential with couples who split and have duel nationality children.

It’s why both adults need to make sure they are set up to remain in whatever country is the one the children are to be in.

Obviously there are reasons he had to move back and reasons you moved here at all. But most of their life and family? Has been in the us, one of your children has voiced missing the us.

If you can I’d move back and then you could 50/50 parent.

Well yes, if they'd be very happy In the us with dad, go with it for the 'peace'.

Their father is in the exact same state and house they’re always known over there. They’ve got back to the same school, they’re still in touch with their friends from the states because they were born there, I attended mum groups, their father has dad friends etc.

I agree they’re going through a lot but there’s lots of support for them and we are both trying our best. They’re in counselling and that seems to be going well, they’re happy kids, very confident, kind, and love their school. They’re in clubs here same way they were in clubs in the US they’re doing the exact same thing. They go to an America school and a lot of their friends are “third culture kids”/ their parents are in England for a bit for contract jobs etc.

You seem like you’ve made your mind up. So you either agree to have them holidays and let them move back and own the decision, or you go back to the US. People are giving you advice and you’re just arguing with them. I’m struggling to understand what you want from this. Most of us have said you’re worn down, tired and in a bad place, and you should seek advice. But your mind seems made up.
maybe give yourself a month before making a decision. Go and get some therapy, go have some down time and see how you feel later. Easier said than done but I would want to 100% be sure I’d made this decision for the right reasons before I made it

I think you’re being quite judgmental towards me, every mother wants the best for their children you don’t need to judge, you can have your opinion but I don’t see the need to judge on a post where I’ve clearly stated that I’m down. As well as making assumptions. You’re making assumption based on which country is in their interest? Which I asked you to explain as I don’t get what you mean/how you’ve worked out which is in the best of their interest without knowing them.

I’ve said they’re happy in both countries I feel as though I know the children I gave birth to.

My solicitor has only been notified today no action has been taken yet. I am in counselling I’ve discussed this in counselling and you’re right and I’ve thought about this a lot it’s not just a decision I made in one day.

Lisa arterton on Facebook, theunbrokenmother

Who’s that ? I don’t have Facebook

Your original post sounded as though you were making the decision based purely on being tired of fighting,
Now you have clarified that actually your dc would be very happy back in America with their dad. So Yanbu with making the decision you have.

I agree but that’s my point.

He’s no more trying to take the kids away than OP is, without knowing more background information.

I’m tired of going back and forth to say what I’ve always wanted from the start same way he’s been saying the same thing from the start. They like both countries I don’t think they’ve be able to quantify which is better at most the America would score slightly higher but this is state specific because where we lived was warmer than here in the ‘colder months’ different climate

He will be taking the kids away though, he’s already gone back to the USA. It’s not even the same continent

Respect and empathy to you OP for being in a very difficult situation.
Like many other commenters I don’t think this is a decision you want to make out of fatigue. Regardless of the real motives, there is a huge risk (perhaps certainty) that your children will feel abandoned by whichever parent removes themselves from their day to day lives. If I were you, I would not take the risk that this was me.
In practical terms that means you need to fight to keep them with you in the Uk, or relocate to the US and co-parent there.

i also don’t understand why you don’t want to go to court - sounds less fatiguing than the current lawyerly arguing, and you will start with the upper hand.

there are no easy paths here. Good luck 🙏

Surely 1 country is better for them over the other?

I don’t understand why your or your ex aren’t considering moving back to America/UK for a few years so the DCs can have both parents.

It does sound like you’re all more established in the USA and so I wonder if it’s your partner that isn’t willing to move?

Your tired
Does it all have to go through a solicitor?
Would your job be able to be moved back to America?

Children dont care about money. Angry teens will throw back at you that you didnt fight for them or you will be isolated from them completely

Yes we agree about this. I think you
may have missed the context of my previous post, but it doesn't matter. I. Hope the two parents will find a way of both being in their children's lives rather than seeing it as either/or.

My ex husband had to move back home because of reasons out of his control. I understand why he chose to move but I’ve also just received a permanent contract here for my work. I would be able to keep my job in the states if I moved back but I’ve settled back here. My children are here with me I think my ex husband struggles with that. All
in all we are both struggling. When they are there spending time with him I really struggle so I can understand how he’s feeling right now. He calls them everyday afterschool, he misses them when he’s not with them. Like any parent in the world.

I think that’s a decision I’ll let the angry teens make. I’ll never try to tell my children how to feel they’re entitled to be upset. I hope when they’re older they can see the nuance of it all at the minute it’s just black and white. I’m not a child psychologist but I have anecdotal experience being 40 having looked back at my teenage years and what I thought/how I saw the world and different family dynamics vs now.

At the end of the day it’s about what is best for the children.

Sometimes that is dad sometimes that’s mum. Sometimes that’s 50/50. It takes a lot to in a way put your children first rather than what you’d want or prefer.

Id still honestly move and all live in the same country as possible it seems like the best result for the children both parents able to parent regularly not oceans apart.

Your children deserve to have a say in the situation. They will have views regarding UK vs US as well as staying fulltime with either parent. They can discuss these with someone independent without actually being asked to choose sides as such.

Also the UK and US are very different in many fundamental ways. Politically increasingly different. Very different healthcare and education systems (even if going private). Big cultural differences etc. If you're going off weather that implies you've really not thought it through fully.

Your children are likely still too young to know what support they might need in future but things like developing a disability or health condition are important to consider.

Would you be paying child maintenence if they move?

What is more important to you? Remaining where you are and keeping your job, or being close to your children?

By the sounds of it the relocation to the UK was always meant to be a temporary one (stationed in the UK by the military/government?), but you refused to move back to your established home. If so, he does have a case for the U.S having jurisdiction, and for the U.S being their main country of residence.

One of you is going to have to move.

You both need to weigh up the pros and cons of the children living in each country and both of your jobs etc

He cannot punish you/uproot your life because he had to move away.

But it’s also not fair for the DCs to only see parent a few times of the year if it can be helped.

How long have you been living back in the UK?

When you say he had to move back for reasons out of his control, does this mean he can’t ever move back to the UK?

If your job can move with you to the US, I would just go back there and let the children have more time with their father. This way they get the best of both of you.
Maybe you could go for 50/50 time seeing the children enjoy time with their father and he is a good hands on father to them.