AIBU to let my ex have everything just so I can finally have some peace?

[ByTealWasp]

I've kept the details fairly vague because this involves my children, but I honestly need somewhere to get this off my chest.
My ex-husband and I were married for 9 yrs. He's American, I'm half American and half British, and we have two boys together.

We're currently going back and forth through solicitors trying to sort out arrangements for the children, and I genuinely don't think I've ever been this emotionally drained in my life.
I feel like everything has become a battle. Things that should be straightforward turn into another disagreement, another email between solicitors, another thing to pay for, another thing to worry about. I feel like I've spent so long trying to get everything sorted that I've forgotten what it feels like to just live my life without this hanging over me.
I do feel my ex has deliberately made things difficult at times, although obviously he'd have his own version of events. I'm not claiming to be perfect, but I'm exhausted by the constant back and forth.

My partner has been supportive and can see how much this is affecting me, but he thinks I'm making a huge mistake by giving in. He thinks I'll regret it and that I shouldn't let myself be pushed into a decision just because I'm worn down.The thing is, I've reached the point where I don't even care about winning anymore. I just want it to stop.
Today, I contacted my solicitor and told them I'm done. I said I'll pay the outstanding fees and they can go back to my ex's solicitors and tell them he can have it all. I'm tired of arguing, tired of paying for every disagreement to be dealt with, and tired of feeling like my entire life revolves around this situation.

I want to be clear that I love my boys more than anything. This isn't because I don't want them or because I don't care what happens. If anything, that's what makes this so painful. I feel like I'm being pulled apart emotionally, and I don't know how much more of this I can take.And the strangest thing is that, although I'm incredibly sad, I also feel a little lighter since telling my solicitor I'm done.
I actually feel guilty admitting that. What sort of mother feels relieved at the thought of stepping back from a fight involving her own children?But I think I'm just so exhausted that the thought of not having to deal with another argument, another solicitor's email or another round of negotiations feels like a weight being lifted off my shoulders.
I'm making a decision out of sheer exhaustion rather than what I really want but I’d rather live with that than for my children to be in the middle of a fight. Their father loves them no doubt about that but he seems to want everything to be battle refuses to agree I can’t keep arguing I’m sad.

My partner thinks I need to slow down and not make any final decisions while I'm feeling like this. I know he means well, but I don't think he fully understands how completely drained I am.

I'm not looking to get into the details of the arrangements because they're private, and I won't be sharing anything that could identify my children. I suppose I just want to know whether anyone else has ever reached a point where they've been so worn down by a separation that they've genuinely considered giving in on everything just to get their life back.
I'm exhausted, and my children don’t deserve this.

Why they may understand why it was appropriate for them to return to their home, I imagine they will struggle to understand why remaining in the UK was more important to you then being with them. It’s not the case that you can’t, it’s that you simply don’t want to.

You sound at your wits end. Take a week off, do something just for you, get a break. Review after you've had some time.

You don’t know why I’m not in the states and you also don’t know me ? It’s just on assumption that apparently “ I simply don’t want to” like it’s that easy. Like I said in the original post I’m not going to share every single detail as it’s identifiable and I don’t think I need to in order to post on here. It’s not a pre requisite. You’re speaking as if you know me and my circumstances for certain.
When the time comes and my children are older enough/in their teens I will tell them it’s not a secret it’s just right now they’re still quite young and can’t comprehend everything. I’ve said the age range my children are in and from that anyone can infer that there’s certain things kids in that age range just can’t full understand.

This.
@ByTealWasp If deep inside you actually don't want to have your children atleast try to be honest about it (not to them but to yourself). People have given plenty of suggestions here but you don't seem to want any. As an American yourself you could move back to be close to your children but you rather just give them up to dad. So I'm deducting that you really do not want to live with them. Be honest instead of making up excuses.

Thank you! I’ve got my sibling coming to spend some time with my children and they get to spend time with their cousins. I plan to do something nice by myself maybe got to the spa

You don’t know my exact reasons ? You’re going under assumption as if you know me and my every circumstance. My children mean a lot to me they’re my world and I wouldn’t go out of my way to hurt them just because. I am taking the suggestions a lot of people seem to be going by assumption then when I ask what they mean and to clarify they don’t seem to be able to.

I know what you’ve said, which is that you could relocate to the states. Ultimately it does indeed come down to it being more important to you to remain in the UK, than it is to be close to your children.

Not necessarily. You do not even know why we relocated here in the first place. If circumstances were different my children’s father would not be in the states right now. Neither of us wanted to be in this situation/in different continents. No sane person with children within the same age range as our would. There’s reasons as to why it’s this way and this isn’t something that could be controlled by either of us at the time. I could move to the US with my work but it’ll be a lot of hoops I would need to jump through right now amongst other things going on.

I’m so sorry it’s come to this but your partner is right, now is not the time to give up everything you want for your children. Not when you’re in this headspace. You will regret it when the cloud lifts. It’s good your partner is so supportive, lean on him in this time. Tell the solicitors you’re going on holiday just so you get some breathing room. Feeling like this is a sign you need some air from it, not that you need to shut the whole thing down. Sending you strength xxx

I don’t need nor care to know why. I’m not judging whether it’s a good decision or not, and I’m not saying what you should or shouldn’t do. It’s your life.

I said I imagine they will struggle, because once you take away whatever is going around you, the fact remains that you could relocate back to the U.S, but you would choose not.

Where do the children's wider family live?

Are you considering long term living apart from your children or are the issues meaning neither of you feel able to move country longterm?

I’m so pleased they have a loving father but my DH would have to prise my children from my dead hands before I allowed them tommvoe
to another county, never mind country! He moves and he deals with it!! 50/50 and he lives nearby or zero!

no more responses, let it go to a judge, they will never allow him to take the kids out the country!

My ex husband and I both have 4+ siblings who are all all over the world. My parents retired in Portugal but they come to see the kids very pretty much every other month they come and stay for 3 or so weeks. Aunts and uncles too all around the world, some in America, some here, some in Hong Kong etc. So it’s not as though the children don’t see one side of the family they see all sides but also all sides are all over.

It feels a bit judgemental without knowing the wider reasons as to why we are both in different continents right now.

You can simply say to your XH that you need to be able to see your DC on a frequent basis, You don't want his GF, or any other future GF becoming “Mum”,
These children grew in your body, they have your blood pumping through their veins.
if he cant accept it he can take you to court. The judge will not allow them to be removed 100%.
Someone is going to be hurt & disappointed. Yes.
But dont let it be you.

It sounds tough for you all.

If putting the DC first I would suggest you work with ex H to pick a country where you can both live and make it work. Compromise may be needed by one of you, only you know which is the easier to make it work.

You can both live and work either side of the Atlantic but I think you need to be near each other while the kids are young so they grow up seeing you both daily/weekly. This is about the kids, not careers or new partners. They need to know you are both in their lives for the next 5-10 years depending on exact ages.

Please dont allow them to move to the US and you stay here unless you can be REGULARLY in their lives in person. Kids who have grown up with two parents need to parents .

Life is short.
In a blink of an eye they will be adults.
Your children need you always and forever.
Your exhaustion is nothing compared to the damage you will cause by abandonment.
Who gives a monkey about your ex 's wealth.
Children need love and support from their parents. Especially their mother.
Money does not buy this.

Forget the extended family nonsense, people are busy with their own lives and families. Your children will not be their priority.
Your children should be your priority.
Be with them. This is the biggest decision for their future.
Don't blow it.

OP, if he wants them to live with him in America, you know that's not going to happen, right? If the children's habitual residence is in the UK, your ex will not be able to take them to live abroad without your permission. That is settled law.

OK, OP, I've read your posts. It sounds like giving in means that the kids go back to America to live with their dad and they spend the lion's share of the school holidays with you in England. They are more American than English, their dad is American, they miss America and they have friends and a life there. But you have settled back in England, you have a great permanent job, and you don't want to leave. Is that about the size of it?

Whether to be the non-custodial parent or not, especially when it involves two continents, is such a massive and personal decision that I'm not sure anyone can usefully say what you should do.

I'm not sure how old they are, but could you go and live in the States near their dad initially just for the next few years? Like, five years? And see how things are then? Everything might have changed. Your DH might have got a promotion that takes him to England. The kids might really want to move back.

If you moving back to the States means that the kids could have both their parents in close proximity and return to their home country, I do think you should consider it. You can always move back to England when they are older.

Wonder where the new partner fits into all this…

My partner is American he’s not from England and has always lived in England and in America because of his work but I also don’t think this has anything to do with it.

I don’t think he’s making them live in America without my permission otherwise this situation wouldn’t have gone round in circles ? The reason we are in this predicament is because he is asking for the kids to move to America and thinks I should too. I don’t place to stay in London forever it’s not really my home a lot of my life has been spent in America and other parts growing up.

@ByTealWasp

For educational continuity and the "easiest", most natural transition for your eldest, it would seem that when they are ready to go into middle school/grade 6 in the U.S. would be the least disruptive move.

Is that the current thinking for both you and your ex?

Well, you did ask if you were unreasonable to let ex have everything so you could have some peace. If "everything" is full custody of your children in another country from you, that will not be good for your children no matter what the circumstances are; it is guaranteed that at some level they will feel that you didn't want to be with them. They won't think you made a sacrifice that was beneficial to them.

One of you needs to move so your children can have meaningful relationships with both of you.

It does have something to do with it. You became emotionally involved with another man and invested in another relationship before dealing with the family you were part of. The new relationship was cemented before the possible consequences for your children were explored and resolved. Now they are involved in a tug of war between you and your ex as a result of adults putting themselves first. Your poor children.
Your current partner is and has been involved for some time.