AIBU to let my ex have everything just so I can finally have some peace?

[ByTealWasp]

I've kept the details fairly vague because this involves my children, but I honestly need somewhere to get this off my chest.
My ex-husband and I were married for 9 yrs. He's American, I'm half American and half British, and we have two boys together.

We're currently going back and forth through solicitors trying to sort out arrangements for the children, and I genuinely don't think I've ever been this emotionally drained in my life.
I feel like everything has become a battle. Things that should be straightforward turn into another disagreement, another email between solicitors, another thing to pay for, another thing to worry about. I feel like I've spent so long trying to get everything sorted that I've forgotten what it feels like to just live my life without this hanging over me.
I do feel my ex has deliberately made things difficult at times, although obviously he'd have his own version of events. I'm not claiming to be perfect, but I'm exhausted by the constant back and forth.

My partner has been supportive and can see how much this is affecting me, but he thinks I'm making a huge mistake by giving in. He thinks I'll regret it and that I shouldn't let myself be pushed into a decision just because I'm worn down.The thing is, I've reached the point where I don't even care about winning anymore. I just want it to stop.
Today, I contacted my solicitor and told them I'm done. I said I'll pay the outstanding fees and they can go back to my ex's solicitors and tell them he can have it all. I'm tired of arguing, tired of paying for every disagreement to be dealt with, and tired of feeling like my entire life revolves around this situation.

I want to be clear that I love my boys more than anything. This isn't because I don't want them or because I don't care what happens. If anything, that's what makes this so painful. I feel like I'm being pulled apart emotionally, and I don't know how much more of this I can take.And the strangest thing is that, although I'm incredibly sad, I also feel a little lighter since telling my solicitor I'm done.
I actually feel guilty admitting that. What sort of mother feels relieved at the thought of stepping back from a fight involving her own children?But I think I'm just so exhausted that the thought of not having to deal with another argument, another solicitor's email or another round of negotiations feels like a weight being lifted off my shoulders.
I'm making a decision out of sheer exhaustion rather than what I really want but I’d rather live with that than for my children to be in the middle of a fight. Their father loves them no doubt about that but he seems to want everything to be battle refuses to agree I can’t keep arguing I’m sad.

My partner thinks I need to slow down and not make any final decisions while I'm feeling like this. I know he means well, but I don't think he fully understands how completely drained I am.

I'm not looking to get into the details of the arrangements because they're private, and I won't be sharing anything that could identify my children. I suppose I just want to know whether anyone else has ever reached a point where they've been so worn down by a separation that they've genuinely considered giving in on everything just to get their life back.
I'm exhausted, and my children don’t deserve this.

This is the reason I’d never have children with someone of another nationality

and personally if he is such a great father and assuming he wasn’t abusive - and you speak quite highly of him in some posts - then I’d have stuck the marriage out because that’s what was in the children’s best interest

We are both American ? last time I checked I did not spend my childhood in England (I went to University here) despite having a one British parent who has barely lived in England. Both my parents have now retired in Portugal.

I can care about someone and realise that the marriage isn't for me. Everyone sees relationships very different as much as it sucks we aren't together anymore we will always care about one another. I don't believe I need to stay with someone just because we have had children, sometimes marriages run their course and it sucks that our children are the ones's that will be affected but also life isn't linear, no one sane goes out of their way to get married then get divorced, I know I didn't.

@ByTealWasp

I'm going to accept your statements that 1-he had to go back to the US for a compelling reason, 2-your work isn't easily 'ported over' to the US, 3-you and their dad are equally good parents, and 4-the children have, shall we say, 'equal time' living in the UK and living in the US. That is to say equal familiarity and comfort with both countries, One place is not greatly 'better' than the other to them. Or to you.

So on the face of it you can't choose one place over the other because the lifestyle and education is 'better' there. You can't choose living with one parent over the other as one is a 'better' parent and I do not accept that a mother is a 'more valuable' or necessary parent than a father once past the infant stage. You really are between a rock and a hard place because it seems the only 'better' thing is the winter weather. And other than your son liking the weather better where Dad is, neither has voiced a strong preference.

I'm not going to ask why your exH came back here (yes, I'm in the US) but I will ask whether or not he would ever decide to move back to the UK, ostensibly for the children. If you say no way, I'll accept that. You've already said that a move for you would be difficult and not something you can do at the drop of a hat. But I will ask if it would be absolutely impossible, given time. Obvs both of you have the right to live where you want to live, but sometimes we have to make sacrifices for our children. The problem is that it would be a huge sacrifice for either of you. After all it's not like one of you is being asked to move from one end of the UK to the other. This is a huge move. But if there is a strong likelihood that either he or you might move somewhere down the line, then that needs to be taken into consideration as to where the children live.

I can't tell you what to do and I wouldn't try. These are just things to think about.

And I get that this has become, well, contentious. I don't know how long he's been gone or how long this has been going on (sorry if you've already mentioned these, or don't want to) but if it hasn't been all that long, do you think he might be willing to put things on hold til the end of the school year? Let them complete this year whilst both of you take a break until say, January, then hopefully the way will either appear clear for both of you, or negotiations can begin again.

And listen, if you decide to have the children live with their dad, I will not fault nor criticize you for that. It will not be a 'failing as a mother' if that is what you decide to do. You will be making the decision that you feel is right for them, even if it may not feel right for you. But do see if you can get some kind of legal agreement on this as far as retaining legal joint custody even if physical custody is with him. (These are the US terms in the state I live in, not sure what the UK 'legalese' would be).

Good luck.

@ByTealWasp
Apologies I thought your ex had to move back due to work.

OK. Please could you answer the next few queries as I am still not clear what you want from this thread

*Do you want to co-parent with your ex?
*Would you like both of you to live in the same continent?
*Is he able, at some point in the near future, to live & work in the UK?
*Are you able to live & work in the US?
*Which continent would you prefer to live in?
*Which base and scenario would be the most stable & best set up for your DC?

Sorry i dont understand.

Are you arguing about finances or child arrangements?
As yes give in all you like on money- the children make sure you prioritise their stability, familiarity and peace of mind

If you were good living in America before, it is difficult to understand what has changed. What could possibly be so important that you would give up your children? Even an elderly parent with high support needs doesn’t supersede a close relationship with your child for most people.

Based on the information you are willing to share on this thread, you are making a horrible mistake. Not in giving up fighting your ex, as you are correct that either of you is capable of being the primary parent. The mistake is not figuring out a solution that lets both of you be active parents, even if that means capitulating to his demands because he won’t compromise.

I think your thread title has cost you here. It reads as you wanting peace for yourself so you're giving up your kids. But as you've spoken through the thread it's clear that is not how it is.
Your situation sounds very hard. I don't know what I'd do.

I don’t think any of us can really advise beyond “don’t do it” because we don’t know what made the father relocate back to the US while his kids were living here in the UK. I do think that reason is significant, because he has prioritised whatever it is over living near his children. That automatically makes me judge him negatively because I feel that children of that age should always be their parents’ first priority. I wouldn’t reassess that judgment without knowing his reasoning.

If I were in this position with my dc under 10, nothing would make me capitulate and see them live on a different continent to me. Particularly, right now, the US, given that it is starting to look more and more like a hostile state. US courts never extradite US citizens, and I would imagine similar would happen with children, so even if their father lost the ability to parent them I don’t see that the US system would support the OP to bring them home to her. I just wouldn’t risk it.

@ByTealWasp
Marriage is a contract. A promise. You have even more responsibility to make it work when you have children and ensure it doesn’t run its course - doesn’t sound like it ran its course for him since you suggested divorcing was your choice. Have to say your reply is making you out to be a certain person - your marriage wasn’t for you so you quit it. Now continuing to fight a case for your children isn’t for you so you are quitting. I admit I just don’t understand people like that

You don’t know why we divorced you are kind of making things up not sure why ? People are allowed to leave a marriage in any situation for that matter it’s not illegal to divorce. It’s okay if you don’t understand. I’ve said from the outset neither of us went into marriage in hopes of it failing so I’m kind of confused what you mean by this contract etc. We both tried and it didn’t work, we didn’t just divorce for the fun of it.

Would this mean you never saw your kids and he had full custody? I would keep
fighting against that.

If he wants 50/50 I’d let him have that as unless he’s a monster that will be best for the children in any case.

I’m confused by this. If you’ve been resident in the uk for 6 months then you can/should be divorcing in the Uk.

if the DC have been living in the Uk the Uk courts will keep them in the Uk. The status quo will always be the prevailing choice of the judge.

It’s almost impossible to comment without knowing exactly what the sticking points are on the children.
are you being unreasonable in your requests around the children? It could be you just need to be a bit more flexible to get the deal done so to say but we don’t know this.
Could you freeze the proceedings a while to let the situation cool and give you a rest?

To add if the children are settled in the UK I absolutely think the wrong thing is uprooting them to the US.

So why don't you move back to America then? You are planning to move back "sometime", your partner is American, you could find work there even if it meant some logistical hoops to solve.

But no. You rather stay put in London for awhile abandoning your kids. Yes, abandoning. I was very sympathetic to your case at first but the more we find out it just seems obvious that you do not want to have 50/50 custody with your ex. You rather stay for a bit in London and move back when the kids are grown up. Atleast owe it then. I feel sorry for your kids because you don't make them a priority in your life.

@ByTealWasp

We are 10 pages in and I am still not sure what your ideal co-parenting arrangement is with your ex.

Part of me thinks you want to ship your DC off to the US to stay with their dad whilst you stay in the UK.........is that what you want?

Tell us what your ideal parenting set up would be. Even better, answer my questions at the top of this page.

I have read all your posts OP and I can see what a difficult position you are in, very hard decision to make.

Your children are still very young, you say they are happy, confident, etc. I can tell you from experience that you can’t know how they will be as teenagers and what emotional support they will need. You cannot be a long distance mother.

It doesn’t matter that extended family are all over the place and grandparents are in Portugal but still get to see them!

I understand why you want to stop the legal battle but surely if you ex is a good dad as you say, he will understand how important it is for the DC to have their mother involved in their life?

If he cannot move back to the UK, why don’t you consider moving to the USA? It sounds like you could definitely do that. Is having your UK contract more important?

You are making a mistake and you won’t be able to turn back time.

Do not give in. I know how draining it is, but you have to future proof and get what you are entitled to (not bleed him dry- I don’t condone people taking their ex spouse to the cleaners for the sake of it) but what is fair.

I did not do this and the years later I’ve got very little financial security and I’m very worried about retirement and old age if I’m lucky enough to get there. Meanwhile ex h is mortgage free with a huge pension. I was depressed and anxious at the time of the divorce and settlement and I just gave in. It was a huge mistake.

This is likely too simplistic but given that you and your ex disagree can it not go before court for a decision to be made. If your current relationship is the reason you cannot move to the US (as you have also stated you could pick up work in US) how could that be imterpreted down the line by your children?

With young children all you have to do is to put their needs front and centre ahead of anything else. So what is it they need? What most children need, more than anything else, is both parents actively present in their lives. Therefore you do whatever it takes to make that happen, sounds like finances aren’t a barrier so I’d suggest you decide which country is going to be their home and then you do whatever it takes to ensure both parents live there. It’s really very simple, if the children are the most important factor in all of this.

This reply based on personal experience of similar controlling personality as the dh.

Carry on fighting and in ten years, both kids will despise their father and possibly OP as well. They will need therapy, but it'll be too late. Their life chances will be permanently impaired, they will have no peace of mind and no clear sense of identity.

Your job OP is to stop your controlling dick of an XH from ruining you all.

Your lawyer should be firmly in control of this and removing stress from you by explaining how things are going to be. Why is he/she not doing that?

I know only one person who did this. I completely understand why they did it - they didnt have any more fight left in them and it felt like the only option. I have nothing but sympathy and understanding for them. However they hugely regret it now. That decision will impact the rest of their lives for the worse and I know if they could turn back time and change things they would’ve made a different choice however impossible it might have seemed.

How you can even contemplate willingly living on a different continent to your young children is utterly beyond me. If you believed that they would be better off in the USA and spending time with their dad, why aren’t you moving out there and having 50/50? Honestly, it sounds like you just don’t want to be a mother.

My partner is American

You don’t know my reasons or why we moved here but alright.