To feel jealous of work colleagues

[Sliverofdarkness]

I've taken a career break and have gone back to work after several years out with the kids. I didn't have much choice in the matter as the kids were close in age so childcare was so expensive that there was no advantage to working, only a logistical nightmare. And we had no family support on either side.

I now find some of my peers far ahead of me (mostly male but some female ), in director roles. I know they have similar age kids. But whenever any mention is made of school holidays, teacher training days, teacher strikes etc, and I end up taking time off, often unpaid, it emerges that they simply send their kids off to be minded by grandparents, often for weeks at a time in summer. Or they get away for a weekend with their partner, while their parents mind their kids.

I can't help feeling really annoyed. Neither of our parents would ever do that for us, and at this stage we wouldn't even ask. But these people I work with seem to act like it's totally normal. They also all seem to have free holidays in their parents' holiday homes whenever they want, in France or Spain. Am I being unreasonable to be pissed off about it?

Yanbu. It’s unfair. I just promise myself I will be a very hands on grandma if I ever get the chance

They sound like shit parents who aren’t interested in spending time with their kids.

Comparison is the thief of joy.

however, I would not agree that you had no choice in giving up work. Childcare is a joint expense and even if in the short term there is little financial advantage to going to work, if you play the long game, it can pay off, as you are now discovering, seeing the advances your peers have made.

You are unreasonable in being pissed off about something you have no control over. You received no help from your parents - quite common I imagine.

How does sending children to spend time with grandparents equate to being a shit parent?

“They send them off to grandparents often for weeks at a time”

I wouldn’t send my kids away for weeks at a time to anyone, grandparents or not.

Really?
i grew up in the 70s and both my parents worked full time. I spent weeks during the summer at my grandparents’ house - and it never occurred to me that I had shit parents.

This, in itself, doesn't make you a good mother. I have a fantastic mother. I spent three months in Summer with my grandparents abroad from the age of two so my mum could focus on work and studies to give me a better life and opportunities. As a result, I have very strong bond with my extended family which is my absolute anchor in life. And I have fantastic memories of my childhood summers too. How very dare you to imply that my mum was a shit parent!

OP, I understand how you feel but I also believe you are unreasonable to be pissed off. Simply because you can't change it. You don't control what other people have and you don't control what your parents and IL are able or willing to offer. By focusing on that, you are just poisoning your own life. It is what it is. So what if someone is higher up in their career right now? You don't know where you might be in the next five years or whether career is even going to be important to you. Focus on what you need to do to get where you want to be and don't worry about anyone else's journey.

My parents were absolutely not shit parents, yet I spent time with GM and in summer camp in summer. 8 weeks (where I grew up) is simply way more than holiday entitlement...
Best fucking times tbh

That’s a bit strong.
I’m a real advocate for women being able to do both - have successful careers and be incredible mums at the same time. It’s people like you that consistently tear us down and make us feel inadequate, and frankly contribute to inequality that still rages on today.

Normal means different things to different families at different times.
With my first I had lots of support from my parents and in-laws, DC would spend loads of time with them which was amazing while I worked. With my second I’ve had zilch support because said family is either dead or incapable.
Your normal is just different from theirs.
As for career progression that’s a choice you made; I’m not saying it’s right or wrong but now you do have to work that bit harder to level up with your peers who worked throughout.
You sound pissed off with your own situation which is understandable @Sliverofdarkness but I think you’re directing it at your colleagues unfairly.

YANBU

You chose to give up work and your career, you say there was no advantage to working during to childcare costs but although there was no short term advantage you’re now realising there would have been a long term advantage. If you’d stayed at work you would be further on in your career than you are now. You can’t be pissed off at others for the choices you made or for having different circumstances to you, you chose to have children in a situation where you have no family help.

Many parents would love the chance to be stay at home parents while their children are not yet at school and who can replace that time you had with your children? A higher job can’t replace it that’s for sure. You were lucky to have that opportunity so try not to regret it. The grass is always greener.

I have had both. With my two oldest children I was a stay at home mum until they went to school and with my youngest two I continued working and used nursery. Dropping them off at nursery was sometimes horrendous. I felt so guilty and sad. My two oldest absolutely loved having me at home with them.

I’ve always had help from my parents but only when they want to do it. If I accepted their help I always felt like I needed to repay the favour; that I was in their debt which I didn’t like especially so only used the help when we truly needed it.

if you are healthy and have been blessed with seeing your little ones turn into little people then are lucky. Try and appreciate it.

This!

Agreed!

Well the poster said "shit parents" not "shit mother"!

It was your mind that automatically went to the "shit mother" so maybe you are the one who holds internalised misogyny and contributes to inequality

Sorry but the reality is that you chose to have kids in a situation where you couldn’t afford childcare while maintaining your career. This isn’t the fault of your parents or in-laws. How can you and your partner manage things in a way that will support your career progression?

I think your colleagues are the minority! My friends and i have all "worked through" and have been utterly dependent on the ever more expensive combinations of nursery/childminder/wraparound plus holiday clubs etc. I dont know many getting regular extensive childcare from the grandparents.

Parents quite clearly includes the woman?

Same. The ‘village’ is no longer available for 99% of parents these days. The boomers are either still working themselves or just don’t want to look after their GC on a regular basis - which surprises me as they seemed to get lots of help from their own parents but choose not to pay it forward.

It is frustrating but you can only play the hand you are dealt.

I work in a senior role and when DS was born all 4 of his GP were already deceased.

Juggling holiday time, managing sickness and now school commitments while still fulfilling my job requirements has at times been a logistical nightmare.

School closes for bad weather, most of my peers just ring up GP and arrange help for the day. I have no such luxury.

School holidays entail DH and I having opposite time off to cover it all between us.

It did used to bother me more than it does now as I have accepted that it is just down to circumstantial chance. You simply have to react to the situation using the available resources which for some of us will be a lot less than others have available.

Not true actually. We moved close to my parents, at their suggestion when the children were young, having lived overseas. We didn't know they would then choose to be uninvolved with their grandchildren.

DC spending time with their grandparents while their parents work now equates to being shit parents?! Blimey, the stick to beat working parents with grows by the day!

OP you made your choice and they made theirs. I’m a female in a senior role with no ad hoc GP help. They have my DC for one day per week max in the holidays. They don’t enable our day to day lives. We’ve juggled expensive childcare, holiday clubs, unpaid leave, illness and opposing AL for years ourselves, but it’s always been a joint effort, not one that I’ve borne on my own.

Interesting that you only mention you taking the days off, where is your DC’s dad in all this?

That's true. You know what they say, on your death bed, no one wishes they'd spent more time in the office. I really wish I'd had all the time at home when my kids were very young, but sadly, it wasn't possible.
I did have some help with babysitting, more than some people, less than others, but that's just life. I only get annoyed when people who have lots of free help, or lots of money to afford nannies etc, act like it's weird that some of us struggle for childcare at times, or don't appreciate how lucky they are.
The free holidays I'd not care about OP, I'm sure they're nice, but kids couldn't care less how fancy their holidays are when they're small, they can have just as much fun on a cheap UK break altogether.