To feel jealous of work colleagues

[Sliverofdarkness]

I've taken a career break and have gone back to work after several years out with the kids. I didn't have much choice in the matter as the kids were close in age so childcare was so expensive that there was no advantage to working, only a logistical nightmare. And we had no family support on either side.

I now find some of my peers far ahead of me (mostly male but some female ), in director roles. I know they have similar age kids. But whenever any mention is made of school holidays, teacher training days, teacher strikes etc, and I end up taking time off, often unpaid, it emerges that they simply send their kids off to be minded by grandparents, often for weeks at a time in summer. Or they get away for a weekend with their partner, while their parents mind their kids.

I can't help feeling really annoyed. Neither of our parents would ever do that for us, and at this stage we wouldn't even ask. But these people I work with seem to act like it's totally normal. They also all seem to have free holidays in their parents' holiday homes whenever they want, in France or Spain. Am I being unreasonable to be pissed off about it?

I have parents who have chosen to have very little to do with their grandchildren despite moving 3 streets away to “be closer” who are now regretting it as now my children are adults they want nothing to do with their absent grandparents;my grandson is 7.5 months and my parents haven’t met him and have only met 2 year old DGD three times in her lifetime.

I however have chosen to be as hands on as possible as a grandparent even though my DS/DIL live 90 minutes away due to my DS’s job;we’ve actually just come back from a weekend’s holiday at the coast with my DGC to give my DS/DIL a break.

Similar happened with my parents. We moved from Cornwall back to Scotland so that they could have a closer relationship with my DC (and vice versa). They promised the world, used to say how much they hated missing out on the kids growing up and doing GP sort of things like sleepovers, baking, taking them to the park etc etc.

After we'd moved back to Scotland, all of their intentions fell flat. DC went to nursery, so I didn't ever ask for nor want day to day childcare from them.

It's hard when you see friends' parents being so hands-on and involved but you can't force them to be that type of GP if they don't want to. Just remember this when they're old and need your help!

Around here, I feel in the minority. As I can think of plenty of friends, siblings and cousins who get weekly help from grandparents.

Why are the GPs helping your siblings but not you?

My siblings inlaws.

I have noticed an odd thing on here about how spending every minute with your child proves you're a good parent. But isn't everyone on their phones anyway 🤔 Reminds me of the people who think working every hour under the sun proves you're good at your job or a hard worker.. I don't agree. A good parent isn't their child's best friend. A good parent takes care of their own health first. A good parent allows their child freedom to experience other parenting skills and be around other family and build bonds.

What about parents who send their children to boarding school? Are they automatically shit parents? (Maybe.. 😅).

You're being unreasonable to be jealous. Life means you're always better and worse off than other people. Learning to manage your feelings and not having petty emotions based on other people's lives will help

I think this is how it’s going to be. Gen X will step-up for their DGC as they’ve experienced how difficult it is without family help. I certainly will be a hands-on GP too. I know exactly what help my DC will need when the time comes. Sounds like you do too.

Don't be silly. Their children are spending time with family, and having a few weekends off is no big deal.

YANBU Both sets of my DGPs looked after us for a week or two at a time...however my own DM did not pass the favour down.

Is it a generational thing? Mine are either side of 80. The newer lot of Grandparents coming through seem to be a lot more hands-on.

When my kid's were in primary school, half of their class went abroad to grandparents for the entire summer.

I felt hugely envious.

My kid's grandparents live in the same country as them and barely see them. One of their grandparents can't actually tell one of my kids from the other despite the kids not looking alike.

I honestly wonder whether some grandparents aren't involved because the infamous MN 'boundaries' have been set by the younger generation??

I often wonder this too, especially this ‘baby bubble’ thing that’s so popular now, so some grandparents don’t get to see the baby without a gold embossed invitation and a list of strict rules.

I was probably one of those people. I had four children in 6 years. They were 6, 4, 2, and a baby. I went back to work when each was six weeks old as there was no paid maternity leave back then.

Yes, childcare was crippling but when you say there was no advantage to working, you’re seeing it now. The advantage is in the career progression.

My kids are now wonderful adults. Did I miss out on some things? Absolutely! There was lots I didn’t get to do, but, we all make choices and I did my best to make up for it with quality in the time we did have together and as they got older, extra activities and holidays we could afford because I had always worked.

We all make choices we have to live with. There are advantages and disadvantages to both choices. I certainly went through times when I envied some stay at home mums whose husbands were high earners, but I knew my choices were my own.

We had DS in a different country to all our families. That was our normal and the normal of most people we knew with children — I do t know too many adults who live close to their parents.

It's not unreasonable to wish you had had the same advantages as your peers, but it is unreasonable to be 'pissed off', as you put it, with them-what were they supposed to do? Turn down family help because you, or someone like you, might come along and resent them for having had it?

This sounds a bit like two of my fellow mature students who were pissed off because they had kids (although older ones) and i was child-free. One of them even commented "I can always say I got a 2/1 degree in my spare time." when I reminded her that she chose to get pregnant.

@SereneFinch

spending EVERY waking moment with your dc ≠ good parents…

I’m with you OP. People with grandparents who take children for afternoons, overnights or weekends or even on holidays are basically living a different life to me and experiencing a very different motherhood. One with support and breaks !

And then maybe Gen X’s children will be uninvolved grandparents later on because they had so much help? Because everyone is saying all the boomers had loads of help yet never passed it down. So the next generation to have loads of help may go the other way themselves later on also. The cycle continues.

So I find this really odd, as a widow I have/had even less help & support than you but it is not about comparison different choices affect things differently. Moved close to one set but the only time actively involved was during late husband's illness not before & not since - only had children overnight once since bereavement. Other set still worked & lived to far away.
I personally spent a lot of time with grandparents as a child one set but not the other, their circumstances were different it didn't change the fact I was loved. And it didn't make my parents bad parents
I knew people who had childcare support for work but never got to go out as they felt they couldn't ask any more.
No set of circumstances are exactly the same & no set choices is going to create a mirror image. You only ever see part of the picture, the part that they want to share which creates the image that they want the world to see. They might be jealous of the fact that you were able to stay at home & they couldn't make that choice

So you chose to have children whilst living overseas away from all your family? You can’t really expect to move away from your family and then move back and have the same close relationship as you had before. Moving overseas sends a message to your family regarding how much you value physical closeness and practical support etc. It seems unreasonable not to care about being close to your family until the point you feel they can offer something in return, you chose to live away from them and to have children overseas, you can’t then move back several years into having kids and expect your parents, who are used to a distant hands-off relationship, to suddenly be doing everything they might have been if they’d been close by from the start.

How silly. Of course you can have a close relationship while living overseas. My parents totally understood that I moved for my career, not because I don't want to have a relationship with them. I understood that it meant practically they could not support me as they could if I lived down the road. There is no need for toxicity or controlling behaviour.

Providing for their kids and advancing in their careers so their kids can have a good life with experiences is being a shit parent?

FWIW OP I do not send my children away to their grandparents as I don't like the idea of them being overseas without me. We used a combination of paid childcare, annual leave and unpaid leave.

I continued working full time after each pregnancy and am much farther ahead career-wise than those who stepped away to be SAHMs. To me, that part is quite logical. They essentially pressed pause on their careers and I did not.