To feel jealous of work colleagues

[Sliverofdarkness]

I've taken a career break and have gone back to work after several years out with the kids. I didn't have much choice in the matter as the kids were close in age so childcare was so expensive that there was no advantage to working, only a logistical nightmare. And we had no family support on either side.

I now find some of my peers far ahead of me (mostly male but some female ), in director roles. I know they have similar age kids. But whenever any mention is made of school holidays, teacher training days, teacher strikes etc, and I end up taking time off, often unpaid, it emerges that they simply send their kids off to be minded by grandparents, often for weeks at a time in summer. Or they get away for a weekend with their partner, while their parents mind their kids.

I can't help feeling really annoyed. Neither of our parents would ever do that for us, and at this stage we wouldn't even ask. But these people I work with seem to act like it's totally normal. They also all seem to have free holidays in their parents' holiday homes whenever they want, in France or Spain. Am I being unreasonable to be pissed off about it?

I don't know, maybe it's how I read it (it's been a long day and not over yet 🤣) but if both parents are putting in long hours, can't/don't take time off when the kids are ill, have them with relatives most of the holidays, going away for weekends (and don't get me wrong, I'm sure they genuinely need that time but with everything else, it's a lot of time apart as a family)

Shite parents isn't the right term really, now I've thought about it better. It's swings and roundabouts though isn't it? Maybe they're looking at op and thinking she's lucky for getting a bit more time with the kids

This was my friends situation.
Golden son and his family got endless childcare and tine.
He had always been the favourite growing up.
When him and his wife no longer needed support they were infrequent visitors and her parents took to putting pressure on her to suddenly start visiting.

Her children were by this time very busy with sports and had zero time.
A transfer with her husbands job, paying substantial moving costs, to a near university city was too good an opportunity to pass, and they moved 2 years ago.

They love city life and everyone has adapted really well and will hugely benefit from going to university and living at home.
Her parents tried to guilt her but it was very clear to her that it was elder care they were thinking of, because she and her family have been largely superfluous to requirements for years.

She pops down every 4-5 months but her children are very busy now and have zero interest.
She doesn't feel she should put any pressure on them, so doesn't.

But nowhere does it say they can't/don't take time off when the kids are sick or that they spend most of the holidays. It just says some go to their grandparents in the summer sometimes for a couple of weeks and grandparents also help with things like inset days. It's a massive leap to go from being jealous of some families having grandparents that help with childcare to stating those parents are "bad parents".

It's possible that some of her co-workers think OP is lucky she took a career break to be a SAHM for a bit. It's equally as possible that some look at OP and are relieved they didn't make that choice. Some probably feel very lucky to have supportive parents. Others may feel OP is lucky that she is in a more junior role and can take days off more easily. And others still may wish their parents would back off a bit.

In reality, I would guess that the majority are simply doing what works for them and paying absolutely zero attention to what anyone else thinks about it or how they may do things differently.

I understand what you’re saying. Spending time with GPs is great - it’s great because they’ll bond, because it’s time with someone that loves them enough to spend time with them. I’ve no doubt, a loving GP will look after their GC in a way that a paid childminder might not… cook them healthy meal, maybe help with homework, doesn’t leave them in front a screen for too long, remembers to clean and iron their school shirt, engages with them.

From the perspective of the OP, all these wonderful aspects just highlight how much more difficult it is when one does not have that family support. A childminder is transactional… you give them money to mind your kid. It’s a contract, even if it’s casual, there’s a start and end time and often instructions have to be given “can you please cook this meal (or often just reheat)” / “make sure they do homework” etc. The very fact that so many commenting here about the amazing bond many kids and grandparents have when they spend time together, only makes it harder reading for those who dont have family support.

Hahaha what rubbish 😂

How the hell did you reach the conclusion that they are shit parents who aren't interested in spending time with their kids all from that one post????? Jeez

Not really. They just sound like they have family who are supporting them.

A lot of this is just lifestyle choices. You didn’t have to have children, you didn’t have to have more than one child, you didn’t need to have them close together and you probably knew your parents wouldn’t really assist etc. Your husband could have taken time out of work or you both could have dropped some hours. There were plenty of choices made but you are now regretting them in short. For clarity lm saying this as someone with twins, who didn’t stop work or go part time and we pay for all of our childcare

Very interesting to read all the responses. I think a lot of people here are completely missing my point here. And I just want to state that I absolutely don't regret taking some time out after my 3rd child to mind my own kids when the cost of childcare was equal or greater than my salary.. But I would have liked to have been able to go back quicker than I did, but due to many different reasons - covid, having to home school my older child and then 2 of my children, while being unable to get childcare for the younger ones and refusal of any support from my parents, it was impossible. When the creche eventually reopened, they unexpectedly decided to stop doing afterschool from the school and all the other creches and afterschools were full with long waiting lists. I had 2 different drop off times in 2 different locations and 3 different pickup times every day with no wrap around care options, and a baby in tow. I also had to find another job as my previous workplace had let all their staff go. I'm envious that some of these colleagues and many friends had grandparent support then that kept them going. And I can see the difference it continues to make that they have that support. That is all.

This really has nothing to do with your colleagues though, isn’t this about how your parents let you down?

You did a whole house move thinking they’d help out. Now thats the real story here.

But you chose (I assume) to have three children. Part of our logic for only having one was the fact that we both have demanding jobs that we love and didn’t want to take a step back from, and there were very limited childcare options locally, plus no family help in a childcare emergency, because they all lived in our home country.

It just sounds a bit like choosing an unnecessarily complicated life and then complaining when things don’t fall into place to support that.

Im not sure if theres a lot of parents here who get too much a lot of help from their parents and feel defensive over what the op is saying. A lot of protesting and not much honesty really.

Ultimately when you choose to have children you do so knowing that you have to put them in childcare or that you have grandparents.

The thing you should be mad about is that women are the ones who are expected to drop everything for the kids and not men. Or that we don’t have a good enough system of childcare to make it affordable to all without.

But being angry because someone has relative who support them is misdirected.

No, life was fine until the scenarios mentioned above happened. It wasn't an unnecessarily complicated life, I am very capable of managing my children and am so thankful they have each other now and when we are gone. I also love my children 100% more than any job.

I got the same impression 😂

Well maybe they are now a director because they had free time to study extra courses or stay late at work, because a willing grandparent was picking up the slack and giving them more time to their career for free.

There was very little sitting, being at home with kids. Far more now, sitting in an office job actually.

Ok but that isn’t their fault though, it’s not something they’ve taken from you. Societal rules where mums pick up all of the childcare and emergency sick days is the problem, not that they are fortunate enough to have family to do childcare.

They may have chosen to live close to family for childcare and may now feel limited because of that…

There is literally no reason for them to be given these negative vibes. Are you jealous of those who are prettier than you, smarter than you…these are things some people have just out of sheer good luck.

It’s not worth it to be jealous, I mean maybe a little bit of benign envy, but jealous to the point of needing to air it online is a bit much. You are happy and have a loving family, enjoy it

Or maybe (more likely) it's because they didn't take a multi-year career break. No need to diminish their achievements because you are jealous.

There is no reason why you won't also become a director if you are as capable as your colleagues. It will take time and effort though, as it did for them.

Yes. Being envious of those perceived to be luckier is so negative. We all could be envious. People with more money,nicer houses better holidays etc etc. You get the gist.
You are annoyed that your parents wont help. Your grouse is with them. Not your colleagues
I agree you are unlucky. Maybe your parents are selfish. Who knows their reasons. Coping with several children?But ultimately the DC are your responsibilty. Everytbing else is a bonus.

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It was a choice for the OP to take a career break. That choice has consequences. Rather than being jealous of other women she’d be better off looking at how she makes up for lost time.

Exactly. These were choices which were made and OP is now regretting a lot of them. But instead of thinking what part she played in it all then she’s being jealous and negative about her co-workers. Her time and effort would be better placed having a more equal partnership with her husband, working on her career etc