To feel jealous of work colleagues

[Sliverofdarkness]

I've taken a career break and have gone back to work after several years out with the kids. I didn't have much choice in the matter as the kids were close in age so childcare was so expensive that there was no advantage to working, only a logistical nightmare. And we had no family support on either side.

I now find some of my peers far ahead of me (mostly male but some female ), in director roles. I know they have similar age kids. But whenever any mention is made of school holidays, teacher training days, teacher strikes etc, and I end up taking time off, often unpaid, it emerges that they simply send their kids off to be minded by grandparents, often for weeks at a time in summer. Or they get away for a weekend with their partner, while their parents mind their kids.

I can't help feeling really annoyed. Neither of our parents would ever do that for us, and at this stage we wouldn't even ask. But these people I work with seem to act like it's totally normal. They also all seem to have free holidays in their parents' holiday homes whenever they want, in France or Spain. Am I being unreasonable to be pissed off about it?

childcare was so expensive that there was no advantage to working,

...

I now find some of my peers far ahead of me

only read the first part of the OP.

We need to educate our daughters.

As a single mum with no support nearby, I worked all the way through, and managed to maintain my career trajectory. I knew that would be impossible with two and my ex had clearly demonstrated he had no intention of ever doing a school run or a sick day, so I stopped at one.

I guess it's a choice we all have to make. You chose to have two children and take a career break, and I am sure there are people who envy you that.

i did. They loved it. Their grandparents loved it.

I am not behind my peers and my kids and parents have a fab relationship.

but you stay on your "working parents are shitty ... wah wah wah it's so unfair that my different priorities put me behind them in terms of work" high horse.

Every family is different, and you have NO IDEA the struggles they may have had (as i did, missing out on team events after work, some travel etc etc) in order to keep a roof over our heads, keep my sanity by not being the only parent in our house, and keeping up my pension contributions.

I'd choose my shit parents any day, as I had amazing times with my grandmother and cousins. She's been dead for 30 years and is still one of my favourite people 😊.

I'm also a shit parent, which means my daughter loves her grandparents. Even now at almost 18 they have their holiday rituals.

that would be the same village they want but also they have an absolute hissy fit if someone tries to stop thir precious offspring run shouting around a busy café?

I think as above PP says they are lucky and unusual .Many GDP are still working or unable to help as they may have health problems of their own .or simply dont want to! You are back now ,focus on that and realise that working FT and looking after DC is very hard

Not necessarily unreasonable, but absolutely pointless. What do you gain by feeling like that? Nothing except a horrible feeling of frustration. Focus on your own life and don't look over the fence. Your colleagues will have other challenges, as everyone does.

You are pissed off that you have to care for and look after the children that you chose to have? How many children do you have?

Everything is a choice, to an extent. You could have worked and paid for childcare as so many do, but you and your partner/husband made the decision for him to work and you to stay at home due to the number of children you had and the prohibitive cost of childcare. It is what was best for your family at the time. But it came at a price.

You are seeing what you think happened to other mothers (who are usually the ones who make the difficult choices re. work and kids). The reality is likely very different for them.

I remember thinking it wasn't fair that I didn't have a choice but to work full time, even more so when my husband became ill and hasn't worked since. We had no family help with childcare (when everyone else seemed to have that) due to physical distance between us and family members. I have supported my family single handedly financially and been the main parent due to DH's illness for years. As a result I have a successful, well paid career, but it would have been nice to have the option to pull back a bit when DS was young, or have had some family help around us with both DS and DH.

You cannot expect to have what your collegues who continued to work have in terms of career progression after years out, but it doesn't mean you can't work toward it. Taking annual leave in school holidays doesn't stop that, everyone has annual leave to take.
Be grateful for what you were able to do when your children were young and how that benefitted your family.
I don't dwell on my choices, like you I had little option but to do what I did. Neither should you.

I agree.
I would fit into the former category having not had time with my kids.
I guarantee you that these parents have had to be struggle with
(1) An inability to do playdates by virtue of the fact they worked. Mum cliques, the drop off chit chat which smooths relationships in primary? Forget it
(2) Missing sports days, nativities etc. because they have to be at work. OR if they do make it, being late and standing near the back so they get a phone signal because they have to work.

Having parents who can afford a second home is entirely different to being further up the career ladder on the basis they didn't take a break. Separate out the two points. I have friends who were SAHP because childcare was expensive but their folks have second homes.

What we could do with is less of the knocking down for being working parents and struggling through bloody COVID. PTSD. Damn straight.

Life isn't fair.

Maybe next week you win the lottery and that won't be fair either.

Or those colleagues get cancer or their partners get run over by a bus and that won't be fair.

Be grateful for what you have.

We never had the type of support your colleagues have so I also took years off when my children were little. I had the best time and I remember those years fondly. I’m not in a senior role now like I use to be before children but it gives me more flexibility, which I now need much more than when they were little - they’re still at college.

When I’m old I don’t think I’ll remember work stuff, but I’ll definitely remember the great adventures we went on when they were small and watching their sports and attending school events and things. The older I get the less important work seems.

It's bizarre how having involved grandparents (who dc no doubt love spending time with) is spun into a negative and used as a criticism of parents.

Not sure who you are pissed off with. Your colleagues are lucky to have support, you were lucky to have had time with your children when they were young. We had no support and continued to work, using annual leave or holiday clubs to cover school holidays. Our grandparents weren't able to help us out (they needed support from us) and I would never have expected them too.

Everyone's situation is different and people make different choices.

It’s a way for people who feel unsupported to cope with their feelings.

“Im a better parent, I’m present for my children blah blah”.

It’s not a healthy way to deal with those feelings, or true.

We had a talk at work from senior women about how they got he where they are.. and they actually said in the meeting they had full time nanny’s and grandparents help. That did pisss me off as we don’t have those options as we can’t afford full time Nannie’s and have no grandparents help, it pissed me off as the advice wasn’t useful for me particuarly. But there is no reason you can’t get to director level, it will just take more time, I am senior director level myself but I had my kids five years apart and never left the workforce, we went into debt for nursery fees but now I earn a lot more than if I had left so it’s evened out. Everything is a choice. You made a decision to have two kids close together and not keep a hand in work. Just own your choice, it was valid, for you and your family, no point in being pissed off about it. Focus on the positives and building your career from today, you can’t go backwards in time or magic up grandparents.

MN is the home of martyrs. Unless those children are strapped to you and you only, you're a terrible parent. Makes no sense to me.
From experience (where possible), children and parents do well from having a lot of people love and care for them.

Nail on head.

Saying ‘nobody looks back and wishes they’d spent more time at work’ is a pretty meaningless phrase because it implies that ‘work’ is just a negative, homogenous thing. I’m coming towards the end of my career and I look back and am really glad of the opportunities work has brought me, the people I’ve met through it, the building of skills and experiences. Plus of course the fact I’ve built a good workplace pension which I will really appreciate.

Oh, hang on, so this is actually a pop at your in-laws for not looking after your kids? Gotcha.

Jealousy is such an ugly trait.

We also have no help with childcare but we get on with it. I never compare myself to others.

YANBU to be annoyed that your life is harder than theirs. It sucks!

YABU if you’re pissed off at those people specifically: they’re just living their lives. It can’t be a shock that lots of grandparents are a big help with childcare?

I could be annoyed about loads of things. My friend does the same job as me, but since her DP is a high earner she lives in a massive house and goes on a holiday every 2 months. We live in a small house and go on holiday twice a year.

It’s ok: there are also lots of people I am much, much more fortunate than.

YABU. I think you’re in a negative mindset. We all have to make decisions about childcare and work. It’s really off-putting when people make their own choices but spend a lot of time complaining about what other people do and get - always seeing what others have as better.

The reality is lots of people have to use paid childcare and don’t have grandparents to rely on. It really isn’t unusual. We’ve made it work for us. You’ve got to take responsibility for what you decided and make the best of it.

Also - you KNOW most people don’t have access to holiday homes abroad. That’s obvious. Why focus on feeling jealous of people whose experience is far from the norm? Absolutely pointless and self-indulgent too.

Of course you’re not being unreasonable. It’s that much harder without help. But you know…there’s another side of the coin.

At least you won’t be lumbered with elder care once your kids are independent which is, whatever age they are, pretty soon as time flies when raising kids! Also, don’t forget the financial implications of not having help whilst raising kids. When they are independent or even left home, you’ll need a few years you’ve missed out on work-wise to get your finances in order. This of course means you won’t be available to run around making appointments, taking someone out for a birthday meal, visiting the lonely, driving someone to the hospital, catering for more people at Christmas, cleaning someone’s house or dropping everything because someone has had a fall. Because, you know, you’ll have your own life to live! You’ll have kids that will always need you (particularly now you’ve experienced life where parents aren’t bothered about their kids), you’ll have a husband to enjoy a relationship with, travelling to do, work to manage and hobbies to enjoy.

These lucky people whose parents are normal and give a toss, will (or at least should!) want to take care of their parents / ensure they are comfortable when their parents become frail. Those whose parents have been enjoying their own life to the exclusion of their own offspring can carry on doing just that when they get old.

Trust me, I’ve seen life and I’ve seen these scenarios play out again and again.

YANBU to feel a bit sorry for yourself. If your parents made it sound like they would be involved and then changed their minds, you’ve been in a harder situation than you anticipated for years now.

BUT that’s not your co-workers fault, so being pissed off with them for having an easier life than you is BU imo. Aren’t you pissed off with every single person who has an easier life than you or better stuff or more money or is better looking etc?

FWIW I have had to reduce my hours significantly to look after my DC, and around the time I was pregnant with my second, my DH’s health deteriorated. We have no family support at all, so I have my DH to look after these days as well as my DC with no help.

I think you are seeing what you want to see. I don’t believe every colleague is only using grandparents for childcare.
If they have used paid childcare before school they’ll naturally use it to cover some holidays.
I personally found mums who have been sahm are a bit funny about holiday childcare. Oh it’s good yours doesn’t mind going, I don’t think she’d like it or they’d say there isn’t childcare when there were options.
Wasn’t worth working - lots of women fall into trap of just deducting childcare cost from salary but like you forget about progression and pension etc. Flexibility is another one, those with flexibility at school age often had kept working so had built up time in roles/were more senior. Whereas sahm were often faced with taking whatever was available to get foot back in door once they re entered workforce.