To feel jealous of work colleagues

[Sliverofdarkness]

I've taken a career break and have gone back to work after several years out with the kids. I didn't have much choice in the matter as the kids were close in age so childcare was so expensive that there was no advantage to working, only a logistical nightmare. And we had no family support on either side.

I now find some of my peers far ahead of me (mostly male but some female ), in director roles. I know they have similar age kids. But whenever any mention is made of school holidays, teacher training days, teacher strikes etc, and I end up taking time off, often unpaid, it emerges that they simply send their kids off to be minded by grandparents, often for weeks at a time in summer. Or they get away for a weekend with their partner, while their parents mind their kids.

I can't help feeling really annoyed. Neither of our parents would ever do that for us, and at this stage we wouldn't even ask. But these people I work with seem to act like it's totally normal. They also all seem to have free holidays in their parents' holiday homes whenever they want, in France or Spain. Am I being unreasonable to be pissed off about it?

I wouldn't let this feeling consume you OP. Focus on yourself you have absolutely no idea what others are dealing with at home.

OP has had time at home. She also choose to have more than one DC. These are all choices. I actually would choose OP choice rather than chasing some top role.

That's the thing about life. We all want different things.

Yes that's why I said 'could be'
We all want different things from life. When we look back on life in 20 years I doubt we'll all have wanted to work more. Some of us would want to have spent more time with our kids when they were young.

And some of us will be totally comfortable with the balance we struck. No need to assume regret on either side.

I can understand why you might feel envious of people with free childcare from willing grandparents, and why you might be struggling with resentments and disappointments around your career progression. Totally get it.
But I echo the posters who say it’s best not to let it eat you up in the long run.

People have different situations.

You are better off than some - single parents with no support network, or parents dealing with work around children with disabilities or serious health conditions, for example (I have close friends in both situations, and it’s brutal).

I was incredibly lucky to have my mum living locally and more than happy to have my kids if they were sick, in school holidays, to do school runs and to babysit frequently. I acknowledge how helpful this was for me and DH and our careers - and for our wellbeing and stress levels. One of my children has complex SEND, so there just wouldn’t have been the type of childcare needed to allow me to work - so I am extra grateful for my mums support.

I still have some bubbling resentments I have to manage, though! The men in my sector have still largely progressed faster and further than me - no maternity leaves, never requesting any fiexible hours, seemingly always available for after hours socialising & networking despite having young children, and with wives who’s careers take a backseat to theirs.

Life ain’t fair! What can we do? Fight the battles we are able to, stay positive and try not to be consumed with jealousy or bitterness, I guess.

I think you need to stop comparing yourself to others and focus on enjoying your own life. You had the luxury of time with the children. And the luxury of getting back to work when you wanted to.

I love my weekends and holidays with my children, I wouldn't want to send them off to grandparents. They grow up fast and there will be time to do all the child free things again then

Whatever the wording of that comment, it's disingenuous to frame anything that suggests men and women share an equal weight of not being able to 'have it all.'

Whatever that poster said - and it was a crappy comment anyway - it is, beyond any doubt, women who suffer in the workplace because of the demands of raising children and family life, more than men.

It is NOT 'internalised misogyny' for the pp to reference that in her reply. It doesn't 'contribute to inequality' to simply tell the truth about it.

We are in the same boat. I didn't give up work, I did work part time until my youngest started school. Now work full time and life is a big juggle. We do not have hands on family support. I am very jealous of our neighbours who have two sets of grandparents around multiple times a week. They get to go on weekend breaks etc. we don't have that. I do know though that it's not that they are wrong or they are floating or anything. It's my own resentment at the way things have turned out. Families are complex and we don't see what goes on, it could be some of those that get loads of help have difficult parts of relationships and demands as well.

No I doubt many people will look back and wish they’d worked more in a general sense. But some may look back and wish they could have progressed their career more so they could earn more and provide their children with a better start financially and also have a better pension and more flexibility when older. So that does actually almost equate to working more. Someone may look back at 80 and wish they’d spent more time when their young children. But someone also may look back at 80 and wish they’d not had to work until 73 and struggle to put the heating on in old age and have their children home until 35 because they couldn’t afford to move out. That person may well wish they’d worked harder in their younger years. Like you say, everyone is different.

I don’t think you can compare. Every family has a different set up.

I have several colleagues where the women work and their husbands stay at home as the women earn more in their career. Several are single parents with childminders or family help. I had family help one day a week with my dc but after a few years my parents were ill and couldn’t do it any more. I have one friend whose mother was a child minder and she had loads of help and always looked glamorous as she had plenty of time to herself! I know one person with a nanny (doctor.)

I did find childcare very difficult for my dc as at one time they were in different schools with different times and I had two childminders who went on maternity leave at the same time. Tbh everything fell apart when I was a single parent.

I think it’s unusual to know so many people who have great careers around the children as I think it’s generally hard for most people and I can’t think of anyone who goes on holiday without their children.

Most people I know (myself included) are happy with the balance we found.

Working put a roof over my babies heads and food on their plates. I can't regret that.

Then I climbed the career ladder while working part time and now they are teens I can fund their passions, pay for tutors and holidays and university, and relax knowing I have a hefty pension fund ready. I also get a lot of personal fulfilment from my work, have made good friends through it and know it makes a difference to people's lives.

It feels like a luxury to have been able to strike that balance.

Completely agree with this, one of the first responses to the thread. We were in a similar position, children close together and childcare completely wiped out my salary for several years. We would have been just as well off (in the short term) if I’d given up work and earned nothing and stayed home with the children. No family nearby to help out. However, I remained in work, mainly to keep a foothold in the workplace and to maintain my pension contributions, and of course in the longer term it really paid off.

@Sliverofdarkness
obviously you can’t change that now, but it’s pointless to be envious of other people. No sure I’d want to send my kids away to grandparents for weeks on end anyway! But as your kids are now school age, you certainly shouldn’t need to keep taking time off for every school holiday. You must be entitled to at least 28 days annual leave per year, that’s the minimum, so that’s 56 days between you and your dh - ie: just over 11 working weeks. I understand that you’ll want to take some leave altogether as a family but that still allows for a lot of the school holidays to be covered by you as parents. And instead of taking unpaid leave, why not use a childminder where you can be flexible if there are teachers training days?

it sounds unusual if every single one of your colleagues has masses of family help but regardless, it isn’t really relevant to you. I certainly remember having some colleagues who used grandparents for free childcare and yeah, it sometimes felt a bit hard to stomach when literally my entire earnings were going on our childcare. But it would be pointless to feel envious, and besides, at least our children got to visit the grandparents as a special treat, it wasn’t just daily routine. Plus they got a great deal out of going to nursery, even if it did cost an arm and a leg!

focus on moving forward with your career; stop taking unpaid leave for things like teachers training days and use paid childcare. If you stick to your annual leave rather than taking unpaid days off here and there, you’re showing to yourself that you are taking your career seriously. You can’t change anything about the missed years now but you can certainly put yourself in the best position going forward.

As for no one wishes they worked more, when I look back on my whole life (I am retired now) I feel my career was probably the most fulfilling part.

Actually, a lot of women do look back on their life and wish they’d been able to develop a career and financial independence.

Omg perfectly normal
Perfectly healthy.
Weird comment.

Who cares about other people and the career progression.
Did you enjoy being with the children enjoying parenting while you did.

You really shouldn’t compare. Every family set up is different. My parents helped out with childcare when the DC were little, in-laws never have. Some of my friends had no help from family and some had loads.

Our DC are also close in age so I didn’t work for a few years after the youngest was born (went back to work when they started school) but that was my/our choice- my career isn’t where it would have been (I earn ok and enjoy my job) but we are happy that we made the right choices for our family.

I have recently distanced myself from a colleague who seems to have the same attitude as you.

Horrible comment that helps no one.

It’s ok to feel annoyed and a bit miffed
But they are only feelings and once acknowledged should be put safely away.
Console yourself with the knowledge that you probably get to see more of your children than they do, which means whilst the crappy bits are more frequent so are the magic moments of sheee joy that comes from having basically a tube turn into a functioning human.
Also, the women who didn’t stay at home and have made more use of childcare are probably doubting their choices too - you can never get it right

Well to them it is normal. Maybe stop talking to them about childcare.

My grandparents died decades before I was born and my dad died when I was a child. And as you know lots of healthy GPs don't want to do much childcare anyway. Such is life sadly.

Some people just have it easier than others. That's it. That's life. Why are you pissed off by someone else who can palm their kids off to the grandparents? It's just a negative way to live your life, comparing lives. You made choices that were right for you at that time, that's it, full stop. Treasure the times you spent with your children instead.

Let it go. Be happy.

I ve voted YABU because each one has their own circumstances. You have yours and you make the most with that. They have a different setting and they can do other things that you can't. I wouldn't think much about it. I get that comparison kills they joy but don't chew on that and carry on making the most you can.

It’s normal for children to spend time with extended family, and for relatives to want to see them. To conclude from this OP that the colleagues are shit parents is jealously.

If she’s unhappy with her life, better tk move forward positively or work through with parents than projecting onto others.

I always think, when I feel envy, what is it telling me about what I need to take control of and change within my own life.

When I felt envious of those who had climbed the career ladder faster I did some training in my own time

If I felt envious of people having child free time I would look to find a decent babysitter/friend I think

My Dd is pregnant. I had her when I was 24 and both sets of gp were working full time in their 50's. This was in the late 90's. So whilst they loved her they certainly couldn't help with childcare! Everyone around me was the same - nursery from 2 (needed to be out of nappies (!) and a childminder up until then. I did go back part time which helped as my housing costs were lower back then. But my daughter will have to work full time as that what's needed to pay the mortgage. As I'm retired I have offered 2 days a week child care and so has mil, one day in nursery. Am I happy? Ask me in a few months 😂