To feel jealous of work colleagues

[Sliverofdarkness]

I've taken a career break and have gone back to work after several years out with the kids. I didn't have much choice in the matter as the kids were close in age so childcare was so expensive that there was no advantage to working, only a logistical nightmare. And we had no family support on either side.

I now find some of my peers far ahead of me (mostly male but some female ), in director roles. I know they have similar age kids. But whenever any mention is made of school holidays, teacher training days, teacher strikes etc, and I end up taking time off, often unpaid, it emerges that they simply send their kids off to be minded by grandparents, often for weeks at a time in summer. Or they get away for a weekend with their partner, while their parents mind their kids.

I can't help feeling really annoyed. Neither of our parents would ever do that for us, and at this stage we wouldn't even ask. But these people I work with seem to act like it's totally normal. They also all seem to have free holidays in their parents' holiday homes whenever they want, in France or Spain. Am I being unreasonable to be pissed off about it?

Oh go away. Parents having time away to facilitate a career that keeps a roof over their head or to ensure their relationship is not just being parents are not shit. We have no idea how frequently any of that occurs for one particular parent on this scenario.

OP, I get that it feels unbalanced but its unfair, it just is. You may well have some other advantage that they don't. Maybe your husband is nicer to you, maybe their kids have issues. Its natural to see something and think 'that would be nice' but not to the extent that it makes you angry. Grandparents do not have to step.up in this way.

I’m not suggesting living overseas equals a need for toxicity or controlling behaviour and I meant closeness in terms of distance, not necessarilly emotional closeness. OP hasn’t mentioned whether she feels emotionally close to her family, she is talking about practical support.

As you say, you understand that practically your parents can’t support you whilst living overseas and it sends a message to them that practical support isn’t something you value/ require within your relationship with them. It would be unreasonable, having made it clear that it isn’t important to you, for you to move near to them in the future and then be upset if they don’t suddenly start offering lots of practical support. You can’t pick and choose how much you want family to be involved purely based on how much it suits you at the time.

We had zero help from parents, but we played the long game. For about ten years I actually paid to work when we had 2 kids in childcare/wraparound. My career took off and those years were worth it. You chose to have your kids and honestly it’s foolish to take so much time out of the workplace and not expect it to have repercussions.

It doesn't send a message that I do not value or require practical support. It is simply a fact that practical support like popping over to take the kids for an hour is not possible.

My parents are mature adults who realise that I made decisions to give myself and my children a better life than I would have if I stayed in my home town. They support me as they can from a distance. Should our circumstances change and we move back to my home town, I have no doubt they would jump right in and offer whatever support they could then too.

Why would you be pissed off about it?
There are lots of people who have to manage without help from grandparents. My mum died before I had a child and my dad isn’t interested. DH’s parents do a tiny bit but nothing regular. That’s just life - no need to be pissed off about it.

You chose to take a career break, it’s a valid choice but not without consequences. It sounds like you’re also the default parent when it comes to holidays etc. Again, that’s a choice but a choice that can impact your career progression.

I would feel the same. BUT don’t let it eat you up. Focus on the positives in your life and try not to be jealous as it’s such a horrible feeling.

Hard disagree. The only shit parents in this situation are OP’s and her ILs.

I think you're being unfair. You both made your choices and there are ups and downs to each. Surely you knew that the pay off to taking time out to be home with your dc was that you'd be further behind in your career to those who didn't? It can't be a surprise?

They might feel jealous of the time you had at home. But you all made your choices.

Some of them are probably envious that you got to spend so much time with your kids. Or may be in the future when they realise.

Here we go again - no, working parents don't "not love their kids". Sigh.

Or they may be totally comfortable with their choices.

Op comparison really is the thief of joy- I’m in retail, mw and I work every weekend bar one weekend day a month so we can juggle childcare during the week (childcare service can’t take them three days so they’re my or my dh’s) day off. I used to be bitter until I started talking to all the local nurses and doctors who regularly do 12 hour shifts over the weekend and who have kids. You need to stop thinking about it and just think well everyone is different or it’ll drive you mad!!!

I get it. They can only juggle the parent and director roles and make it look easy because they have access to substantial family help and they don’t acknowledge that then it could set unrealistic expectations for how parents in senior roles can cope.

So your problem isn’t your work colleagues, but your own family not being supportive?

I'm not sure if you're jealous of your colleagues support systems , career progression or both.
Your colleagues may have grandparent support but that doesn't mean they aren't still negotiating the logistics of working when you have children.
Sending their dc to grandparents takes as much organising as your unpaid day off, when the unexpected happens.
When you take a career break, other people don't stand still around you. Of course there will have been promotions during that time for those who remained in the workplace.
It doesn't do anyone any good to compare themselves to others.

Compare yourself to those worse off- single parents who had to work all through their Children’s lives for example. You have been luckier than many.

Having supportive parents is a huge differentiator in what I'll call "life comfort".
Whether that's practical, financial or emotional support.

And yes, it's galling to see everyone else get the support except you, and that others "do better" by no virtue of anything they have done themselves.

The only thing you can do is try not to be bitter and vow to do better by your own children.

But plenty of us manage to juggle senior director roles and being a parent without family help.
It is possible if both parents pull their weight. Quite often senior roles come with lots of flexibility - it’s certainly the case for us.

Generalisation, much?
Ageism, much?

Yes, but not JUST the women.

It does seem that really you are pissed off with yourself for giving up work and now being behind your peers. You will always know people who you think are 'better off' than you and cannot spend your life comparing yourself with them. Why not focus your energy on you and your career if that is what you want to improve.

We had ZERO help with the DC on either side and yes it affected my career choices too. I hear you, I have lots of friends with family helping out, and many villas in France and Greece where the GPs take them for weeks on end on the summer.

WRT the younger generation not getting help from their parents as they are sty working, I see that too, and guess which mug gets asked to help?

I have a work colleague in her early 30's who has 2 DC and she is always asking me and another for help. She recently said she needs her work colleagues to support her and cover for her when her DC are sick and she needs to stay home as her mum can't help. That means me working a lot more than I want to. She thinks me and the other are her defacto mums.

Its took you a long time to learn life isn't fair or equal. Do you think kids who grow up in care or in poverty or have disabilities have the same opportunities as a healthy child from a 2 parent home in affluent area. This is unfortunately just how life is there will be people in a better position then you and there will be lots of people in a worse position for you. You need to be grateful for what you have and not compare yourself to others as life isn't an equal playing field

Yes its unfair but you’re angry at the wrong people. You should direct this anger at successive governments for their failure to put proper financial support in place for childcare. You can’t blame people taking advantage of the family networks that are open to them.

FWIW I was a single parent with no family support whatsoever. No maintenance from my DD’s father, my parents are both dead and my DD’s only surviving grandparent lives in a different country.

You’ll drive yourself mad worrying about advantages others have which you can’t control.

When you give up work for childcare reasons, it's not just about saving the immediate childcare costs. It's far more about the loss of future income, as you are seeing now. I gave up work (self-funded) for one year (single mother but felt my child needed me more, complicated story) and it took me seven years to get back to the salary level I was at before I left that job. The longer you take off, the longer it takes to recoup the damage, the less able you will be in future to accumulate the financial buffer that pays for emergency childcare, holidays, etc. That's just a fact that you accept when you make the choice.

If you really must compare yourself at all (and it's much better to keep your eyes on your own lane), compare yourself to people less fortunate - single parents with no family around for whom it is relentless slog. You had the time with your kids that you wanted which is great. But don't resent people who made different choices and are reaping the benefit now.