Another inheritance one!

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My DM died earlier this year, my sole surviving parent at the age of 99.

Me and my brother are likely to receive an inheritance sometime soon of @ £170k. My three adult children (who all have average paying jobs and all rent) have already approached me saying they’re expecting £40k each from me. The way they approached it has shocked and saddened me - of course I was going to give them something but I was thinking more of £10k each to put into an ISA or as a house deposit with their respective partners.

I still have £34k on my mortgage and a few other debts to clear and I pointed this out to them but they said this is down to me and I should have managed my money better, in fact they’ve picked apart all my financial decisions throughout their lives, when all I’ve tried to do is provide for them as a single mother. I helped them with cars and took them on holidays right up until a few years ago, even paying for their partners. I’ve given them money when I’ve had bonuses etc but I’m not a particularly high earner.

Now two of them have refused to speak to me, I’m finding this so upsetting. Am I right to want to clear my own debts and gift them the token £10k? How do I resolve this?

YABU = give them what they are asking for
YANBU = clear your own debts first

I'm sorry for your loss and that on top of that, you're dealing with this nonsense.

The money has been left in the will for you, so you decide what you'd like to do with it and frankly paying off your own mortgage and debt is the sensible thing to do at your age (making assumptions here based on the age of your DM at death)

Your children have plenty of time to make good on their own financial decisions, which I'm sure will be excellent given how they've poured over and picked apart yours.

Their behaviour is reprehensible and it would take a lot for me to get over this. I don't know if I'd even still want to extend the very generous £10k gift anymore.
Entitled bunch of gits.

Your DC are being unreasonable. I once came into a significant sum at an employment tribunal.
All my family expected money gifts.
I was milked dry for years. Now I am old and disabled I don't see their arses for dust.

My DC will get money when I die. They've had an education, cars, driving lessons etc.

Renting in your twenties is quite normal. £10k would have been generous. They could match that and get a mortgage. Even in London there are 5% deposit sceams for first time buyers. Rates are also lower for FTB.

OP, of course it is your money and they are being nasty.
However, if do think you have made some questionable choices in the past. I would not be helping with cars or paying for holidays for people who are still renting. Any money given would have gone towards house deposits only.
I am biased because you are using an expression of my mother’s - ‘taken them on holidays’. My mother used to want to take people on holiday all the time. She just really someone to go on holiday with because nobody would if they had to pay for it themselves. She was very bossy. My sister and I always declined. I am not saying you are bossy op. I am just saying that taking people on holiday not so generous as paying for someone’s holiday of their choosing without you.

Is this for real? How shocking. That’s disgusting of them. I wouldn’t give them a penny now.

They sound awful. I’d give them £500 each for Christmas and sit on the rest. Sort yourself out first.

Tell them, when they’ve saved 25k for a house deposit, you’ll then match it with 25k. If they’re not fussed on that tell them to fuck off and they’ll have to wait until you die. But if you live until 99 like your mother, they’ll be waiting a long time.

Your children are unfortunately horrible people. It's very sad when the children we love turn it this way. Giving in to them will just make the situation and their behaviour worse. They need a clear message that what they're doing is not ok and you won't accept it.

They’re 32, 30 and 28

This is appalling. I was recently in the position of your children, with my parents inheriting a similar sized estate (although my parents are in a better financial position that you - no mortgage) and I received a gift of around £3k which I was very grateful for, I had no expectation of anything.

I’d be so ashamed of my children behaving like this, what’s gone wrong with them?

Nothing makes me dig my heels in faster than being told what I'm supposed to do by people who have no right to say it

Stand your ground OP, you are the one inheriting. You have done your parental duties, the fact they aren't financially secure as adults is their doing and not yours.

I’m appalled by this OP. What is your relationship like with them normally?
I think your plan was absolutely fine and you should not be forced into giving them more. I can imagine you’ve had your own financial struggles over the years. As you approach retirement this money will give you a much needed cushion.

Ugh! This has me absolutely raging for you. Who do they think they are? Entitled much! I think you should focus on yourself for now. Pay off your own debts and put £50k aside for future expenses. Book yourself an expensive holiday somewhere you've always wanted to go and then take the time to plan the rest of your life. Maybe you need a new car or something. That money will soon be spent. As for the kids. You tell them they will get £10k each and that's it. If they aren't happy then you have to let them get on with their lives. They can't emotionally blackmail you. It's time for you to put yourself first and enjoy life. This is what happens when you spoil your kids and now I am thinking about how I treat my own.

I thought they were grabby, insensitive teenagers !
I wouldn't give them a penny - now, & possibly ever.

Why should she give each of them 15k more than she planned?????

Unfortunately it is probably true. Inheritance seems to bring out the worst in people and with her being a single mother who has been generous to them in the past they are treating her like they think she's a sitting duck.

Surely if it should have been hers, your DH would have given 100% to his dm?

This is awful. I’d give them nothing

My parents inherited nearly half a million, what did we get? Lunch. And we ate it and said thankyou.

Some people are so bloody entitled its baffling

My mum inherited this year not as much but still a good amount and I don't expect a penny. She has zero mortgage left too. If it all ends up going on care so be it, if she skips her kids and gives it to grandchildren so be it, if she fritters the lot or gives it to the local cats home so be it.

She has already said she does want something to pass onto her kids but I'm realistic enough to know if she needs a decent standard of care in older age these days it will probably go on that.

It's her money, she's had some bloody hard times and although she already had savings it's good security for her. The only wish I'd have is for her to spend some on a lovely holiday, she's had awful stuff going on with her health and deserves a break. But she's so bloody practically minded and a zero fuss woman so she probably won't! 😆

I'm sorry your kids are being awful OP, they've shot themselves in the foot, I wouldn't give them anything now. Get your own will iron clad too if you decide not to give them anything or very much when you go.

Id give them nothing at all now they’ve done that. How entitled of them.

Of course your children are BU. But I’m surprised all 3 are agreeing on this. You do sometimes get one in a family like this, but all 3 of your kids willing to fall out with you over this?

You ask if your BU to clear your debts. Of course you’re not! But then you say your debts are only £34k mortgage plus a few other bits. That’s a long way off the £140k you plan to keep from the inheritance. On the surface of it, it does seem like you could afford to give your kids a bit more while still having plenty to pay off debt and treat yourself with.

Im absolutely NOT saying you should do this, now your kids have been so grabby you’d be justified not to give them anything. But I’m trying to understand whether you really do just have 3 total brats.

You’ve raised some absolute monsters here OP. Time for some tough love.

Don’t give them a penny. If your mum had wanted to give them some money she would have provided for it in her will. Besides which you might need it for your care in old age, because sure as hell those awful kids aren’t going to look after you. A year in a mediocre care home would get through that- just remember that.

I would tell them you’re shocked by how rude, entitled and insensitive they are and that you don’t expect to hear from them for the next couple of weeks as you work through your disappointment.

That is absolutely shocking op. I too will soon receive an inheritance from someone I loved very much ...the only inheritance I have ever received and I will never receive another one. My DC knows this is coming and has never by word or look everywhere intimated that they expect to receive anything and this is how it should be. I have already decided how much I will give to them when this inheritance comes through ... and it is not nearly as much as your 'd' c are expecting. I would be saddened and to be honest astonished if they took the attitude of your kids. I would make it very clear that you are very hurt by this selfish attitude.
Please don't just clear your debts op. Please make a plan to get some pleasure for yourself from this inheritance. I'm sure that is what your mother would of wished. If she has wanted your children to receive equally with you she would have arranged her will accordingly. 💐

Don’t give them anything. They are being utterly despicable to you. Write each of them a letter saying what you’ve said here.

Reading this made me so sad and angry on your behalf @Highlightagogo. How utterly disappointing and heartbreaking to have raised so entitled and cheeky children. I think you should treat them as you would when younger and making outrageous demands.
"No, this is not happening. I have debt to clear up and I will give you 10 k each. Then you will just have to patiently wait for my death to inherit. But maybe I should put the gc in the will as beneficaries directly since I imagine this is what you would want to do with your inheritance after me as well?"

I would step back and let them reflect about their behaviour.

Exactly this!