Another inheritance one!

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My DM died earlier this year, my sole surviving parent at the age of 99.

Me and my brother are likely to receive an inheritance sometime soon of @ £170k. My three adult children (who all have average paying jobs and all rent) have already approached me saying they’re expecting £40k each from me. The way they approached it has shocked and saddened me - of course I was going to give them something but I was thinking more of £10k each to put into an ISA or as a house deposit with their respective partners.

I still have £34k on my mortgage and a few other debts to clear and I pointed this out to them but they said this is down to me and I should have managed my money better, in fact they’ve picked apart all my financial decisions throughout their lives, when all I’ve tried to do is provide for them as a single mother. I helped them with cars and took them on holidays right up until a few years ago, even paying for their partners. I’ve given them money when I’ve had bonuses etc but I’m not a particularly high earner.

Now two of them have refused to speak to me, I’m finding this so upsetting. Am I right to want to clear my own debts and gift them the token £10k? How do I resolve this?

YABU = give them what they are asking for
YANBU = clear your own debts first

Be sure that one of your children in particular is not influencing the others. I find it odd that all three would think in that way.

You absolutely pay off your debts first.
And never discuss money with your children again.

I would expect a sincere apology before any ( small) amount of money was given. If not forthcoming, nor is any money.

Stay calm.

We persuaded DM to do this - partly because we didn't need and also so it didn't go into our estate and add to IHT (the seven years are almost up now). It also meant that DB - a bit of a waster - didn't get vast amounts of money but his adult children with young families did.
I would have a different attitude if our adult children had asked for money.

I would save the £10k you were planning to give them in a high interest bond/account so you could give it to them in future but wouldn't give it now when they have behaved so abominable. I would tell them you love them deeply and are grieving your mother and finding it very sad that instead of missing their grandmother and supporting their mother they are focused on money. You'd like them to reflect on what matters in life, as you yourself are having lost your mother. Then leave them to it for a while.

There is a lesson here, tell them nothing.
How did they find out the amount? Did you tell them?
I would keep my finances to myself, it is absolutely none of their business, vultures.
People's true colours come out where money is involved.

“Less debt gives them every opportunity to save for house deposits.”

You’ve got this absolutely wrong. Unless they have zero student loan debt then they’ll be repaying the same amount (9% of everything over £25k) every month whether their loan amount is £10k or £60k. It’s just about how long it will take to repay.

My parents received over £400k in inheritance and have never given my sister and I a single penny but I wouldn't ask for any either.

Your dc are being very greedy and exceptionally rude. I would be tickled pink to be given £10k.

If you don’t give the the 40K and they stop speaking to you then you know they only see you as a cash cow . I would be so hurt . I really feel for you , your kids seem monstrous, They will inherit from you when it’s their turn

I dont think I've ever seen a unanimous AIBU! And agree with all the PP. So they wanted 40k each? All of the inheritance? Leaving you with 10k for yourself?
What nasty entitled little pricks.
My DC would be so happy for me to pay off my mortgage and debts and not expect anything.
I'd certainly be rethinking giving them anything now or leaving them anything in my will.
Im sorry OP how horrible for you.

Your Mum could have chosen to leave money to her DGC but chose instead to leave it to you. She had probably clocked how entitled and grasping your DC had become. In your situation I'd probably have been going to give the DC £20k each but now after their dreadful behaviour at the time you are grieving your Mum if be so disappointed in them, especially the 2 that say they will no longer speak to you, I'd give them nothing ATM. You can always change your mind later. I'd give the one that would still be speaking to you the £10k. Clear your mortgage and any credit card debt, have a nice holiday and invest some in an ISA. What will your pension be like? You could invest some into a SIPP for pension and whatever you put in up to the full amount you earn the government adds 20 percent. Your DC do not deserve money and your Mum would be bloody furious with them for treating you in this callus way. Do not be blackmailed by them to hand over more than you want to give them. They can inherit when you die. Make them wait.

Nope, I’d give the entitled arseholes what they did. Sweet FA

I can’t believe this is true. Surely not!

Does it make you wonder where you went wrong with your parenting? No adult children can be so selfish and entitled. Wow They’re not ashamed?

Good grief, they are so entitled. 100% agreement that you are not being unreasonable is almost unheard of. Show them this thread.
I would have told them - yes I have made financial errors, I have given you too much money and now you feel entitled to everything that is mine. I have paid for your cars and holidays and paid for your partners holidays . I should have looked after myself and paid off my mortgage. You're adults responsible for yourselves, it's not up to your mum to pay for so much.
OP you've been too generous. I would be putting this money by for my retirement, I don't think your children will be looking out for you.
I am so sorry for your loss, and the pain you now feel over your children's attitude.

My parents inherited large(r) sums from similarly long-lived grandparents. My siblings and I had huge overheads and debts but never dreamed of asking our parents for money and certainly didn’t think we were entitled to any. As things worked out my parents have now died prematurely and we have inherited decades before we expected to. So glad we didn’t mar the relationship by being grabby.

im genuinely appalled by your DC.

You've always helped them so now they are being entitled fuckers.

Give them both barrels about their entitlement and how disappointed you are in them and their behaviour.

Hang on to it all, you may need it for your care costs. Invest it with someone like Vanguard or Killik it will grow.

I would not give them anything due to their attitudes.
Tell them they will inherit from you, not their Grandmother.

Warming to my theme, if you live in England (this is not allowed in some jurisdictions) I’d be minded to rewrite your will to exclude the dc not speaking to you and/or leave 90% of your estate to charity. A large charity with a big legal team who will put up a fight if the dc try and challenge the will.

Do they have cousins who are getting money from your brother?

I mean, either way they are completely out of line. I was just wondering if that’s where they’d got their expectation.

I wouldn’t give them anything now!

Or the local cats home could.

I’d be inclined not to give them anything initially, maybe in the future if their entitled attitude changes. I inherited a large sum, in my view anyway, from my Mum which I had not factored into my financial planning. I considered a deed of variation to give it all to my three children but decided instead to wait a while until I retired and could evaluate what my own needs were.

I gave the £5k each immediately which they were very grateful for, none of them had any expectations - or at least not as far as I was aware! I now give them £2k every Christmas and birthday but have warned them not to expect that amount every year.

There are no tax or legal implications to gifting the money, unless OP herself dies within the next 7 years (not advocating that OP does gift the money btw).

The bloody cheek. They are being very unreasonable. What about standing on their own 2 feet. I came to this country 25 years ago with £120 to my name. With hard work (any work!) I now own my house and provide for my children (young adults). I even asked me parents not to include me in their will. I did it on my own with hard work and love and support from them (no monetary help).They should be ashamed!

Yep, absolutely this! How fucking dare they?! So incredibly rude - and to have the audacity to say you haven’t managed your own money well when they’re trying to leech £40k each off of you?!! Leave all your money to the dogs home or something. What a joke!

They sound very entitled. I’d be thinking about not giving them anything at this rate.

This. I find their behaviour shocking.

Personally I'd be inclined to give them nothing since they obviously won't be happy with £10k. Unbelievable.