AIBU to think telling a late friend the wrong start time is fair?

[bigred26]

Saw a poll this week that says nearly half of us have a friend who's never on time, and about a third of people deal with it by telling that friend plans start earlier than they really do. Apparently the point where lateness tips into rude is 29 minutes.

One side says it's a harmless fix: they turn up roughly on time, nobody's left waiting, and you avoid an awkward row. The other says it's still a lie, treats a grown adult like a child, and dodges the honest conversation.

Would you do it, or just tell them straight?

Personally i think if someone is habitually late then they are selfish and rude.
Telling them the wrong start time is akin to acknowledging the lateness is almost deliberate.
I think i would be inclined just to stop making arrangements to see them or invite them to things if they have no good reason for not turning up on time.

I think I’d have to have the conversation. If only to have it clear why the friend was always late & if she / he recognised that it was a problem.

I'd tell them the proper start time, give them 10 minutes grace, then carry on without them.

It would only work once

I have a constantly late youngish relative and would feel fine telling her the wrong start time if it would work, but she can be late by literally hours.

Good idea unless it's someone you very much want and need to see. A casual friend, definitely.

I think it’s fair enough.

29 minutes?! If it's habitual, 1 minute is rude. Even if it's a one off, it's rude way before 29 minutes unless there is a legitimate reason.

I think it’s fine. And people who claim they “can’t help being late” will surely also be okay with it as you’re just supporting them not to be late.

I think it’s fair enough too. Funnily enough - this happened by accident with some of my friends a few weeks ago. I’d asked to push the time of the restaurant back by half an hour and the organiser had completely forgotten to tell our compulsively late friend that he’d done so. As a result, Mr Late was bang on time! We all found it quite funny….

i tend to do the reverse with another persistently late friend - if we agree 1.30, I’ll just adjust and aim for 1.50/2. This also works and saves a lot of irritation!

one of my besties from school is habitually late (we’re now 50). It was wildly infuriating, particularly when I realised she was rarely late for work. Relatively recently she was diagnosed with ADHD, and it now makes more sense. Like she was holding it all together to get to work, and couldn’t manage social too. The reality is I rarely meet her alone, so if we’re going for dinner, we meet and start ordering after ~15 mins, and she might miss a course etc. If I’m meeting 1:1, I make sure it’s somewhere where I can carry on, eg. Inside a gallery and not standing at a train station.

Yep, I've done this! I can't see any harm in it.

I just don't bother with people who are habitually late. If you have an issue yourself with lateness adjust the start time yourself so that you're not keeping others waiting.

I've ditched a couple of friends for it.

It seems like the real issue is that you want this person to participate in the planned activity considerably more than they want to participate in it. If they wanted to participate, then they'd start showing up on time once they realised you'd go ahead and get started without them, or that you'd leave if they didn't show up, or that you'd stop including them if they are habitually late. (And yes, I know that some people genuinely have no sense of the passage of time, but timekeeping instruments exist and most people can form habits IF the incentives/disincentives are compelling to them.)

If we invite in-laws to our house they are usually around a hour late so I typically say 12 if we really want them around 1.

I wouldn’t do it, but I understand why people would
I’d rather just tell the person that I’m pissed off and they need to sort it out

I have only one friend who is chronically late. In her case (and I have known her for 37 years) it is due to her belief that nothing starts until she gets there and her time is more important than anyone else's time. That attitude carries into most aspects of her life tbh.

I now only catch up with her on the phone. Once when her mother was hosting Sunday lunch she grew tired of the lateness and we started without her. My friend turned up when we were about to get in the car to go home. 3 hours late plus.

I tried the trick of telling her the start time was earlier several times. It didn't work at all. So I simply won't make plans in person with her. Gradually alot of her friends have pulled away and she is now quite isolated and blames everyone else.

I like her, but not enough to be mucked around any more, so e-mail and phone catch ups work for me.

So, to answer the actual question the OP asked- I don't give late people much grace anymore. If it's a one-off no problem. If it's a pattern then I don't make plans with them.

I don't do it, but I also don't wait for people after the first time they're majorly late (more than 15 minutes) without a good explanation. Obviously things that are truly out of their control don't count as a strike against them. Mid-level lateness I have more tolerance for but I'd raise it if it were constant.

If I had someone who was routinely late that I had to go places with regularly, I'd just refuse to meet them beforehand.

I agree. I can get to places on time but it does take a huge effort as I constantly misjudge some parts of getting ready/leaving. The only way I am successful is to put in 30 mins apparently unnecessary contingency time.

I was that late friend. And my reason for being late was purely because I hated getting ready to go out. I would leave it to the very last minute that I could and then rushed like crazy but I was always always late.

My friends started telling me an earlier time. I very much appreciated it because my mindset was the same. I know the time. I leave getting ready to the very last minute. I was still later than the time set, as per usual, but it felt good to be still on ‘actual’ time for the night.

I suppose it really depends on ‘why’ they are always late.

I consider 5 minutes to be late but I wouldn’t infantilise my friends like that.

I think it depends on the relationship and the individual. Obviously you're going to cut someone a bit of slack if they are a single mum with three toddlers who is struggling with time. But if that same person is still routinely 45 minutes late when all the kids are in school - no excuse.

Also we've all had the friend whose explanation is "what am I like!!" and just expects you to accept their flakiness as a cute personality quirk.

Nope, I have no interest in coddling adults from the natural consequences of their own behaviour.

I can spend all day checking the clock to ensure I’m not going to be late for something and I will be. I appreciate how that looks like selfishness or lazy but I find it mortifying. I just can’t do it. Always running through the airport on final call type of thing. I have improved lately and I’m usually within 10 minutes.

I wouldn’t mind you doing this to me at all.

I did this years ago with a habitually late friend. She found out and was very put out. I'm not sure she had any insight into how annoying being an hour late to everything was.