AIBU to think telling a late friend the wrong start time is fair?

[bigred26]

Saw a poll this week that says nearly half of us have a friend who's never on time, and about a third of people deal with it by telling that friend plans start earlier than they really do. Apparently the point where lateness tips into rude is 29 minutes.

One side says it's a harmless fix: they turn up roughly on time, nobody's left waiting, and you avoid an awkward row. The other says it's still a lie, treats a grown adult like a child, and dodges the honest conversation.

Would you do it, or just tell them straight?

Having added would not stop people knowing they are being late or knowing it is rude to be late so if they cared they would put plans in not to be late, ot shouldn't be an excuse

If telling people an earlier works than do it, if people cared enough they wouldn't be late

I honestly struggle so much with time so from my perspective, I think I'd even appreciate being told slighter earlier than I should. If I'm running over a bit, it means I'm not late and if I am there "on time" I'd rather have that breathing room or feeling that I am early instead of late!

"I set alarms as an insurance policy. Alarms to remind me to get ready, alarms to remind me when I need to leave the house. I often don’t need them, but they are there in case I lose track of time.
Do you perhaps think people who manage to be on time do it without needing any strategies, and that if you can’t do it without strategies then you can’t do it full stop?"

I was going to ask this, I wouldn't remember to do everything on time, including leaving the right amount of time before something to drive there, park, and walk to location, if I didn't work out those timings in advance, and set an alarm/ reminder.
I don't think many people have a natural, consistent sense of how fast time is passing, or when it 'feels like' time to leave, I think its a skill we learn. I wonder if some specific training on how to organise this stuff would help some of the people who are always rushing and worrying they'll be late, and early diagnosis that people are 'time blind' or similar, is seen as the end point, when some could be taught techniques that'd make their lives much less stressful.

MIL is always EARLY for everything.

If the next-door neighbours invite her round for lunch at 1pm, she'll turn up at 12.50pm.

Once, she turned up almost two hours early for Boxing Day lunch. She lives 100 miles away so it is understandable to build in some contingency, but it was a nightmare - we had just got home mid morning from staying elsewhere for Christmas and had a load of house clearing and prep to do. She just had to sit on the sofa quietly for ages whilst we did all the prep around her.

For the next family gathering, I gave her an arrival time that was half an hour later than everyone else's.

I now say 'not before' a time when we invite her over. I know she drives to the nearest service station and waits there so as not to arrive early. This is fine. It allows her to manage her paranoia about being late without inconveniencing us.

I used to tell dh we were going on holiday a day earlier than we were otherwise he'd be at work until late the night before.

29 mins before it's rude?? I'd say 9 mins at most! Before then if it is a regular thing. (I have ADHD before anyone mentions ND - I manage to be places on time!)

I have an amazing friend who drops absolutely everything if I need help. She has turned out for one of ny family members whoever in need late at night abd I couldn't get to them. She makes me and dh fantastic cakes for our birthdays and is all round great., except she is late for nearly everything,including work. She has changed jobs so the time issue isn't vital.

The way I deal with it is if it is something important such as a start time at the theatre I will emphasise that we need to leave my house at a time and also text to check she's left. If im meeting her in a pub she us usually 10 to 15 mins late and im not bothered by that.
Ive known her for nearly 40 years, she's not going to change now!

It’s that something will always catch me out that I hadn’t accounted for. I’ll get in the car on time and then discover I’ve lost the keys. Or I’ve got no fuel. I’ve got better with the actual time aspect as I do set mental alarms - 9:10am I need to make sure I have my shoes on. 9:15am be getting in the car etc etc.

I have a habitual tendency to lateness which I deal with by lying to myself - if a thing is happening at 8pm it goes into my planner with a 7:45 start time. So long as your friend won't arrive to an empty building/being the only one there if she has a burst of functionality and manages to arrive "on time", I think it's fine to say "we'll be gathering from 7:30 and we'll get going at 7:45" if the truth is that you'll be getting going at 8:00 but I would feel it unacceptable for the lie to be much longer than 15 minutes.

Being chronically and repeatedly late (especially by up to 30 mins) is unbelievably rude so yes, I would tell to meet me 30 mins later than intended if it prevented me from being repeatedly inconvenienced and waiting alone for them over and over again like a complete muppet. I am busy too- we all have lives to get on with.

If they preferred I didnt do this then they are perfectly free to actually get to their meetings on time arent they? There is a very simple solution

I do get to the airport early - usually very early. As I’ve spent all night checking the time on my phone. It’s what happens once in the airport. I get caught out by tasks I hadn’t accounted for. Someone needs one last wee. I think I’m also a bit optimistic perhaps of what can happen in a time scale. I don’t think I maybe process time in the same way as some others. I also really struggle with recognising faces. Not sure if it could be connected!
My friends know it bothers me more than them when I’m late so they go easy on me. I am usually within 10 minutes now which is a massive improvement. I know I wouldn’t hold down most jobs through my concept of time.

I would lie but tbh these days I just kind of write people off if they are habitually late. It’s not personal, but I have noticed that some who are late manage to be on time for stuff they deem important. It’s ok by me if meeting with me isn’t important but I’ll just match the vibe and de-prioritise you. I will 100% not go out of my way to make plans with anyone who is always late. I don’t want to treat anyone like a child tbh and that includes lying about the time.

When people say they just can’t work out the time, I get that the first few times you are late but after that you must know. It’s like people are working from first principles every single time they leave the house. One day just write down how long everything takes and stay on track. Every time I have to be somewhere I do a quick mental calculation of what time I must leave by and how long it will take me and then make sure whatever else I’m doing I am out the door on time. It doesn’t come naturally, you actually have to expend some mental energy on it,

Ad a punctual person, I would love insight into the minds of the chronically late.

So I would check how long it takes to get somewhere and build in 5 mins contingency. If child-related, I'd allow extra time to get them out the door, have bags packed in advance. If I'm running more than a couple of mins late I'd get in touch with the person I'm meeting...

If you struggle with time, is it for everything? Do you miss flights/trains? Are you late for work, for Dr/hairdresser appointments, getting your car serviced, pickihg the kids up from school?

Or do you put everything in to being on time for these things that punctuality for social events takes the hit? Do you deliberately have a job/lifestyle where punctuality isn't so important?

I now recognise that for many chronically late people I know, ADHD is at play, and that obviously impacts on many areas of their lives.

This makes no sense to me though - if I touch the inside of the oven whilst its on and get burnt, I wouldn't keep on touching it repeatedly knowing it will burn me.

Therefore, if your "time optimism" causes you to constantly be late and piss other people off surely you adjust your behaviour because it is no longer working.

Human beings learn from experience so this makes zero sense why anyone would continually do something that wasnt working for anyone and was actively upsetting other people. To me, thats less about time optimism and more about simply not giving a shit about anyone but yourself

I will admit to being a late person here. It seems to plague me.at the weekend what is normally a half hour journey through London turned into one hour, with first the district line being down and then a road closed so the bus didn’t go that way, then an uber cancelling me and then the uber that my friend ordered went to the wrong place (her fault) so we had to get another bus from there. I thought leaving at 5.15 for a 6pm dinner three stops away on the district line would get me there early and I felt so smug! But situations like this seem to happen to me more than everyone else!
what does everyone else do? Show up 45 mins early just to avoid being late (I’ll do that for a train or flight , but it seeems over kill for every dinner!)

Apparently the point where lateness tips into rude is 29 minutes.

Fuck that. I give people 10 minutes grace, then I leave. They're generally not late for me twice.

I also think it’s a adhd type chaotic thing, you’re literally not thinking about tube journeys or traffic while
you’re still getting ready you’re trying to find clean socks and remember where your keys are and charging your phone and thinking I should eat if I’m out drinking it’ll only take 5 mins to scramble eggs etc etc
it’s hard to think about more than one bit at a time.

I woudnt have any friends left if I’d treated them like this! I think everyone I know has been more than ten mins late before

I’ve put some insights in my posts I just written, but I also find that I am so productive when it’s a panic and I have a weird ‘waiting phase’ when I know I have something at eg 3pm, I either achieve very little thinking about the 3pm thing or I convince myself I can declutter my whole flat or do a supermarket shop or go to Oxford street and back and get showered and ready before it, which I clearly can’t

what does everyone else do? Show up 45 mins early just to avoid being late (I’ll do that for a train or flight , but it seeems over kill for every dinner!)

No, we get there on time. After years of travelling into town I have learnt how long the journey takes and so account that amount of time for travelling.

Now, if one time a train is down and I cant get a taxi then thats fine - I will text my apologies to the person with info about how far away I am and do my utmost best to get there ASAP.

Being late once or twice isnt the issue. The issue is people who are always late, and if you are always late then surely that would indicate that you are not leaving enough time for travel.

Isnt that extremely obvious?

The District Line is notoriously shit so you were probably unwise to rely on it. Did you check if it was running before you left the house? London buses are also slow. If that was your timescale you could have just walked? This does sound like a lot of drama and while a lot of it just sounds unfortunate, it’s maybe a sign that you could plan more in advance?

I have been reading this thread wondering if those of you who are perpetually late manage to hold down jobs. My work has flexi time so you can vary your start time but only within reason and I assume people with this issue would become a problem, miss meetings etc. Or does the problem go away if someone is paying you?

Oh my god, my MIL does this and it drives me crackers. One time we were having a pub lunch and they turned up an hour early. Rather than wait for us, they called to say they were there so we had to race out earlier than planned.

There are strategies to cope with this though. Loads of info online about how to deal with this, the amount of help is literally at your fingertips.

Start getting ready earlier is the most obvious one so why not do that?

No. I 100% wouldn’t be able to hold down most jobs. I know that many people find that some of us genuinely really struggle with this suspicious at best but there are some of us that have a genuine blind spot for time.

Yep DC and I have been doing this to DH for many years, it’s the only way we can get him somewhere on time. Strongly suspect he has ADHD.