AIBU to think telling a late friend the wrong start time is fair?

[bigred26]

Saw a poll this week that says nearly half of us have a friend who's never on time, and about a third of people deal with it by telling that friend plans start earlier than they really do. Apparently the point where lateness tips into rude is 29 minutes.

One side says it's a harmless fix: they turn up roughly on time, nobody's left waiting, and you avoid an awkward row. The other says it's still a lie, treats a grown adult like a child, and dodges the honest conversation.

Would you do it, or just tell them straight?

These people generally can get to work on time and don’t habitually miss trains and planes so yes, it’s just rudeness in the most part. I had a friend like this who was always at least an hour late - not the worst if you’re going for a walk in the park or round a gallery but unbelievably thoughtless when waiting on her for dinner plans. I don’t see her any more after I realised that she considered her time to be infinitely more valuable than mine.

I had a friend who was habitually late and eventually spoke to her about it. I said that it seemed to me that she thought her time was more valuable than mine and that I was thinking of stopping meeting her unless it was at my home or hers. She has definitely upped her game since though she is often still late but only a few minutes now and she always texts to let me know.

I find habitual lateness so selfish.

I don’t care what the underlying reason is. Put strategies in place. Other people are waiting for you.

I wouldn't do it. To me it's every bit as ill-mannered as being late in the first place. I wouldn't tolerate being lied to by a friend and I wouldn't lie to my friends to try to influence their behaviour. It seems rather passive-aggressive. An adult conversation about what time we should say we'll meet to allow for some leeway is all that's needed.

Yes, I used to do this with an old friend who was habitually half an hour late. If we said meet up at 12.30pm I’d aim to get there at 1pm and it would be pretty much spot on. Once in a while she’d get there earlier, but since she was nearly always running late herself, she couldn’t complain. She’s actually getting better with age, so I’ve cut it to 15 mins now!

I am late to everything. And I mean EVERYTHING. I know it sucks, I know it's annoying, I hate it- but I really, genuinely cannot help it. I have inattentive ADHD and time blindness, plus severe anxiety that means I take a long time to do the simplest of tasks. My family sometimes use this technique on me.

Whilst my first reaction might be "Oh. I feel a bit hurt.", I think this is probably a great solution and even though it might hurt a bit I don't think I would mind too much. In fact, sometimes I really appreciate it! I really do hate making people late (and myself) and I think this is great way to ensure everyone is getting what they want and need. Of course, it does depend on the personality of the late person though.

Tbh I don't necessarily think this. I read a thing about some people being late because they're optimistic about how much they can achieve in a certain amount if time, and of my friends who are habitually late, I would say this rings true. It certainly takes the edge of me being annoyed they're late.

I do, however, sometimes tell them an earlier time.

Years ago friend's husband advised me out of earshot from her to always tell her a time 45 minutes before an event or when I wanted to meet her. Apparently her whole family does this because she is impossibly late all the time

I have never been comfortable telling her the wrong time deliberately. So I just started heavily joking about her lateness. This worked because eventually I annoyed her so much she started to make more effort when we were meeting up. She still seems to be dodgy with other people but not as bad as previously.

Embarrassing or annoying her into behaving better was a little mean but her being late all tbe time was very rude and wasted my time. Therefore I think overall it was worth it.

As a family we do this for my mum. And I mean for her not to her. After 40 years plus of her inability to be on time we know it's the only way.

As PPs have said, we just give her an earlier time than we need her to be ready. You would think it would only work once but genuinely it works every time! She now thinks we are all super gracious for excusing her lateness, its a win win 😀

As I dont live in her head (thank goodness) I have no idea what is going on for her, but the remedy works for everyone so we just crack on.

Habitual lateness rude and inconsiderate. Where a meet up time has been mutually agreed, lateness is one party saying their time and plans are more important than the other party's.

I would not lie about the meet up time - I'd be honest, and if the lateness continued I'd stop associating with them.

I don't have any friends like this, but when I'm going out with my sister I always tell her the time we need to leave at least 20 minutes before we actually do. (I think she has ADHD and the time blindness is real - she genuinely seems to think she can do an hour's getting ready in 30 minutes every single time)

Treat them like an adult.

But if you hate getting ready to go out, surely it’s even worse if you have to do it at the last minute? I hope you have grown out of this as it sounds quite emotionally immature.

Personally I do not make time-dependent plans with people who are perpetually late. I don’t mind someone being a few minutes late, but if you’re incapable of being on time I just won’t make those kinds of plans with you. I’m definitely not going to start taking responsibility for you by giving fake times.

I had a friend who wouldn’t even start getting ready until the taxi was outside and would then expect me to ask it to wait. If I visited her and needed a lift to the station I had to tell her a fake time as she thought it was fine to drop me off as the train was about to leave. I put up with this because I was young and lacked boundaries. Wouldn’t do it now.

If you have ADHD or similar I sympathise but I’m not making it my problem. I find it stressful to run late for things or miss reservations, if you can’t be on time then I simply won’t expect you to be and won’t make those sorts of plans with you.

Not asking this to attack you but out of genuine curiosity. If you know it doesn’t work to ‘spend all day checking the clock’, why don’t you try other strategies instead of telling yourself you “just can’t”?

I set alarms as an insurance policy. Alarms to remind me to get ready, alarms to remind me when I need to leave the house. I often don’t need them, but they are there in case I lose track of time.

Do you perhaps think people who manage to be on time do it without needing any strategies, and that if you can’t do it without strategies then you can’t do it full stop?

No ADHD. Just simply hate the faff of getting ready.

I have one friend like this. She will always be 10-15 minutes late, so I don’t rush to get there on time.
Another friend is like me, and we always arrive within 30 seconds of each other!

Nah, they are selfish as by at least the fifth time this happens, they have learnt their optimism is wrong and that they need to up their estimations. But they don’t.

I would not ordinarily do this, no. I hope I would be grown up enough to have the conversation that says, I’ve noticed you are always late, what is going on? Can I do anything to support you that will also mean I’m not constantly waiting and pissed off? And if they wanted to be told a fake earlier time, I’d do it, if that helped their ADHD for example.

I have actually been on the receiving end of this along with the rest of the guests at a wedding party. The bride told everyone the start time was an hour earlier than it actually was ‘in case’. This meant we waited, cold, drink less and loo less, for a long time. As we had been early, because, you know, it was a wedding and we are adults.
It is not remembered fondly.

I do often wonder about those ‘can’t help it’ people who are habitually late. If and when they have young children, are those poor kids invariably late for school, or does the parent somehow manage to get them there on time?

Only me wondering why you’re telling a dead friend anything? 😵‍💫😵‍💫🫣🫣 (Until I read the comments)

I told my now DH that our wedding ceremony started an hour earlier than the start time. Both him and his mother are always late and I didn't need the stress of them being late on our wedding day. We got married abroad so the timing was very specific. Don't think they were impressed but I didn't care, they were both ready on time and it made a change for them to have to wait for other people.

But you obviously dont spend all day checking the clock otherwise you would leave on time? Or do you check the clock and then just ignore the time you need to leave at?

I just dont get it. You know your always late to the airport so why not plan to get there extra early? Why cant you adjust your arrival times not expect others to?

Theyre not optimistic though, they're wrong. The first few times fair enough but by the 5th time theyve done something they know how long it takes. If your always late then you know your always under estimating how long things take and need to take that into account

Ultimately it again boils down to they dont care that they're late and therefore dont plan their time accordingly.

I always ask on threads like this & nobody ever answers. If you know you’re always late for whatever reason, do you mention that when making plans?

I cannot abide lateness, it is the height of rude behaviour. Yes, I would tell someone a different time, but in all honesty I’d probably have given up seeing them after a few occasions of them being late.