AIBU to think telling a late friend the wrong start time is fair?

[bigred26]

Saw a poll this week that says nearly half of us have a friend who's never on time, and about a third of people deal with it by telling that friend plans start earlier than they really do. Apparently the point where lateness tips into rude is 29 minutes.

One side says it's a harmless fix: they turn up roughly on time, nobody's left waiting, and you avoid an awkward row. The other says it's still a lie, treats a grown adult like a child, and dodges the honest conversation.

Would you do it, or just tell them straight?

YANBU and I've done it. The couple in question were still last to arrive.

If I had my time over, I would have said 'the hell with it', and started lunch without them.

We used to do that for my bil. Looking back, I see that it was a control tactic, as if he was late it inconvenienced his wife and kids and everyone else. We have a friend notoriously late, but that was scatty. Since everyone made jokes about it, shes now slightly early.

I have a friend who is always late. We joke about it and it doesn't bother me as we've been friends for over 30 years and know each other well. She has adhd, I probably do too. But I'm the opposite. I have a fear of being late so I'll set off really early for stuff and be waiting around even longer for her. Which is my fault! We usually meet at shopping centres so i can wander round before I go to our meeting point to wait for her to be late (when she's one minute late I will message to tell her so😁)

I get very stressed at the thought of being late, so I'm always trying to leave early, and my partner thinks I'm crazy. The fear also means I can't do anything before a meeting or appointment because I'll be in waiting mode, and can only concentrate on the upcoming thing and when I can leave.

We used to do this with our mum- she was always at least half an hour late for everything. 'Honest conversations' achieved nothing, because in her mind her lateness was always justified in some way, which was more important than our annoyance/her rudeness.

Our dad, on the other hand (mum and dad were divorced) was always early for everything, by at least 45 minutes (one of the many, many ways in which they were incompatible). He used to build in too much contingency time. Once he picked me up 5 hours before a flight, to take me to the airport half an hour away...

So we would tell mum the meet up time was half an hour earlier than it really was, and dad 45 minutes later.

None of us ever told our parents, and all of our blood pressures remained at a reasonable level.

just deliberately engineer situations where being late shows them up. A meal with a defined start time, where they show up and everyone's halfway through their starter. Or a starting location where everyone meets for a quick drink and then heads off after 30mins. Just make it really awkward and difficult for anybody who can't understand 'this is the time everybody will meet up and start the thing'

For a while I did this with persistently late MIL but found it only worked for a short time and actually made her even later in the long run.

I'd assumed the problem was that she was late just because she just thought it didn't matter and we'd wait for her anyway so she'd take her time. So telling her an earlier time would mean when she inevitably arrived 20-30mins late it would actually be just when we wanted to meet. I realised later, after seeing her getting ready to go out, that she did actually always intend to arrive on time and tried to work backwards from arrival time to decide what time to leave. But she always underestimated how long things would take and didn't build in time for things that I would have said were fairly predictable (eg traffic, going to the loo before leaving, putting on shoes, finding a parking space etc) or prepare things in advance so that she could just leave on time (eg. she wouldn't think to get petrol, decide her clothes, get her bag ready etc the day before). So in her mind she absolutely should have always arrived on time but 'something happened' that made being late unavoidable. When we told her an earlier time I think it made it worse after a few occasions because now in her mind she was using the same process but actually arriving slightly early so was clearly allowing too much time and could afford to leave a bit later.

I hate lateness, but tolerated it in a friend who was habitually late, because I liked her company. I was always gracious when she arrived late (though inwardly annoyed at being left to sit by myself for ages). One day, I couldn’t find a parking space and so was late myself. Sod’s Law, she was on time that day and kept phoning me asking where I was , was I coming, etc. That really got my goat!

I wouldn't lie to them, but I wouldn't be dependent on them showing up. For example if going to a show together I'd make sure I had my ticket and go in without them. If they miss it, thats on them.

If it was a holiday I'd be making sure I had all my own stuff and I'd not be relying on them for transport to the airport, nor would I be responsible for picking them up. Strictly meet at airport, I'll see you other side of security. If they miss the flight, I'm getting on it.

This breakdown is genuinely really helpful. I have ADHD as does my mum, and honestly at the age of 40 I’m only just learning that you should be early to things, not arrive at the time they start. I still forget though when I’m trying to work backwards to work out the time I should leave (I’m not generally late to things now, but I’m never early). I’ve found visual timers help me so much as I don’t keep having to check my watch to work out how much longer I have left before leaving, I’ve got a literal countdown in my face which gives a decent amount of panic to get me going. It’s a pain in the arse, I wish I was NT.

Which is why I’d never put myself in that position. I’d only do something time-dependent with a late / flaky friend if it was as part of a group, & we were all able to start without her if necessary.

Someone important in my life has ADHD and Autism. He is a chronic late person and drives everyone in his life crazy. It is genuinely very hard for him to get out the door and I have been able to help him improve by being medicated, planning the route before hand and he used to have a coach. His family are all the same so I don't think he ever learnt strategies until quite late in life. He genuinely can't help it but that doesn't make it less difficult on the rest of us.

A lot of people would lie about the start time and he would be genuinely upset and extremely hurt when he found this out. It was really terrible to see how distressed and almost betrayed he felt when it happened.

I don't see that being late is fair but I kind of feel like directly lying to your friends is a bit crappy as well.

Yep- completely agree. I wont continue making plans with people who are repeatedly late.

In a group scenario its ok because it only them that are affected by the consequences

I agree.
When someone is habitually late the message they are sending is "My time is more important than yours."
It depends on your point of view as to whether or not you want people in your life with this attitude.
I had a friend who openly said "Everyone else is used to it, why can't you get used to it ?" 😮I chose not to, and hey-ho we aren't friends any more.
IMO it's controlling behaviour and shouldn't be tolerated.

Opposite here. Mine are always ridiculously early so we tell them we want them later than we do!!

This

My sister is always late and I know that her friends have told her earlier meeting times to avoid her lateness. She wasn't offended in any way as she recognises that she has a timekeeping problem!

Funnily enough, most of my friends tend to be very punctual people! We're all far more likely to be early than late.

It's not a hard and fast rule. If I've got a friend who I know is usually punctual, and they haven't turned up, then I'll figure they're stuck in traffic and give them a bit of leeway. But anyone whose a bit flaky just gets a "You didn't turn up so I left" when they inevitably text to ask where I am.

DP is actually the worst person I know for this. No matter how long she has to get ready, she fills whatever time is available plus an extra half an hour. She still does this with her friends, but funnily enough never needs that extra half an hour, because she knows I will and have leave the house without her

I do this to myself now. I set my clocks 5 minutes fast, and I always aim to leave the house 15 minutes before I actually need to leave the house (half an hour if it's for a big trip/holiday), which usually ensures I leave on time. I've never been the "hours late" sort of person, usually in the 5-15 minutes range. But I think if I was the sort of person to be half an hour late to everything, I wouldn't mind my friends doing this to me as it would help me be on time.

I used to work with someone who had this quirky scatterbrained personality thing going on, she was late to work everyday, late back from lunch and other people were waiting to go. Her excuse was she had no conception of time!
Didn’t like it when I asked why , in that case, was she never early.

Some horrible comments on here.

Many people who have this problem are ND, often diagnosed-or on the path to diagnosis-with ADHD, anxiety or autism.

That means that they are disabled. They are often eligible for disability related benefits or accommodations being made in the workplace.

Would posters be saying that they would leave after 10 minutes if the late person was a wheelchair user?

Of course not. Not all disabilities are visible or disappear when the child becomes an adult.

exDP used to try to control me by making us late if we were doing something that mattered to me eg meeting up with my family. I can’t abide lateness so he got his wish ….. until I solved it by giving him an earlier time. That way, everyone was happy…… he still thought he was controlling me but actually in this one way I was controlling him.

1 minute?

Literally noone is saying if a person was 10 mins late once they'd dump them.

We are talking about constant repetitive flakiness that causes their friend to have to wait unreasonable amounts of time for them.

I could equally ask- do you have no empathy for those of us who have anxiety?

It causes me huge anxiety to be waiting for someone who doesnt show up - why are my feelings less important than someone else's?

Just because someone is NT doesnt mean they dont have mental health issues too. Anxiety isnt visible either.

I think turning up early is equally rude tbh. When I’m leaving the house or expecting someone and we have a time planned then I may go to the bathroom a few mins before this to make sure I’ve emptied my bladder/ sorted makeup etc and if someone bangs on the door 5-10 mins early it scuppers that. Now I tell ppl I work to the time we agreed and if they arrive early I’m afraid they’ll have to wait for me to answer the door. It’s worked.

Stop accepting invitations if you hate getting ready to go out so much! This is ludicrous, frankly.