AIBU to think telling a late friend the wrong start time is fair?

[bigred26]

Saw a poll this week that says nearly half of us have a friend who's never on time, and about a third of people deal with it by telling that friend plans start earlier than they really do. Apparently the point where lateness tips into rude is 29 minutes.

One side says it's a harmless fix: they turn up roughly on time, nobody's left waiting, and you avoid an awkward row. The other says it's still a lie, treats a grown adult like a child, and dodges the honest conversation.

Would you do it, or just tell them straight?

I don't wait for anyone for more than 15 minutes (medical appointments are my exception). If someone is 15 minutes late I leave. I don't have friends who are late to meet me. I am never late (chronically and frustratingly early for EVERYTHING).

It's 100% fine, no problem of any kind, if you choose to do this (lie about the meeting time). They don't deserve any better and it doesn't in any way harm them.

I couldn't be arsed with them at all, whatever their problem is, not interested in fixing them or working around them. Up to you though.

As a person who is often late, telling me to come earlier is fine, I will then arrive on time.

You could arrive on time at the correct time if you considered it important enough. Why do you feel other people should show up at the agreed time but you get a pass?

Dp has a lovely friend but he's always late (and would be much later if his girlfriend didn't push him)

We where once meant to be having their dog while they went on holiday

The say he was dropping the dog off,i was at work at 8,which meant getting up at 6am,set off at half 7 and finished at 4pm/home by 4:15 ish

He was meant to be dropping the dog off at about half 4/5pm

He showed up at quarter past midnight!

I'd long since gone to bed and he was surprised I wasn't still up and waiting to see the dog (who i adored,rip zigs)

He does have adhd but that was taking the piss

As someone who is disabled my attitude is that my disabilities are for me to cope with and organise my life around. Obviously there are some basics that need to be in place for wheelchair users etc such as ramps and lifts. Those with mobility issues understand and accept there are many things that we are never going to experience and many places we will never go.Those that are ND also need to accept that some of their behaviour will rub others up the wrong way and that those other are quite within their rights to find such behaviours unacceptable. ADHD, Autism is not a behave as you please card. Those with chronic depression have to understand that some folk just can't deal with it. We are all adults and get to choose what we can accept and what we can't.

I agree-it's not A Behave as You Please Card.

It is a Behave as You are Wired to Curse.

And..... some of us are wired to not cope well with waiting endlessly

See how this works both ways? 🙄

If someone is habitually late every single time, it doesn't matter how long it is, its still rude and incredibly arrogant.

I hate getting ready for work too. Should I stop working? No, I don’t think so.

It’s a flaw of mine. Friends happy to suck-it up, as no one’s perfect!

What a very strange response 🤔
Do you manage to get to work on time? If so, your “flaw” is reserved for those who’ll put up with it and you reckon don’t deserve any better.
Nice.

I'm ND and have chronic illnesses. Of course it's good/nice for people to make adjustments for you but I think I'm also mostly accountable for doing my best to get places on time./at all or at the very least commuicate with people if that isn't going to happen. If people are always 30 mins late every time I meet them it's just bad manners and I will tell them we are meeting half an hour earlier. I might understand why they are late but there are also resposible for using strategies to get there on time if they value the friendship.

It’s bad on her that you have to. She obviously thinks her time is more important than yours

We always did this with my sibling... who would rush around pushing everyone else out of the way so that he could get ready last-minute. All start times were brought forward by half an hour.

Thankfully, since meeting his now-wife, he is on time for things, because she is obsessed with not being called, "The late family". I am unsure as to whether she also lies to him, as I've never thought to ask!

If you genuinely class 1 minute late as being rude then that’s insane. That could be the difference between the clock in their car & yours.

Are you always late to work? and if so, do you tell them to suck it up because noones perfect?

🙄

I don’t maintain friendships with people who are persistently late. It’s too annoying.

They’d still be late wouldn’t they?! You tell them 10, they show up at 10:30. You tell them 10:30, they show up at 11. Not sure how that would solve the problem.

Because if the real time is 10:30 and you tell them 10:00, and they arrive at 10:30, they're on time, and no one else has had to stand around waiting for them.

My friend is habitually late but she knows when someone is pulling the wool over her eyes by lying and telling her an earlier start time. Or so she's said. But I find it very frustrating at depending on where we're going very stressful too!

So, she's perceptive enough to get this but not perceptive enough to notice how much it inconveniences you?

I'd say she simply doesnt care.

People who are late all the time are massively rude. So the issue should be with them, not the people who are trying to not be left waiting all the time.

I do it occasionally with my children so we manage to get to appointments on time, but I couldn't be bothered doing it with an adult.

I have friends like this, it's rude, but I just make a point of highlighting that they are late. I think after 20 years the penny is starting to drop. They're still late but they do look sheepish. I also no longer make a huge effort to get there bang on time as I'm the opposite and am always too early.

The problem with that is that they don't realise they're late so nothing ever changes.

Several of our extended family are habitually late. If one of my SILs shows up on the right day it's a win. Getting upset or angry, or issuing reminders makes no difference. I find it immensely annoying, but then I was brought up in a family where if you said you'd be arriving at "about one" that meant you had to be there between 12.59 and 13.01 unless you wanted my Dad to be in a bad mood all day, which is nearly equally bad I suppose.
I do give fake time frames to the habitually late people sometimes, but only on occasions where their lateness is going to have a negative impact on me or other people. If it's something where only they are going to miss out on something if they are late then I leave them to it.