AIBU to think telling a late friend the wrong start time is fair?

[bigred26]

Saw a poll this week that says nearly half of us have a friend who's never on time, and about a third of people deal with it by telling that friend plans start earlier than they really do. Apparently the point where lateness tips into rude is 29 minutes.

One side says it's a harmless fix: they turn up roughly on time, nobody's left waiting, and you avoid an awkward row. The other says it's still a lie, treats a grown adult like a child, and dodges the honest conversation.

Would you do it, or just tell them straight?

I am the habitually late person and im endlessly embarrassed by it. I don't mean to, but I have little concept of how long things take. Time blindness is a thing.

Ten minutes to have a shower. Realistically, it's 15 by the time ive got a fresh towel out of the cupboard and replenished the shower gel that someone else finished. Then it's 6 minutes to get dressed, 4 minutes to brush teeth, another 6 minutes to find my keys.... things don't stack up in my head like that, it's only as I watch the clock ticking away that I realise, embarrassingly, that I'm letting everyone down again. .... but it only takes 10 minutes to have a shower.

I wouldn't be offended if someone told me it was an hour earlier just so im there on time for something really important, but I'd be raging if it was for something I didn't want to be at anyway!

As long as your friends are all equally late then it probably doesn’t matter.

If it takes 15 mins to take a shower, then you allow 20 mins etc. Outside of being ND, you can’t be that embarrassed or you wouldn’t do it.

Lateness is inherently selfish because it shows that your time is apparently more valuable than anyone else’s.

Five minutes without a messsge or anything is late as far as I am concerned, ten minutes and I don’t bother meeting up again unless there is a good reason for the lateness.

I got rid of my habitually late friend. She was child free and would cancel about 45 mins AFTER we were meant to meet then make out she had had a panic attack. I am not knocking those as I have had them, but on fb she was having a wild time at people's parties, managing holidays, meeting new blokes etc. I am not an idiot, just say no if you don't want to meet rather than stranding people somewhere and making excuses.

I am ND, with high functioning anxiety. Im never late for work because I plan everything to the Nth degree and mask so well that everyone thinks I have my life together, but my personal life is a mess and I'm perpetually exhausted so much so that I struggle to explain to others because I function so well elsewhere.

It is embarrassing. Trust me.

If it’s an ND thing as well as anxiety then why didn’t you say so? I’m ND and accustomed to masking but I’m the opposite with time. And because I’m so strict with time I can’t be arsed to wait around for someone who clearly doesn’t respect me or my time .

Tbf I don’t bother meeting up with people now so it’s easier

Write it down then, and next time you need to leave by a certain time, refer back to it and write a timetable for your day accordingly.

That would suggest I have the executive function to do all those steps... if I run my life like I run my work, it would be great, but I'd probably be dead. High functioning anxiety and masked neurodivergence make for a really miserable existence.

I just avoid social interactions almost entirely because I'm perpetually burnt out from writing lists, creating timetables and being 'perfect' at work that by the time I have me time, I barely function at all.

Being late isn't always being rude. It's being burnt out, it's being overwhelmed, it's being comfortable enough to not mask and be like the 'normal' people.

What about the feelings of the person you’re keeping waiting? Or is it only your feelings that matter?

And it’s anxiety inducing if someone is ND but it manifests the opposite way.

I don’t bother meeting with people now so that’s how I feel I have to deal with it

You have just explained your routine, so you do know that a shower takes you longer than 10 mins therefore act accordingly and stop making people wait for you.

I don't mention it as such but I don't usually suggest very specific times, so I'll arrange to meet in a coffee shop or gallery. or say "call me when you are near". My friends tend to do similar so it works.

I did find that it's a psychological issue in that the habitually late often feel really uncomfortable arriving even 5 mins early. To get places on time I have to add in loads of contingency but also almost do calming breathing to keep getting ready despite there being spare time. I don't think it's selfishness any more than overweight people are simply greedy. In both cases the strategies are within the power of the person to change but it is actually very hard to sustain.

I tried to do this with one of my friends who is normally hours late. However typically that one time he turned up on time for once so ended up waiting for us!

I’ve had various friends over the years who are late for everything and they all had one thing in common, they were all trying to fit too many activities into time they didn’t have and couldn’t accurately estimate how long an activity would take, so say you’re meeting at 7pm, I’d have a shower at 6pm, do hair, make up, put on an outfit I know matches and leave the house at 6:45 because I know it takes 10 minutes to drive to town, this allows me to 5 minutes to park and pay for a parking ticket. Friend would go in the shower at 6:30, then start trying on loads of outfits, then decide she’d better clean the bathroom and load the dishwasher before she leaves the house, then find the carpark she wants to use is full so drives around for 30 minutes and so on… in the end I either only arrange to go somewhere with these people if it’s somewhere I’d be going anyway or would be happy to go on my own, but I usually end up dropping them because whether it’s their intention or not it’s rude and annoying.

If I am meeting one of my sister's sh is always about 20 mins to 30 mins late for no good reason. We now just tell her we are meeting up about 20 mins earlier than we are. She hasn't clocked it yet. We are happy we are not all waiting for her. She is happier as now we are not moaning to her she is late. She is still sometimes 10 mins late but that is easier to put up with.

This is such a bad read.

I am quite casual about time. I have a Mediterranean attitude to it. It wouldn't bother me at all if we arranged to meet at 8 and you turned up at ten past. It's in the ballpark. It's fine.

It's absolutely not a case of my thinking "my time is more valuable than yours." That isn't how I'm thinking about it at all.

Would I be especially careful to turn up at the airport on time? Yes, but I'd be creeping quite close to the wire. (I've never missed a plane because I've been late, but I've missed trains.)

Am I often late for work? Yes.

I get that it annoys you but you shouldn't assume the ego stuff or that I don't want to be there.

You're not treating them like a child. When we were kids, we arranged to meet at a certain time, and everyone managed it. No one ever said 1.30 if they meant 2 to any child I knew.
And it's not lying. If the group want to meet at 2, and tell Missymaincharacter to meet at 1.30, it's true they do want to meet at 2, and they are doing. They're simply telling her 1.30 because of who she is.

Good for you being laid back but don’t you see that not everyone has that attitude? I don’t expect people to make allowances for my AuDHD but if they are going to leave me waiting because they are chilled about it then why bother arranging to meet at a certain time? It’s taking the piss when you know the other person will be on time/early.

I have a friend like this. They don't even apologise for being late, they just make up some bullshit lie about how they thought we had said xyz time, and then get the arse when people leave within 30 minutes of their arrival (usually because whatever outing we are at has wrapped up by then). It infuriates me, especially when I've got written proof that I said a specific time!

There are many other reasons but I don't see them much anymore.

I have an aunt I have to do it with every now and again.

if it’s a timed event then I have to lie or else she’s going to miss the film/train/show.

That sounds like it makes sense, but it’s actually quite often an inability to prevent your brain wandering off track.

I can and do build in time, always. I write everything on the calendar, I check routes in advance, I build in time for delays, I set alarms. But I cannot stop my brain from wandering off when it’s inconvenient. I fully intend hanging up my car keys. I have a hook by the front door. But I don’t always actually see it even though it’s in front of me. I’m thinking about something else by then. I can leave my bag in front of the door, but I’ll pick it up to go out then put it down again without realising.

I am usually early, tbf, but that’s with spending a fortune and a huge amount more effort than you’d believe. I now have five bags, one for each main activity, each filled with duplicates of handcream, pens, notepad etc. I have many many coats because I can’t find one when I’m going out. Likewise shoes. I spend a fortune on snacks I can grab on the go because I forget to leave time for meals. I have spares of literally everything I might need in the car for when I forget those. I have spare uniforms for the kids’ activities because I’ll forget to wash or dry them.

I have a lot of sympathy for people who can’t help being late. As long as they are apologetic and they try. If they are selfish dicks who don’t care that I’m waiting for them, then I phase them out.

Keeping your attention on track with ADHD is like trying to hold jelly in your hands. Or trying to keep control of six toddlers when you only have two hands. Something WILL slip, and that may be noticing it’s the time/place to put your keys away. I was on red when I filled up yesterday because I entirely forgot to fill up the last three times I went out, despite telling myself I needed to and having the gauge in front of my face. It just…. disappears.

This thread is really interesting. I have a friend who is ALWAYS 10 - 15 minutes late. I always assumed it was because she felt anxious/uncomfortable standing waiting on her own or getting a table in her own. I also wonder if it’s an IBS thing for some people and they feel they have to go before leaving the house?

I like being on time. I put thought into it if it’s a complex journey and build in a little contingency. If I’m getting ready and it seems to be taking longer than I thought then I speed up. I don’t have to spend time looking for my things.

I could just always arrive late to meet this friend but I’d hate to keep her waiting. And don’t mind standing or sitting around on my own for a bit.

Anxiety related IBS does also make me late. Especially if I’m already stressing about running late or facing a social occasion. I spend a lot on Imodium. It’s now part of my going out routine. But before that (or if I run out, thank goodness for Amazon subscriptions) then that was an issue too.

For me being more than 10-15 mins late is rude, and more than 2 mins should send a text.
Definitely tell them a earlier start time!

People who are late and then flippant or rude about it are a different matter though. What’s annoying you then isn’t so much their lateness as their rudeness/arrogance/selfishness.

Some of my friends are far worse than me. I ask them to message me from the driving seat as they are about to set off before I leave the house myself. I offer to do the same.