AIBU to think telling a late friend the wrong start time is fair?

[bigred26]

Saw a poll this week that says nearly half of us have a friend who's never on time, and about a third of people deal with it by telling that friend plans start earlier than they really do. Apparently the point where lateness tips into rude is 29 minutes.

One side says it's a harmless fix: they turn up roughly on time, nobody's left waiting, and you avoid an awkward row. The other says it's still a lie, treats a grown adult like a child, and dodges the honest conversation.

Would you do it, or just tell them straight?

I don’t have any habitually late friends because if at any point I had met someone I would not have progressed the friendship.

I have DH relatives to make up for this. We do indeed lie to MIL because she is such an utterly shit timekeeper. There have been times she has just not been invited either. She lives not far from Legoland. I’m sure she would have liked a day with us and the kids, we live a couple of hundred miles away. We decided not to tell her we were going and stayed in a hotel.

I've been telling DH that things start 30 minutes before they do for 36 years.

He is hopeless re anything social and a workaholic. He always thinks he can draft one more paragraph and still get somewhere on time.

Yes, it’s fine to tell them the wrong time. They’ll probably never know.

I Have a child who tends to be “relaxed” about time and getting it wrong. We work backwards.
What time do you need to be there and what time do you need to get up? 10am and 9am
You can’t arrive exactly on time for structured things, you have to be there at least 10 mins early so what time do you need to be there? 9.50
hoe long is the journey? 30 mins
now allow some time for delays. What time should you leave? 9.15
jow long will it take you to get ready? 45 mins
now allow 15 mins to find stuff, etc. what time do you need to get up? 8.15.

He would be late if he hasn’t thought it through.

I can't abide tardiness but it depends on the reason, a one off caused by travelling delays or a solid reason is fine, telling me it's because you have "time blindness" is utter crap and i will not makes plans to meet in public again. It is beyond rude and the whole but i have adhd/autism is not a get out card. My time is just as important and by being constantly late is saying stuff you.

I agree. I cannot remain friends with people who do this.

Waiting alone for someone you dont know is even going to turn up gives me anxiety and I dont see why their mental wellbeing trumps mine 🤷‍♀️

This, in a nutshell

Depends on context.

What they’re late for, why they’re late (traffic, buses, demanding household/job, disability).

I don’t mind if people are late, unless it’s for something where the time matters, e.g. a booking. I just relax and read my book. So I wouldn’t lie. But for a specific booking where time matters, I’d arrange to meet 30 mins before.

My DD has ADHD and struggles with being on time although she has made a lot of progress after her friends told her that they were lying to her about meet up times. She was very upset/offended and has since been much better. It is really difficult for her and she has to set a lot of reminders.

I used to lie to DH about when we were due at places where being on time mattered but he had also massively improved.

I think it’s worth having an honest conversation about lateness if it’s really impacting how you feel about your friend/relative.

I've given up on a very close friend who is always late. Often I'm meeting her after work and she's walking to the place so no reasonable excuse but she'll have started chatting to someone on her way out or just popped into a shop on the way or whatever. She does have ADHD, she knows this and it's down to her to manage it. I just got fed up of sitting in a cafe on my own or getting into the theatre at the last minute.

If someone is habitually late so you can make them on-time by lying then they're doing it consciously. That is incredibly rude .

We had a friend like that in our social group that would go out for drinks etc. She’d be anything up to an hour late. The first couple of times, we let it slide.

By the fourth time (I think) someone suggested that we put in the group chat that we would meet at (let’s say) 7pm and we would be ordering at 7.15pm with whoever had arrived. It didn’t stop the latecomer, who arrived 45 mins late, but it meant we all got our food at a decent time 😂

Over time, she got the idea that we weren’t going to be held hostage to her schedule.

Nah I give 10 minutes and then leave them behind. If it's a pattern and consist then I won't make one on one plans at all. Always in a group.

Not being waited for is a decent motivater.

There are lots of people on this thread who think that if they could just convince the chronically late to be on time it would solve the issue, but in my experience this is a more fundamental personality clash. Attitude to timekeeping tells you a lot about people beyond that. So I wouldn't want a friend who thinks it's normal to arrive at 10.45 if we're meeting at 10, but nor would I want a friend who thinks it's a big deal to arrive at 10.05. If we could 'fix' the time issue I still think that underlying that we'd have a personality mismatch because one person is too chaotic for me and the other is too rigid. Other people would get on brilliantly with one of those people, but not with me.

So, your whole life must be chronically disorganised! Car keys should always be in the same place. Get fuel for your car long before the petrol gauge gets near empty. Think and plan ahead for all journeys - maybe make a lengthy checklist to be ticked off long before you start preparations to leave.

Yes I think that’s a good plan - I don’t think any late comer expects people to wait. I would always say ‘please order’ or ‘please order me a rose and a pizza’ if I was ten mins away

No I disagree. I think they just always underestimate what things might cause delays and, coupled with them being the type of disorganized character that delays are more likely to happen with, and someone who is less able to plan and predict (time blindness and object permanence are issues with ADHD) they will probably really aim for the early time, but something chaotic will happen which will delay rhem

Did this for a while with one woman, then decided she was old enough to look after herself. Almost pissed myself laughing when she missed her train to London for our day out. She lives a 15 minute bus ride and a 5 minute walk, or a 10-15 minute taxi ride from the station, and has plenty of money for taxi etc.

That's not much fun ordering food on your own though if you are waiting for a friend and what happens if their food arrives and they still arent there?

In a group its not such an issue but if its just the two of you, its really unpleasant

If they are always late I stop being friends with them.

That’s a really kind and helpful approach can you adopt me too please (I’m 40)

I agree with that, I’m thinking of groups. But I’ve often been the one waiting too (London transport and traffic is pretty unpredictable) this tends to happen whenever I’m miraculously early and I tend to enjoy feeling smug, and use the time to have a guilt free doom scroll or catch up on some life admin which is always needing attention or my WhatsApp’s - waiting genuinely doesn’t bother me as long as I know what’s happening (eg are you two mins away or 20 mins, as I might pop to a shop or call a friend if it’s the second one) I would only get anxious if I hadn’t heard from them at all

I think anything more than 5 minutes is rude.

My DP is habitually late, he never seems to be able to grasp the concept of things taking a certain amount of time, then everything is a rush. It drives me INSANE and has caused many crossed words.

I frequently tell him things are scheduled 15 minutes earlier than they are so that he gets there on time. Tough shit if it's a fib, it means he's there when he's supposed to be and if he has anything to say about it then he's calling himself out on his habitual lateness.

I'm amazed only a third of people do this!

DH is obsessed with nice watches yet is one of the most consistently late people I know. If I didn't lie to him about arrival times we would be divorced by now.

I don't need to do it all the time, he's fine with flight/train times, but when it's a social occasion it's just bloody rude to be late if you know people will be waiting for you.

It’s something I’m working on. I think if I was to go through the education system now I’d have been diagnosed with something. I’m always half way through 20 tasks. Lists everywhere. I wake up in the night rehearsing lists of things in my head. Always end up paying a fortune to have speedy delivery as I’ve left things to the last conceivable moment. I understand completely why people think tardiness is a choice but it’s genuinely plagued me my whole life!

I do this to my boyfriend if we really have to be on time. He is there stressing about the time, thinking we’re going to be late but I know we’re not, otherwise I’d be stressing about the time. His ADHD is his to manage, but when it comes to me also facing consequences then that is my strategy to avoid the stress for myself. I think he sees it as a bit of a betrayal, but I think that’s probably really just defensiveness.

I would only do it to a friend if they were really great in all other ways and very apologetic. Or possibly if it was cultural and timings are vague in their country. If not then me (and probably other people) getting annoyed and dropping them is a consequence of their own behaviour