AIBU to think telling a late friend the wrong start time is fair?

[bigred26]

Saw a poll this week that says nearly half of us have a friend who's never on time, and about a third of people deal with it by telling that friend plans start earlier than they really do. Apparently the point where lateness tips into rude is 29 minutes.

One side says it's a harmless fix: they turn up roughly on time, nobody's left waiting, and you avoid an awkward row. The other says it's still a lie, treats a grown adult like a child, and dodges the honest conversation.

Would you do it, or just tell them straight?

There is NO excuse for habitual lateness. I’m aghast at some of the excuses on here; ADHD, hate getting ready to go out… 🙄

So they often miss flights? Are they always late for work? If they had a five minute window to collect a million pound prize would they miss out due to lateness? Of course not.

Ultimately someone who is habitually late either doesn’t really want to be there, or values their own time far more then they value yours. Some people just get a kick out of being important enough for other people to wait for.

Pure selfishness with a huge dollop of ego thrown in.

I almost always tell my wife we need to leave 30 mins before we do. But I tell her we should aim for X so we leave by Y. (It's not getting kids ready or anything; it's getting out of bed and getting ready. Seems to work ok.

I have a close friend who is habitually late and I once told her what time we needed to be at the train station. She replied 'Is that the time I need to get there or is that the time of the train?'

It had been the time she needed to be there but given she'd asked, I said time of the train. The true time was further up the chat if she'd wanted to check. That meant she arrived early and had to wait.

I could tell she was a little put out but didn't say anything - and I should think not to be honest after the amount of times the rest of us have sat there having to debate whether to get the train without her because she would arrive at the skin of her teeth.

I don't think it kills them to have to be the one sat bored and frustrated waiting for everyone else to arrive once in a while!

Yep! I have always wondered this about the habitually late.

If they had a lottery win of millions but the only condition to collect it was that they had to arrive at lottery HQ no later than 1pm on a certain day I would bet my mortgage they'd miraculously be there on time!

Because when its important enough to you, you will find a way....

A lot of people saying ADHD etc. but I think what's really irritating is often the attitude that comes with perpetual lateness.

We say let's meet at six, six comes and goes. No word on where they are or why they're late or expected time of arrival. Calls and texts go unanswered. Eventually they turn up and that's when the annoying laugh starts - "Oh you know what I'm like! I don't know why you ever expect me to arrive on time!"

No apology, no explanation, expects you to find it a funny and quirky part of their personality.

I saw an 'explanation' on here once that said "I just don't know how, I'll get ready and realise I have ten minutes before I need to leave so I'll start the washing up and that takes longer than I think-" so stop doing things if you know you need to leave soon!? Heaven forbid you leave early and have to wait a little to avoid being late if you KNOW you're consistently late? Scroll social media for a couple of minutes? My goodness!

I'm not sure about that actually. The person who is most habitually late that I know would probably still turn up late and then blame the Lottery for not making enough effort to accomodate her. Or it would be someone else's fault for sure. And she does regularly miss flights, trains and boats, as well as arrive late events that you would expect to be very important to her. It drives me mad and I try to avoid making arrangements with her as much as possible. I absolutely will not travel anywhere with her under any circumstances. But I don't think it is as simple as she can't be bothered, there's more to it than that.

Right but last time that one last wee or that shop or coffee made you late, so now you know you dont have time for it?

You know what time roughly the gate is released so just head to the gate when its released. You know what time the gate closes so if your constantly checking the time you would know when you need to be there.

I dont think most people have an inate sense of time passing, you just know how long x took last time so plan accordingly.

A lot of people saying ADHD etc. but I think what's really irritating is often the attitude that comes with perpetual lateness.
We say let's meet at six, six comes and goes. No word on where they are or why they're late or expected time of arrival. Calls and texts go unanswered. Eventually they turn up and that's when the annoying laugh starts - "Oh you know what I'm like! I don't know why you ever expect me to arrive on time!"
No apology, no explanation, expects you to find it a funny and quirky part of their personality.

Urgh, YES. It's the faux-quirky, tee-hee-hee "Oh, what am I like? 😂 I guess I'm just one of life's late people!" routine that makes me rage.

As though being perpetually late is some utterly adorable personality trait rather than a spectacular disregard for everyone else's time.

And apparently we're all supposed to stand there, having wasted the last 40 minutes of our lives, laughing along as though we're witnessing a particularly charming scene from a Richard Curtis film, rather than mentally calculating whether a teaspoon is a sufficiently effective implement for gouging someone's eyes out.

You're not quirky, Brenda. You're just fucking late. Again. And now you're making it everybody else's problem.

I think this is the crux. If Im running late I'll send a message, I'll be rushing so I'll probably arrive a bit flustered and be very apologetic. If I was running really late Id arrive without say my hair done because I ran out of time.

People that are chronically late just rock up 30 minutes late and laugh. And it's not that they are "optimistic with time" its that they dont see being late as a problem.

I have always been late for work too actually but seem to have got away with for the past 30 years. I do work a lot in my personal time though, so they probably know they’re on to a good thing and shouldn’t sweat the little stuff.

Some people have disabilities to do with time management, so I'd say it's a reasonable hack.

I had a habitually late friend. I sucked it up for a while but, later, challenged her on it and her response was "Well more fool you for waiting!"

She is no longer a friend and I no longer tolerate habitual lateness. Life is too short for that

If someone has a disability related to time management their arrival time will be chaotic, and unpredictable. So telling them an arrival time of 30 minutes early is not going to help and is just cruel, because sometimes they will arrive early or only 10 minutes late etc

If someone is repetitively 30 minutes late that is habitual lateness. They just dont value your time, they are just adjusting their arrival time by 30 minutes, and that person is just rude

I am ALWAYS a few moments early and ready to meet at the exact time mentioned. I’m not known for being late or flakey in any way. So I was absolutely fucking incandescent with rage when my FIL told me to meet at 12 and told everyone else to come at 1pm for a pub lunch. I had to drive 2 hrs with 3 kids and was obviously there at 1155, some of the other invitees didn’t arrive until 1.30 so the kids and I were starving.

If it got to the point it was telling them the wrong time, I would already have told them straight. Bluntly and with feeling.
My next step would be not inviting them at all.

Everyone's phone is at the same time. If you are meeting at 15:00 then you should be there by 14:55 at the very very latest so if you arrive at 15:01 you are very late and therefore rude.

We lie. She knows that we lie but it helps motivate her. She is a lovely person who cannot manage to be on time for anything, she is highly disorganised. She had to retake many exams to qualify in her role. It’s genuinely not her fault. She is scatty.

I wouldn't give an earlier time - I would give them a grace period then leave - and not make plans again

How can it be genuinely not her fault? It’s a choice she’s making, unless she has some sort of additional needs that lead to lack of understanding.

Just throwing it out there, I find it annoying when people are on time all the time. Just chill out a bit. Nothing bad is going to happen if you arrive 5 minutes after the agreed time.

I wonder if the lateness is sometimes motivated by wanting to make a grand entrance, knowing that everybody else has been kept waiting.....
I used to sing for weddings at a church which was a popular venue (pretty setting, and in the days when fewer venues were available) so in the height of the wedding season, there could be two or three ceremonies on the trot. It was made clear to each happy couple that they had booked a slot, rather than the whole day being at their disposal.
One bride was so late that guests for the next service were beginning to arrive, so the vicar had to move the first set of guests over to the parish hall before starting the following service on time.
The bride eventually deigned to turn up, only to find herself waiting with her wedding party in the church hall until the second service had run its course.
She stomped up the aisle with a face like thunder.....
An organist friend of mine was asked if he could play for a service at his previous parish, on a day when he was already booked for one at his own church; if the first ceremony ran to time, it would be no problem at all. However, after arriving at the first church in plenty of time, and playing the organ dutifully for at least an hour and a half, he had to explain to his former vicar that he could delay no longer if he was going to get to the next ceremony; the parish priest was entirely sympathetic, and to be entirely fair, the more punctual guests had enjoyed a lovely organ recital while they waited. The bride was apparently gobsmacked when she finally turned up.

Years ago when I was a teenager a friend of mine had a Dad like this. Whenever she needed him to give her a lift anywhere she always told him it was half an hour earlier - seemed to work. I think he probably knew though as it was a running joke that he was always late for everything.

My MIL is exactly as you describe. For things with no obvious external deadline she just seems to accept it as part of her personality and when we've tried to explain how frustrating and inconvenient her constant lateness is she claims we're the odd ones because everyone else knows she doesn't mean to, 'things' just always happen that make her late. She claims that none of her friends mind- they're always just happy to sit and chat whilst she dashes around to get to them. Most of her friends are people she's known for upwards of 30 years so I don't think she can see that actually she's probably annoyed lots of people but they haven't wanted to remain friends with her. She often complains that none of her friends are interested in going on holiday or having weekends away. I can't help wondering if this could partly be because they don't want to be waiting around for her every time they want to do anything.

I have seen what she does when she needs to be on time for something where the timing is really important and even then she is often late, or only just on time, even when she thinks she has left herself far more time than she needs to get ready and travel there. I genuinely don't think she is really aware of how it is happening but I also think the fact that her friends (and late FIL when he was alive) have always just shrugged it off means she's never really felt the need to look more closely at why it happens. A pp said surely when you've been late once because you did X or found that the journey took longer than expected, you adjust things the next time. I would agree. But for MIL I really don't think she can see the link and generalise that to how to manage future journeys/delays etc that are not identical.

She is lovely in many other ways so we put up with her lateness, but it does mean that there are some things that we would invite her along to but we don't because we just know she would be late and it would spoil things for everyone else

But what about the times when they can make it to the airport on time, or to catch a train, or to see a film they're interested in? If they can do it for those times, then being late every other time is rude

DH is perpetually late. His whole family are for everything. Years ago I had to call his dentist to make him an appointment, even the receptionist recognised his name as always being late and told me he's always booked in for 20mins after the time they give him. They can never get organised to leave on time, and always act surprised when they notice the time.

I used to give him the wrong times, baby him out of the house getting ready but in the end I just gave up. DS had a hospital appointment and after 10mins of us sat in the car on the driveway waiting like lemons we just went without him. I was parking half an hour later when he finally realised we had gone without him and phoned. He now gets gets the time I am leaving and that is the time I go. The stress of nagging him outweighs having him there tbh.