AIBU to think telling a late friend the wrong start time is fair?

[bigred26]

Saw a poll this week that says nearly half of us have a friend who's never on time, and about a third of people deal with it by telling that friend plans start earlier than they really do. Apparently the point where lateness tips into rude is 29 minutes.

One side says it's a harmless fix: they turn up roughly on time, nobody's left waiting, and you avoid an awkward row. The other says it's still a lie, treats a grown adult like a child, and dodges the honest conversation.

Would you do it, or just tell them straight?

No.

Actions speak louder than words. Someone habitually late is telling you they don’t want to spend time in your company.

Lying about the meeting time looks like you’re desperate for their time.

Have some self respect. Stop meeting with them.

But you've literally just written how it takes you much longer than 10 minutes to have a shower so why on earth would you think it takes you 10 minutes?

You dont have to plan excessively but youve just written it takes you 30ish minutes to get dressed and out the house, that doesnt change massively day to day. To be on the safe side give yourself 45 and your done.

Thats like saying, "where did you lose it?"

If only my brain worked like that then it wouldn't be a problem. It works like that when I mask, but masking is exhausting and so if I have friends I'm lucky enough to not have to mask around then I let my brain work the way it does naturally and I end up late... if it's important I make sure im there, but if im 20 minutes late and my friends hate me for it... well I guess I need better friends.

Its not out of malice, laziness or lack of respect.

It’s still rude though.

Well no its not like saying where did you lose it. Youve written it takes you 30 minutes, you dont need to do any time calculations you already know how long it takes you

Its like saying I put my carkeys on the hook but I cant find them in my pocket.

In which case, it's rude when people in wheelchairs don't stand for the judge when he enters the courtroom, or the bride to walk down the aisle, or to sing the national anthem... I mean, most of them can stand if they really try.

@BluntBrickViper so you are able to discern an important thing that you mustn’t be late for and an unimportant thing where in your mind you don’t need to be there on time?

But I have AuDHD too and it causes me extreme anxiety and annoyance when people leave me hanging about. So I guess you need to surround yourself with people who aren’t bothered by it and then you don’t have to stress.

Yep. Often called “time blindness”.

This. There are the “if you’re on time, you’re late” people. And there are “ish” people who consider 15 up to 29 minutes after stated time in the ish category. 7:00 ish? 8:30 ish. Ish is grace period unless you’re going to a sports event, doctor’s appt. Or, taking a train, bus, or plane. These two outlooks are always going to clash.

Not unimportant, just where I can be myself and not force myself into the tight restraints of societal expectations of 'normal' people.

TBH, I rarely socialise because of this because the pressure to be 'normal' outweighs any joy from social interaction with people who can't understand how it feels to constantly put on a show.

My real friends know to not put time constraints on things, they know to flex, they know I'll flake sometimes... and just like Eeyore in the winnie the pooh series, they just accept that it's the way it is... that really is who we are.

We're not rude, it's not an attack on you, it's not because we don't have any regard for you... it just is.

However, if you need me in a crisis. If you need a place to stay. If you need a few hundred quid. If you need a lift. If your boyfriends beaten you up and you need to change the locks. If your cars broken down and you have no AA cover. Call me at 3am and ill be there at 3.15. Just don't make an arbitrary time for an event three months in advance which doesn't really matter that much and expect me to be there at 6pm exactly. Thats not who I am.

I used to do it because telling my ADHD best friend that I’m hurt she’s late doesn’t stop her being late. Telling her it’s unfair doesn’t change her disability.

Telling her the BBQ starts at 3.30pm instead of 6pm means she arrives at 5.45pm in a panic and I get to say… don’t worry, everyone is running behind :)

If people found that there were actual tangible consequences to them being late all the time, they wouldn't be late anymore.

I don't think I know anyone like this, but if I did, I wouldn't hesitate to tell them to be there/here earlier than would normally be necessary. It doesn't do any harm and avoids unpleasantness—if it works!

I'm late. It's not being selfish/rude, it's time blindness that has dogged me since infancy and made life quite difficult. My friends & family lie about the start time; I appreciate it!

For anyone wondering, it does apply at both ends. I work late without noticing and will stay after dinner to clear up, if you like. I've also been known to turn up on the wrong day 🤦‍♀️

I've missed flights, exams, surgeries ...

But that’s the point it doesn’t work. They don’t mean to be late. It’s time blindness. So when you lie it adds a few hours buffer and they tend to arrive on time. Without the buffer they simply don’t get motivated to see the time until after they’re late.

My ADHD friend basically explained that while I know I have to be somewhere at 4pm so check the travel time, 30 mins, so leave at 3.30pm, so get ready at 3pm and finish chores at 2.45 to shower. And then do all of that, she sees it as, OK be there at 4pm so I need to leave on time, at around 3.40 (every journey is 20 minutes to her no matter what and she forgets this isn’t true every time) and so she needs to get ready at 3pm, but her chores took longer and when she looked up it was 3.20 so she had to get ready in a panic and when she was ready she checked the time and it was already 4pm and she was late and then she went to leave and had to take the bin out and then noticed that her shoelace had snapped and then she couldn’t find the car keys, so then she left and it was 4.30 and the journey was actually 27 minutes and she couldn’t find parking and now…

Well now it’s 5pm and she’s an hour late. But she meant to be there on time and she planned everything to be there on time.

They'd eventually lose everything, jobs, relationships, their home, if they were continually late.

By 'they', you mean me. No, I made sure I had jobs that were flexible on times. And obviously didn't have relationships with people who are sticklers for timekeeping.

I think it’s fair enough tbh

It’s probably better to tell them straight, but I think telling the wrong start time probably works better with those who are “time blind” rather than doing it on purpose - those who want to be on time but chronically underestimate how long it will take to get somewhere.

Those doing it on purpose - ie who think their time is more important, are late because they don’t want to be the one waiting etc - will probably get pissed off with you and see it as “manipulation”. So you might as well confront them!

My friends know I have adhd and although I hate being late I very rarely make anything on time. If it’s time sensitive they tell me an earlier time or else they get on with things without me and I catch them up. Fortunately my job is flexitime so although I aim for 8.30 I rarely make it as misjudge how longs things will take me.

i get extremely overexcited if im not the last one to arrive.