I’ve been putting off posting this because I know how stepmothers get talked about on here but honestly I am at the end of my tether and DH is now not speaking to me so here goes.
I have a 2 year old DS with my husband and he has 3 boys from his previous marriage, 15, 13 and 8. They have recently come to live with us full time after living abroad with their mum for years. They used to see their dad mainly in the school holidays. I knew it would be a massive adjustment but I genuinely dont think DH realised how much would change having them here all the time.
Their mum has moved around a lot over the years, different countries, different schools etc. I am not saying she is a bad mum as I dont know the full story and I wasnt there, but from what the boys have told us they had pretty much unlimited screen time, could stay up watching things and eat in their rooms. Getting them off devices now is a battle every single day. DH says they have had enough upheaval and we need to be patient which I do understand but there still has to be some rules surely.
The older two are the worst for attitude. They have started at the local secondary and apparently think it is beneath them. DSS1 has said the other kids are thick and common and asked why he has to go to a school like this when he used to go to a much better one. DSS2 joins in with this sort of thing and they have both already been in trouble for being rude to teachers and disrupting lessons. We cannot afford private school for 3 children, not that I think they should get to look down on everyone else anyway.
At home they just seem to take whatever they want and expect everyone else to sort it out. Food, chargers, things out of my bag, it doesnt matter. If I say something I get told their dad lets them do it or that I am not their mum. DH says I need to stop turning everything into an argument and they are settling in.
The biggest issue at the moment is DSS3 and DS. The 8 year old is constantly snatching things from him. DS will be happily playing with a toy and DSS3 will just take it out of his hands, then laugh when he cries or run off with it. Yesterday he took his favourite little car while DS was playing with it and DS was absolutely sobbing. I told DSS3 to give it back and he started shouting that it was his house too and he could have what he wanted. I know he is only 8 but he is old enough to understand that you dont just grab things off a toddler and laugh at them.
DH came in and told me I was making a fuss over nothing. He said DS needs to learn to share and cannot expect to have everything to himself just because he is the baby. I said sharing is not the same as having things ripped out of your hands and that if DS was doing it to his brothers I would tell him off as well. DH said his boys have had a difficult childhood, have been dragged around different countries and missed having their dad around every day and I should have a bit more compassion.
I do have compassion. I know they have been through a lot and I am not expecting them to suddenly be perfectly behaved children. But apparently every single thing they do is because of their childhood and if I dare say anything I am the wicked stepmother. They can be really nasty to each other as well, pushing and hitting when they get wound up, and DH just calls it being boisterous boys. I have asked him what happens when school starts calling every week or one of them seriously hurts DS and he says I am being dramatic.
There is also a language thing because they have lived in different countries and sometimes switch languages between themselves. I dont mind that at all and I know they have had to adapt to different places, but sometimes DH uses that as another reason why I shouldnt question anything they do. I feel like I am expected to accept absolutely everything because their lives have been unsettled.
After yesterday I said to DH that he needs to actually parent them instead of defending everything they do. He said I knew he had children when I married him and that DS is needs to understand sharing anyway so why am I making it an issue. He has barely spoken to me since.
I dont want his boys sent away or made to feel unwanted, I really dont. But I am starting to dread being at home when they are all here and I feel awful even typing that. Am I being unreasonable to expect some basic manners and boundaries or do I need to accept that this is just how boys are and give them more time? And is DH right that our 2 year old needs to learn to share even when his brothers are taking things off him?