To think my DSS are completely out of control

[Emilyelite]

I’ve been putting off posting this because I know how stepmothers get talked about on here but honestly I am at the end of my tether and DH is now not speaking to me so here goes.

I have a 2 year old DS with my husband and he has 3 boys from his previous marriage, 15, 13 and 8. They have recently come to live with us full time after living abroad with their mum for years. They used to see their dad mainly in the school holidays. I knew it would be a massive adjustment but I genuinely dont think DH realised how much would change having them here all the time.

Their mum has moved around a lot over the years, different countries, different schools etc. I am not saying she is a bad mum as I dont know the full story and I wasnt there, but from what the boys have told us they had pretty much unlimited screen time, could stay up watching things and eat in their rooms. Getting them off devices now is a battle every single day. DH says they have had enough upheaval and we need to be patient which I do understand but there still has to be some rules surely.

The older two are the worst for attitude. They have started at the local secondary and apparently think it is beneath them. DSS1 has said the other kids are thick and common and asked why he has to go to a school like this when he used to go to a much better one. DSS2 joins in with this sort of thing and they have both already been in trouble for being rude to teachers and disrupting lessons. We cannot afford private school for 3 children, not that I think they should get to look down on everyone else anyway.

At home they just seem to take whatever they want and expect everyone else to sort it out. Food, chargers, things out of my bag, it doesnt matter. If I say something I get told their dad lets them do it or that I am not their mum. DH says I need to stop turning everything into an argument and they are settling in.

The biggest issue at the moment is DSS3 and DS. The 8 year old is constantly snatching things from him. DS will be happily playing with a toy and DSS3 will just take it out of his hands, then laugh when he cries or run off with it. Yesterday he took his favourite little car while DS was playing with it and DS was absolutely sobbing. I told DSS3 to give it back and he started shouting that it was his house too and he could have what he wanted. I know he is only 8 but he is old enough to understand that you dont just grab things off a toddler and laugh at them.

DH came in and told me I was making a fuss over nothing. He said DS needs to learn to share and cannot expect to have everything to himself just because he is the baby. I said sharing is not the same as having things ripped out of your hands and that if DS was doing it to his brothers I would tell him off as well. DH said his boys have had a difficult childhood, have been dragged around different countries and missed having their dad around every day and I should have a bit more compassion.

I do have compassion. I know they have been through a lot and I am not expecting them to suddenly be perfectly behaved children. But apparently every single thing they do is because of their childhood and if I dare say anything I am the wicked stepmother. They can be really nasty to each other as well, pushing and hitting when they get wound up, and DH just calls it being boisterous boys. I have asked him what happens when school starts calling every week or one of them seriously hurts DS and he says I am being dramatic.

There is also a language thing because they have lived in different countries and sometimes switch languages between themselves. I dont mind that at all and I know they have had to adapt to different places, but sometimes DH uses that as another reason why I shouldnt question anything they do. I feel like I am expected to accept absolutely everything because their lives have been unsettled.

After yesterday I said to DH that he needs to actually parent them instead of defending everything they do. He said I knew he had children when I married him and that DS is needs to understand sharing anyway so why am I making it an issue. He has barely spoken to me since.

I dont want his boys sent away or made to feel unwanted, I really dont. But I am starting to dread being at home when they are all here and I feel awful even typing that. Am I being unreasonable to expect some basic manners and boundaries or do I need to accept that this is just how boys are and give them more time? And is DH right that our 2 year old needs to learn to share even when his brothers are taking things off him?

This 👆
You've got another 10 years (minimum) of a situation which is only going to deteriorate, and a husband who seems determined not to actually parent his 3 older children. From what you say, I'd suggest cut your losses, raise your child how you want to, without having 3 (4 incl DH) 'variables' over whom you can exercise no control, and all choice has been taken from you.

I've got to ask the question @Emilyelite : What tale did you "D"H spin you about allowing his 3 eldest children to get - in his words - "dragged" from country to country whilst he stood by and did nothing about this? And why did you think allowing this useless man to father another child to get dragged into this absolute shit show was a good idea?

@Emilyelite your DH is failing his kids by not parenting them.

They need boundaries and rules. The fact he’s refusing to step up would have me out of the door with my little one.

This sounds hard for everyone involved. I would say it is going to take time but boundaries do need to be put in place. Have a chat with your husband on your own and come up with a few things that are most important to you that need to change. Sit down with the boys together and let them have some say too… for example you could set bedtime for 10 they say 11 you meet in the middle at 10.30 for example? screen time could remain unlimited up until a certain time of night as long as homework and chores are done etc? ask them rather than telling if they feel it is reasonable? if they dont try and find ways to compromise. Also with the 8 year old maybe you could chat to him and say ds really loves and looks up to you, do you think you could help me with him or something along those lines? just some ideas… may not work at all but worth a shot. Goodluck xx

If you had DH on your side then i would say you have a long struggle ahead with boundaries being pushed and enforced and i would ask if you were willing to do all the work that would entail.
You dont have DH on your side, you cant help them because he wont let you so life will just be more of the same until they are big enough to move out.

Its a horrible situation all round,as for you dh saying you knew he had kids, its a completely different situation from having them during holidays and going to living with them full time. Teens can be very intimidating as well.
I'd seriously be looking at my finances if I was in this situation and look at taking the 2 year old out of this situation.

These fellas all need parenting and boundaries, your child is 2yo and needs love and guidance. So there needs to be two very different styles of parenting which is probably not feasible. The older ones need stability and firm parenting from your DH.

Personally I would leave and, if possible, rent/own a two bedroom flat nearby for yourself and DS. DH can come over anytime with/without his DSs or you to his with your joint DCs. He can then give all his attention to his DSs and look after them as he sees fit. Your DC will be safe and secure. This is the only scenario from my point of view that will fit. That is the reality of you situation.

These kids are being failed by not having firm boundaries at home. Your husband is just kicking the can down the road, what happens when they are rude to the wrong person and get a punch to the face or worse in repercussion?
Your toddler should also be safe in his own home and the older boys shouldn't be able to do whatever they like.

If your OH won't parent them then I'd be considering leaving as this situation will only deteriorate. This is your home too.

My stepmum held firm boundaries with us growing up when we were at her and my dad's house as it was her home too... our dad made sure we respected her!

Another vote here to stop parenting them in the short term. Try not to be alone with them, definitely don’t leave your son alone with them. Lock your belongings in your bedroom. Don’t comment on what they eat, if they don’t want your evening meal, fine, leave them to it. Let them sit on screens all day if that is what DH wants. Don’t tidy their rooms up for them, ask DH to tell them to do it. If he tries to duck the responsibility point out you are not their parent to order them about and that is what they will say should you try to ask them directly as that is what has happened before and it has caused arguments which you are keen to avoid. So you will NOT be asking them and up to him if he wants them to live in squalor. Try not to tidy up their mess around the house either - as before, you can’t ask them as they reject your authority and DH does not back you up so you refuse. Hopefully DH will realise not backing you up and not parenting his children creates more work for him than trying to avoid it. If matters don’t improve after a few months, you might need to look at living separately for a time so he can focus on his boys and only be willing to return when you think your son is safe.

Nope. They don’t need counselling. They need to learn that the world doesn’t revolve around them and they need to have some respect and consideration for others. DH is enabling bullying behaviour. If I were OP I’d take the baby and leave until he steps up to his responsibilities and stops their disrespect.

I’d have to leave. I expect DH would come back grovelling once he’s doing it all alone and realises you were right.

👏👏👏👏👏.

Some posters appear to have had a compassion bypass. It’s very, very early days. It’s going to take a lot of hard work for you and your DH. As some of the comments on here testify, some women really would not be up for it.

Bloody hell this sounds like a nightmare, poor you, did you know these 3 kids may end up living with you full time when you married this man? Either way, I don't think you can live like this, i'd leave with your 3 year old ASAP. Good luck!

This.

The OP is trying to give them boundaries (that they trample over), encourage decent behaviour (that they laugh at and rail against) and making them healthy meals (that they won’t eat). What hard work is the DH doing? What was he doing while his kids were being “dragged” from country to country, school to school and being allowed to do what they want without rules?

Your dh sounds like a crap parent and I’d be telling him that. How does he think he’ll be parenting the child you share? The same way? Lazy parenting raising 4 boys who might be bullies. Great just what the girls who meet them will need.

I think you should stop parenting the older ones and start taking your child out of the situation until your husband steps up. Do you have family you can visit at weekends etc? It seems wildly unfair.

Please, whatever happened to proper discipline for children?

I don't have much advice other than pick your battles. For example you may as well accept that they will eat you out of house and home. It is fine to say that certain things are for meals and must be left alone but you need to have food available for when they are hungry between/after meals (and they will be).

I only have 1 DS but we get through a lot of cereal and leftovers rarely make it until the next day (unless I asked him to leave them). Pot noodles, yogurts and toast are also firm favourites. He will ask if he can have something if say there is only one of them. He wouldn't take the last iced coffee or posh yogurt without asking so he seems to have turned out ok even though I am very relaxed. He is 20 now and at uni and it has been a big adjustment food shopping for 1.

It sounds like

1. There needs to be family counseling - someone that will help you and DH and the boys to figure out a way forward
2. or the boys have therapy with DH
3. Get a playpen for the 2 year old. This can be a space where nothing is taken from him.
4. some family rules around swearing and physical violence.

Another vote for taking DS and getting out of there. Tell DH that when he's ready to be a parent, a discussion can be had as to what needs to happen. You're onto a closer here...

You knew he had 3 children, yes, but did you know that they would one day live with you on a permanent basis, no.

They do need to be with their dad, but do you?

For me personally I would not want that situation, a step-mother to 3 in addition to parenting my own, so I would leave with my child.

As others have said, you have a DH problem. Think about yourself and your son and build the life you want with him.

Yanbu at all. What a massive upheaval to your life and theirs. What are the circumstances that led to them coming to live with you? Did they want it? They do sound very arrogant and entitled. The bullying of your child is totally unacceptable. But they are kids ultimately and there isn’t much chance of them going anywhere so either your dh steps up and puts boundaries in place or i’m afraid you either have to move out with your ds or suck it up. You are in a shit position here having to live with this but also apparently not good enough to set rules for them. Sympathies.

Also no point of the ‘where was their dad when they were being moved about’ - we know nothing of the history and he is stepping up now. But he needs to actually parent not let them get away with murder just because they’ve had a difficult few years.

Well, your DH certainly sounds like father of the year. 🙄 He abdicated responsibility for raising the children from his first marriage when he must have known they were not being taken care of appropriately. And now he seems unwilling to step up and be a decent parent to them or his youngest child. What a prince.

Some of the issues you mention are fairly common when dealing with teenagers. Yes, they can have hollow legs and eat huge amounts. Yes, many kids take snacks to their rooms. Yes, many of them are glued to their devices.

You're not wrong to want to implement some house rules. But your DH really needs to be the one to enforce them.

Your description of your 2-year-old "absolutely sobbing" does sound OTT and melodramatic. Two-year-olds can sob because they were given the blue cup instead of the red cup (when they had specifically asked for the blue cup). It's not the end of the world that his brother grabbed a toy from him. Of course, the 8-year-old does need to learn to interact appropriately with a younger child and should be pulled up for snatching toys away. But I wouldn't blow that incident out of proportion.

If these boys have had a difficult childhood that included neglect and being dragged hither and yon, it's understandable that they are currently a bit out of control. They've just experienced yet another upheaval. They're no longer living with their mum (whatever her faults may be, she was a constant presence in their lives, unlike their dad). They're in yet another country. Their dad doesn't seem to understand how to be a parent. They probably sense your dislike of them. As I said, house rules are important. But there is so much more going on here, and these boys clearly need support and help, in addition to discipline.