To think my DSS are completely out of control

[Emilyelite]

I’ve been putting off posting this because I know how stepmothers get talked about on here but honestly I am at the end of my tether and DH is now not speaking to me so here goes.

I have a 2 year old DS with my husband and he has 3 boys from his previous marriage, 15, 13 and 8. They have recently come to live with us full time after living abroad with their mum for years. They used to see their dad mainly in the school holidays. I knew it would be a massive adjustment but I genuinely dont think DH realised how much would change having them here all the time.

Their mum has moved around a lot over the years, different countries, different schools etc. I am not saying she is a bad mum as I dont know the full story and I wasnt there, but from what the boys have told us they had pretty much unlimited screen time, could stay up watching things and eat in their rooms. Getting them off devices now is a battle every single day. DH says they have had enough upheaval and we need to be patient which I do understand but there still has to be some rules surely.

The older two are the worst for attitude. They have started at the local secondary and apparently think it is beneath them. DSS1 has said the other kids are thick and common and asked why he has to go to a school like this when he used to go to a much better one. DSS2 joins in with this sort of thing and they have both already been in trouble for being rude to teachers and disrupting lessons. We cannot afford private school for 3 children, not that I think they should get to look down on everyone else anyway.

At home they just seem to take whatever they want and expect everyone else to sort it out. Food, chargers, things out of my bag, it doesnt matter. If I say something I get told their dad lets them do it or that I am not their mum. DH says I need to stop turning everything into an argument and they are settling in.

The biggest issue at the moment is DSS3 and DS. The 8 year old is constantly snatching things from him. DS will be happily playing with a toy and DSS3 will just take it out of his hands, then laugh when he cries or run off with it. Yesterday he took his favourite little car while DS was playing with it and DS was absolutely sobbing. I told DSS3 to give it back and he started shouting that it was his house too and he could have what he wanted. I know he is only 8 but he is old enough to understand that you dont just grab things off a toddler and laugh at them.

DH came in and told me I was making a fuss over nothing. He said DS needs to learn to share and cannot expect to have everything to himself just because he is the baby. I said sharing is not the same as having things ripped out of your hands and that if DS was doing it to his brothers I would tell him off as well. DH said his boys have had a difficult childhood, have been dragged around different countries and missed having their dad around every day and I should have a bit more compassion.

I do have compassion. I know they have been through a lot and I am not expecting them to suddenly be perfectly behaved children. But apparently every single thing they do is because of their childhood and if I dare say anything I am the wicked stepmother. They can be really nasty to each other as well, pushing and hitting when they get wound up, and DH just calls it being boisterous boys. I have asked him what happens when school starts calling every week or one of them seriously hurts DS and he says I am being dramatic.

There is also a language thing because they have lived in different countries and sometimes switch languages between themselves. I dont mind that at all and I know they have had to adapt to different places, but sometimes DH uses that as another reason why I shouldnt question anything they do. I feel like I am expected to accept absolutely everything because their lives have been unsettled.

After yesterday I said to DH that he needs to actually parent them instead of defending everything they do. He said I knew he had children when I married him and that DS is needs to understand sharing anyway so why am I making it an issue. He has barely spoken to me since.

I dont want his boys sent away or made to feel unwanted, I really dont. But I am starting to dread being at home when they are all here and I feel awful even typing that. Am I being unreasonable to expect some basic manners and boundaries or do I need to accept that this is just how boys are and give them more time? And is DH right that our 2 year old needs to learn to share even when his brothers are taking things off him?

Agree @Emilyelite sure, Rome wasn’t built in a day but they can’t just have zero telling off or consequences. They will be feeling insecure under the anger and they need boundaries to feel safe. DH is wrong.

Solidarity OP. My DSD has come to live with us in very difficult, similar circumstances after being dragged about overseas and it’s the hardest thing I have ever done. We have a 3 yo. I cannot imagine the challenge with 3 children. How long have they been with you? DSD came in July and since then it’s been a battle getting a grip on things like screens, eating, bed time, backchat - again no boundaries from mum and a lot of instability and trauma contributing. I have just started having counselling and one thing my counsellor suggested that I liked was working on one thing at a time. So at the moment we are dealing with going to bed at a reasonable time and getting up on time for school. Focussing on the one thing means that the whole day isn’t a constant battle because we let other things slide a little more. Not that we are not enforcing rules around other things but we are not pushing hard to make sure she toes the line on everything, we are conserving the energy for bedtimes. This has been good because everything is easier when she isn’t tired.

my DH has also been annoying for a lot of the time and it got to the point where I told him we either work as a team and he parents like an adult or we split up. He doesn’t want to split up so we have been a bit better recently. He is also seeing that leniency because he feels guilty about her awful experiences is not in her best interests.

This is a desperately tough situation, so finding time for yourself and ways to acknowledge how hard it is is vital. Make sure you have a space to retreat to in the house, have one to one time with your own DS and also that your DH is doing the lion’s share of the additional domestic work. I’ve really found the sounding board of counselling helpful so I also recommend that. Good luck. X

This. There have been a couple of similar threads recently where eg the children run riot eating spaghetti with their hands etc whilst their father ignores the behaviour. You are together on the behaviour or you are on your own. If the latter you should quit now because the situation won't get better

100%

Why does your DH think schools have rules? And sports clubs, kids clubs, the scouts and the brownies ?There'd be chaos otherwise and that’s what your lives and these boys lives will descend into.

Draw up a list of rules —- keep it to the bare minimum. No taking anything from anyone without permission is one.
I used to teach children who mostly came from chaotic backgrounds and I had a two warnings and you’re out rule.
( worked well) Give them the same. Two warnings and then they sit on a chair with nothing to occupy them for a length of time of your choosing ( make sure they know it and it’s realistic )

Tell DH to get off his arse and parent his children , not just make excuses.

Also @Emilyelite if DH doesn’t stand up to them, it will be endless years of this. If he doesn’t shape up and get a grip, I’d be shipping out.

OP, can you move out?
This is never going to work.
Taking on the parenting of 3 children that are not yours with a lazy, selfish, weak husband is only ever going to be a nightmare.
You are not likely going to have more children surely?
So you are destroying these years with your only child trying to manage these other children.

Have you family to go to?
Pack your bags and take a break.
Save yourself the heartache and stress, get out now.
Save yourself and your child.
The alternative is being used as a skivvy for his children.

@Emilyelite

After yesterday I said to DH that he needs to actually parent them instead of defending everything they do. He said I knew he had children when I married him and that DS is needs to understand sharing anyway so why am I making it an issue. He has barely spoken to me since.

This my love tell you everything to need to know

Im step mum, ifve been through it all and unless DH is on the same page as you - run now

My Dh, after 30 years will still not hear a word againts his children , nor question how his grandkids are being brought up

You know its not right, you just need to know how much are you willing to put in, whilst he it "oblivious "

It's never easy being a sep mum because daddy is so busy making uo to them. you come last

I have no advice but I absolutely would not be putting up with the 8year old taking things from the toddler. It's not sharing it's just nasty. I'd struggle to not snatch things back, nasty little shit. I understand it's a big change for them but not having discipline will not do them any favours.

Your DH is a spineless twat. They need boundaries and consistency and he is giving them neither. It doesn’t sound like your DH is going to step up and actually parent his kids, therefore you either accept this is how it is, or don’t. Your DS is going to grow up thinking this is all acceptable behaviour if this continues.
I have four boys (20,16,10, 2) and the whole boys rough and tumble thing being acceptable is actually absolute bollocks. Mine are far from perfect, but they are all kind, caring and sensible boys, except the toddler, he can be feral at times. I’d be absolutely livid if my 10 year snatched a toy from his younger sibling and stood there laughing as he sobbed. That’s really bloody spiteful.

How are you making a 15 year old lad sit on a chair for time out? He's likely bigger than the OP?

Could DH be feeling a lot of guilt and remorse
for missing so much of their childhood. I don’t agree with his hands off parenting but i do understand it.

Could you and DH sit together and come up with some rules/boundaries/treats. Create communal charger baskets and snack boxes for after school?

Any change takes time, sounds like you are in the storming phase. Things will ease over time. Do they have contact with mum, could you all talk together? Do they know when they will next see her?

How utterly horrible for your little one. It may be your collective home, but there needs to be boundaries. These are HIS children, so HE needs to step up and set them. If he can't or won't do that, then I don't think I would be staying.

How long are you going to put up with your husband joining in with the abuse of both your son and you?

Ignore those basically saying you should not be involved with the boys and leave it to your husband. You can't live with three children and have nothing to do with them. You either have to work together, or split up.

Hi op. I really feel for you. You sound like a lovely person trying to do the right thing.
I have to say that your dh is a problem. He is not protecting you or your joint son and he is not setting boundaries for your SS.
It is not your job to parent these boys and I feel that it will backfire on you if you try. Considering the upset in your SS lives, I think it better that your dh parents them alone and you and your son move elsewhere for the present at least. If you stay this is going to make life worse for these boys. They need their father to step up. Your son is also going to suffer immeasurably, growing up in a chaotic house with damaged siblings. I would not put my child through that.

I don't use this word often, but it's gaslighting to say that it's ok to let an 8 year old snatch from a 2 year old because it will teach the 2 year old to share. It won't, it will teach him to snatch. We teach children to share by encouraging them to share something low value and then praising them if they do, modelling sharing ourselves and playing things like turn taking games. We teach children they don't always have to share everything all the time and their feelings matter by not allowing other children to snatch from them. Preschools and schools don't allow snatching either.

First post nails it. You have a Disney Dad DH problem.

All children need boundaries so he’s doing them no favours in letting them be rude and selfish. Tell him you need to work as a team and he needs to support you.

Start with basics on screen time, bed time and all the nonsense about ‘you’re not my mum/my dad lets me’. And zero tolerance on being mean to your toddler and taking things from your bag.

In your situation I would leave with your son, not forever but enough to let your dh become a proper resident parent and try and stabilise the situation. The boys have obviously been through a lot and their whole life has been upended. I can only imagine how hard this had been for the 3 boys (and you all). I have a teen and I know they would be beside themselves if they had to leave a parent, home country, different language and culture, school, friends and hobbies. I don’t think you’re going to be able to solve this. Your dh needs to.

Teens are hard work. Teen uprooted even more so.
I would look for some external support

I'm gobsmacked that he thinks a 2yo is capable of understanding the concept of sharing. He might have three previous sons, but he's only just become a parent really.

DH should be the one putting all the boundaries in and enforcing them, rather than making you look bad. DH sounds quite emotionally immature and is clearly trying to make up for all the lost time by just saying yes to every whim.

I think unfortunately it's something you'll need to nip in the bud quick, and DH will need to be on side. Sounds like he can't seem to think ahead of what the consequences will be if he let's these things go, which must be very frustrating.

I did laugh a bit when I read that DH said his kids had a hard childhood because they were taken all over the place and missed having their dad around, as though this just happened to them rather than him having any sort of self reflection that he has caused that insecurity in the kids.

If he wants to make the kids feel secure and settled, he needs to give them firm boundaries and stick to it.

It would be very foolish of the op to expect that given he’s has out on full display since the day they met, that he is a completely crap parent, who was never ever going to parent any of his children regardless of which women bore them. I mean - would any of you just sit back whilst your ex took your kids to live in another country?!? Of course a parent like this will sit back whilst one of his children bullies a younger one - he can’t be arsed to deal with that,

Does your DH do his fair share of childcare? Or are you expected to do 90% of the work for his children - cooking, cleaning their rooms, washing their clothes, shopping for their needs? Are you expected to drive them around to school and clubs? Or are you his convenient nanny/cleaner/cook/bedmate?

I'd be sitting down with him and drawing a very firm line in the sand. Either he steps up and does some parenting/gives his kids some house rules/gets them into therapy, or he's looking at the end of his marriage, because why should you and your DS have to be miserable in your own home? Yes, you can feel sorry for the huge upheaval his boys have been through, but you don't have to spend the next 10+ years dreading going home to your own house.

Also you need to protect your DS and your personal possessions. Get somewhere lockable to put your purse/gadgets/personal stuff you don't want to disappear. Insist there are sanctions for theft of your personal stuff/hurting your toddler.

I'm afraid if your DH is adamant that he's not going to protect your DS or give his sons any boundaries, if he doesn't have your back, then you and DS might be far happier living somewhere else. Even if you only leave temporarily to stay with family, see how your DH likes having to parent his sons solo!

So you knew what kind of parent he was when you had a child with him, why would he change now?

Your DH is creating a situation that will never be resolved, what awful behaviour they have.

They're spoilt and rude. They're behaving like entitled AHs and asking to share a toy with a baby is one thing, bullying the baby is another.

Like you, I absolutely would not put up with it.

Their father is gaslighting you and sounds just like them.

Id be thinking about where I want to live with my baby, but that's me, I don't put up with shit. 😁

I therefore don't have any good advice, but am here for solidarity.

Me too. I'd run