Honeymoon and childcare

[FailingToSleep]

DS got married last month and she and her husband are due to go away on their honeymoon on Tuesday for a week. They have 2 children who were going to be looked after by their grandparents (husbands parents) when they were away. Her husband’s dad has had an accident on Friday and is in hospital. He is ok but they won’t be able to look after the children. His parents have told them to go ahead with the honeymoon if they can find alternative childcare.

We have been asked to look after the children when they go away but we’ve had to say no to weekdays due to work. We both work full time and although I could probably get the time off, the short notice wouldn’t look good. I have important meetings that would have to be rearranged and it would mean I’d have to cancel other leave that I had plans for with my husband and children. Annual leave takes a lot of planning and it’s usually booked months ahead.

We have said we will look after the children over the weekend as we are not working but they’ll need to find someone else for the weekdays. AIBU? I feel sorry that she’ll miss her honeymoon but I have work. DS is saying it’s an emergency situation so we should help her.

I think the point is while it’s an unfortunate situation it isn’t one that should require family members treating it as an emergency. If you choose to get married after having children I would imagine a lot of people would take their kids on a honeymoon with them, or just skip it all together, it isn’t obligatory.

Yes, I would think so, they should definitely try.

I think you have offered as much as you can. Does she want you to lose your job over it?
I'm sure if it was a genuinely emergency you would help her.

And a holiday is exactly what it is. It's not a honeymoon.

I don't begrudge anyone a child free holiday but unfortunately when you have kids, things happen and plans sometimes get cancelled. They can't just pretend they're newlyweds with no kids for a week.

Well, in that case, you’ve done all you can. It’s reasonable to help but it’s unreasonable for her to expect you to take time off work for it.

Absolutely.

Well yes. Or get a babysitter to cover the period between after school club ending and the OP getting home from work, which is likely to be significantly cheaper!

Same

With such young children, one presumably just having started school at 4 it was always pretty risky going away without them for a week, if they’d got ill the grandparents might not have felt comfortable having them so long. Is she really suggesting you take the whole week off and that’s the only option? Has she tried to add the children to the booking or tried to move the dates to a better time? It’s her emergency not yours but it’s not clear how flexible she (and her husband) are being about possible solutions.

They can just bring their children with them ? Or just go for a weekend away.
It’s not an emergency situation. The honeymoon period in a relationship is before all the children arrive.

They have two children together! It’s not exactly a honeymoon, it’s an adults only holiday. Their childcare has fallen through, so either they take the children with them or they cancel, or postpone.

Yanbu, you have work commitments.

Have children before getting married, then deal with the complications of childcare for your honeymoon. There’s not really any such thing as a honeymoon when you’re already knee deep in family life anyway.

This is what travel insurance is for. I'm assuming they have it. So they need to claim on that to move the honeymoon booking to a later date. It's not for you to suck up the wider costs (work disruption, time) of this when they have insurance.

It's "them" problem not a "you" problem.

I doubt any travel insurance covers childcare arrangements falling through!

The children are very young so should be easy enough to add them to the booking - they'll sleep in the parents room Yes it means that they won't have the childfree romantic time that they had hoped for, but this is what happens when you have children. Couldn't MIL look after them without FiL help?

To expect you to go to your employer and say 'I need next week off to look after my niece/nephews, so my sister can go off on honeymoon. The childcare that was in place has fallen through', and expect it to be granted is ridiculous. Most employers might look to see if it's feasible but if you have important meetings/deadlines etc, it's likely to be a No!

Your sister needs to postpone her honeymoon or take the children with her. I'm afraid when you're a parent, regardless of the situation, your children have to come first. That's the reality of being parent.

OP this isn’t your problem to solve so don’t be guilt tripped. You have a job that presumably you need to pay your bills.
A lot of posters seem to think that it’s relatively easy to get time off at short notice despite the OP saying that she has work commitments. She is allowed to have work commitments for possibly a career that she has worked hard for.
Also we don’t know what kind of role she is in, I am sure people would be unhappy if their child’s teacher didn’t turn up next week because she was looking after her sister’s kids so that she could have a honeymoon. Or perhaps your doctor isn’t in, or your elderly parents care worker.
It is ok for a woman to have work commitments and not be responsible for sorting out her sister’s problem.

Tell DSIS you can’t get the time off work and she needs to arrange childcare or take the children with her.

I would be very reluctant to agree to have them the first weekend they are away on the promise other childcare would be taking over.

XSIL pulled that stunt on me and guess what, the person taking over (a friend I had never heard of and probably didn’t exist) fell ill so I was lumbered.

It’s a holiday, not an emergency.

Honeymoon is an old fashioned term for when you were young and got married and this was your first proper holiday as a young couple. It’s all a bit of nonsense these days when folks already have kids and houses.

They need to cancel the holiday and prioritise going away with their own kids from now on.

The problem with this sort of favour is that the OP and her husband are likely to be using up their goodwill from their employers for their own children. It is going to be a real challenge to expect more flexibility for the sister’s holiday.

See this is why you first get married and then have children! 😂 I know, I sound old fashioned but this is so silly. If you can have a child with someone then that is the biggest commitment. Why people have multiple kids and then get married is beyond me!!
Tell your sister to make her own arrangements. After so many years of being together and having two kids already it isn’t a honeymoon, just a family holiday!

I think you've been very flexible here.

My advice is not to try to solve it any further or in her mind you will become the blocker because she has one ideal solution in her head, which is you taking the week off, and that isn't going to happen, so any other suggestions from you, like a nanny, will be framed by her as you making it difficult.

You've made an offer, leave her to decide whether to take it up.

I would do whatever I could to help my Dsis in this situation. I WFH and have a very flexible employer so it wouldn't usually be a problem for me. But if you can't, you can't.

It sounds as if you've offered overnight care so if she can find someone to look after them between school and you getting home from work then that could work. That's on her to sort out.

They should take the children. It’s not like they’re two young sweethearts in their first throes of romance.

Get real. Take the kids and have a nice holiday and stop making the children somebody else’s problem.