To think they could have/should have brought something

[BurnoutGP]

I am in hospital after major (planned surgery). DD1 age 25 will be looking after me (she lives at home for a small rent that cover everything). She has had to take some time off work (unpaid).
I am fiercely independent and have brought in my own squash/snacks etc. The 2 other people in my room have had visitors all day bringing lovely fresh fruit/sweets/drinks etc. DD1 visited this evening bringing my stepmother (very close ben in my life since I was 14. Father died few years ago)
They came empty handed. There is a lovely M+S in the concourse of the hospital they would have walked past it when they came in. But hey ho. Except DD1 started on my bag of snacks eating 2 without even asking. So I very sarcastically told them off and said not only did you not bring me even a M+S fruit snack you're now eating the snacks I bought in. Im pretty immobile.
They then said oh do you want us to go get you something. I said well it really defeats the purposes if you have to be told. And it would have been almost closed.
AIBU to be hurt and disappointed and a spoilt brat
IANBU they should have brought something.
DD1 is usually pretty good but can be a bit self absorbed and they are very used to me being super capable and doing everything. I am now a bit worried what her "looking after" is going to look like....

If you wanted them to bring something in you should have asked.

My mum has had several ops over the last few years. She always gives me a list for when I visit. I wouldn't take food in just because.

It sounds like they asked and you said no. You should have told them what you wanted at that point.

Yes this, I think you blew this up into something it didn't need to be (although I appreciate you're probably tired and in pain and both of those things make me grumpy). Next time your daughter visits ask her to bring x and y with them or for them to nip down to the shop. I'd probably have not brought anything in if not asked (but also probably not started eating your stash of food either).

If you're worried what being looked after is going to look like, you'll have to start communicating.

I asked for some cold squash and my pillow. You dont ask for treats or gifts. It just felt quite stark compared to the other visitors. And maybe that reflects me not having a partner and depending on my child (albeit) and adult to look after me.
But I wouldn't say please bring my some nice treats as a gift to cheer me up ?

Maybe being fiercely independent all the time means people don’t realise when you need help. Your daughter may have learned from you that you’re always capable of managing everything yourself and struggle to recognise when you need someone to step in.

You only wanted it because you saw the other patients with it. Think you might need to grow up a bit OP.

Of course you can ask them to bring you food and drinks, and any other bits you might need.

You yourself use the phrase ’fiercely independent’ and then get arsey that they didn’t bring you anything.

Plus you already seem to be complaining about the level of care your daughter will
provide … before you have even given her a chance.

Yes YABU. I bet she is so glad she has taken unpaid leave for the pleasure.

I didn't "need" anything. So i didn't ask other than the squash and pillow. This was more the "treats and love". It just felt thoughtless especially when clearly the partners and family of the other patients thought to bring treats. I would always treat them.

I'd ask for exactly what I want.
Maybe 2 other people in the room done same.
How is everyone even supposed to know what you want or are allowed after a major surgery?

I would always call or text beforehand to ask what the patient needs first, or I would text and ask my loved ones to bring me what I need.
Gone are the days when you used to bring the obligatory grapes in a brown bag.
I wouldn't just turn up with a bag o' snacks, no, sorry to disappoint, op
Hope you feel better soon 🌹🍏xx

I wouldn’t take food into a hospital visit if I hadn’t been asked - and you have brought your own snacks and squash anyway. If you’re immobile then presumably you saw her going for the snacks so why not say something before she had two. I think you’re being dramatic for dramatic sake.

Not even the "wanting it" but the wanting someone to care/think enough to do it without being asked/told

When my dad was in hospital, most of the things people randomly brought him went to waste.

He used to try to palm it off on me and my DC 😁

I don't you're being unreasonable at all. It was commonplace once to take flowers, a get well soon card, a couple of magazines, a bottle of squash and a bunch of grapes when hospital visiting!

Your daughter isn't a mind reader and you're unreasonable to be butthurt about that. If you wanted her to bring something, you should have said so. It was fine to stop her eating your snacks, you should have asked her to replace what she ate.

Clear communication is the way to go here.

I hope you feel better soon.

I wasn't being dramatic. I dont really do dramatic. She'd eaten 2 before I had a chance to say anything and then I said dont eat anymore you couldn't even bother to bring me anything. No dramatics.

Honestly, until recently I’d had no experience of visiting people in hospital or being in hospital. It wouldn’t have crossed my mind before to bring a treat or a gift. And I always bring something for my host if I’m visiting them at home. I’m nearly 40. I would now, knowing what I now know about hospital catering and general ward atmosphere.

Your dd taking unpaid leave from work to look after you doesn’t demonstrate love?

You're not unreasonable for having feelings that they didn't bring anything, particularly because you're clearly in a difficult situation and have seen what others have been brought, but what should have been a 'oh that would/would have been nice' turned into a 'they should have brought me something'. Sometimes things just don't occur to people for whatever reason, likely in this case because they know and are used to how independant you are, this isnt necesarrily a lack of care, they were showing up in person, it may genuinely not have occured to them that you needed more than that.

YABU for the snarky comment. You wanted something, and then shot yourself in the foot because you were upset and trying to make them feel bad, it's not like they didn't bring you something to intentionally hurt you.

Do you know how much that lot would cost in M&S?! She’s already taking unpaid leave to look after the OP!

When my db ended up in hospital he asked me to bring stuff to him. I then I asked if he needed xyz? Then when I got to the hospital asked him if he wanted a Costa hot drink.
It’s a bit give and take, make sure if they’re popping in add an order in. If you don’t ask, you don’t get!

Other than flowers not really being allowed in a lot of wards anymore, if all your visitors brought you that you'd end up with a large probably unused pile by your bed.

Considering your twenty something daughter is taking time off work unpaid to look after you, I'd let this one go and count your blessings.