To think they could have/should have brought something

[BurnoutGP]

I am in hospital after major (planned surgery). DD1 age 25 will be looking after me (she lives at home for a small rent that cover everything). She has had to take some time off work (unpaid).
I am fiercely independent and have brought in my own squash/snacks etc. The 2 other people in my room have had visitors all day bringing lovely fresh fruit/sweets/drinks etc. DD1 visited this evening bringing my stepmother (very close ben in my life since I was 14. Father died few years ago)
They came empty handed. There is a lovely M+S in the concourse of the hospital they would have walked past it when they came in. But hey ho. Except DD1 started on my bag of snacks eating 2 without even asking. So I very sarcastically told them off and said not only did you not bring me even a M+S fruit snack you're now eating the snacks I bought in. Im pretty immobile.
They then said oh do you want us to go get you something. I said well it really defeats the purposes if you have to be told. And it would have been almost closed.
AIBU to be hurt and disappointed and a spoilt brat
IANBU they should have brought something.
DD1 is usually pretty good but can be a bit self absorbed and they are very used to me being super capable and doing everything. I am now a bit worried what her "looking after" is going to look like....

I’m pretty old and my mum is in her 80’s, a year ago she was in hospital after surgery for 3 weeks (she had complications) mum needed a lot of help and the care she received was frankly not great. My sister and I alternated days one or other of us was in all day with her, so no lack of care and love shown. I never took in anything unless she asked for it, before I left each time I would ask if she wanted anything brought it next time. Mainly what she wanted was juice and clean nighties and pants and her washing taken away, she pretty much had no appetite while lying doing nothing and even when she asked for a specific treat she ended up not eating it. She also got moved wards twice so too much stuff would have been a nuisance.
Maybe your visitors were waiting g for you to ask for something specific before bringing something in.

She did say oh well the biggest fruit and cheese platter when youre home so hopefully she realised I do need looking after not just practically but emotionally

i wonder if any of the others on the ward have children taking unpaid time off work to look after them? That’s far more helpful and considerate than some grapes. A

Yes, I discovered that on arrival. My aunt took it home with her. He enjoyed the biscuits and made use of his new pjs though. So 2 out of 3 isn’t bad.

Get well soon x

Ask for what you want imo

She’s also taking unpaid time off work to look after the OP. I’d rather that than a ‘treat’.

I was recently in hospital for 2 weeks and my priority was ensuring my kids age 15 and 20 weren’t overly concerned!
i don’t think cards or anything material really mattes tbh if I needed something and asked I know they would have brought. Is there a deeper issue with your relationship ? I hope your recovering well xxx

I think you’re being a little unfair to your daughter as well. Gift giving isn’t a required skill for a carer and she offered to help as soon as she thought you needed more snacks.

If you’re going to be immobile for a while, direct communication and giving her benefit of doubt will probably make it much easier for you both.

Do you think this is just about the gift or could there be more to it? I have surgery regularly and always feel really vulnerable afterwards which sometimes comes out in funny ways.

Edit: sorry @noctilucentcloud - I didn’t mean to quote you and I’m not sure how to undo it!

I’m sure she’ll do great. You just may need to train her up a little. Don’t just assume she knows everything you need and when. Tell her.

Of course you’re not being unreasonable. You’re not a stranger….they should be able to pick up a couple of things they know you’d like….you don’t have to need it.

I remember my mother had a hysterectomy and wasn’t enjoying the hospital food. I brought her in an M&S sandwich, slice of cheesecake and a bottle of proper lemonade. Twenty years later she still remembers it lol. When my dad was in last year I brought him in shacks I knew he’d like. It’s normal.

Does that go with identifying as 'fiercely independent'?

I would never go to visit someone in hospital empty handed.

You are sounding quite unreasonable. I except that you may be suffering from the after effects of the operation. Our children do not owe us anything for bringing them up. We choose to have children and part of the deal is we bring them up. We didn’t charge either of our children to live at home when they started working. You seen to think that it is women’s work to look after an ill parent. I don’t agree with this.
Your daughter has put herself out. She has come to see you. She has bought you a visitor. She is taking unpaid leave from work. When my husband visited me in hospital, he didn’t bring anything so I sent him down to the shop.
You just want ‘gifts’ because other people have them.

What do you mean?

Why do people expect other people to be mind readers?

If you want something ask for it, don't just sit there and get annoyed that no-one has bought anything for you.

How would they know what you wanted?

Good lord, the replies on this thread. I don’t know when people became so mean and ungenerous. Maybe it’s related to Covid or the cost of living.
anyway, I don’t think you’re being unreasonable OP. Maybe, like me, you’re just looking back to the time when it would have been unheard of to visit someone in hospital without bringing something.

I think we hear enough about the state of hospital food to understand that it’s nice to take snacks to a loved-one in hospital, unless you’re completely selfish. I don’t think you’re being unreasonable. I always take a bit of a picnic for relatives when they’re in.

She's in hospital! Her daughter surely knows what her DM likes and her comforts.
The replys to OP are peak MN on a Saturday night, contrary for no reason.

After major surgery I would assume you wouldn’t have much of an appetite, so I probably wouldn’t have thought to bring any
snacks either!

Erm I had only them. 2 all day. For an hour. Where are the lots of visitors? I have been sat on my own all day on my phone while the OTHER 2 patients had a constant flow of visitors bringing food and drinks. So yes by the time MY 2 VISITORS came I was probably feeling a bit sorry for myself. Sorry if you think that makes me precious? WTAF

Oooh, that sounds bitter OP.

I hope you feel better tomorrow and your resentment subsides in time for when you get home and spend all that time with your daughter.

I'm not unsympathetic to your position though, because I love taking thoughtful presents and treats to friends and loved ones in hospital, but I do think pp make a good point about communicating better. Would you say you're a bit "buttoned up"?

It is the actual visit that counts. That shows caring. There are lots of people in hospital that don’t get visitors.