To think they could have/should have brought something

[BurnoutGP]

I am in hospital after major (planned surgery). DD1 age 25 will be looking after me (she lives at home for a small rent that cover everything). She has had to take some time off work (unpaid).
I am fiercely independent and have brought in my own squash/snacks etc. The 2 other people in my room have had visitors all day bringing lovely fresh fruit/sweets/drinks etc. DD1 visited this evening bringing my stepmother (very close ben in my life since I was 14. Father died few years ago)
They came empty handed. There is a lovely M+S in the concourse of the hospital they would have walked past it when they came in. But hey ho. Except DD1 started on my bag of snacks eating 2 without even asking. So I very sarcastically told them off and said not only did you not bring me even a M+S fruit snack you're now eating the snacks I bought in. Im pretty immobile.
They then said oh do you want us to go get you something. I said well it really defeats the purposes if you have to be told. And it would have been almost closed.
AIBU to be hurt and disappointed and a spoilt brat
IANBU they should have brought something.
DD1 is usually pretty good but can be a bit self absorbed and they are very used to me being super capable and doing everything. I am now a bit worried what her "looking after" is going to look like....

Rude to eat your snacks but no I woukdnt have brought anything with me unless you asked.

My family need everything spelling out in words of one syllable hints( including Xmas and birthdays ) are a waste of breath I gave up getting hurt by it years ago ( but they are all male ) . Not that that should make any difference

I hope you’re not too uncomfortable and get home very soon. I cannot imagine not taking something nice to someone I know in hospital, it’s inconceivable. I don’t know why you’re getting such twatty comments on here. You’re not being precious, bratty or a princess. You want and deserve a bit of cherishing and that’s perfectly reasonable.

I understand why you're disappointed. Your DD is used to you being in the capable role, so it was a bit thoughtless.
But re your stepmum - how many times on MN have we had people asking for suggestions of nice things to take someone in hospital (and they've got some good suggestions)? - I'm surprised she didn't bother, it was poor behaviour.

Really? fuck me you lot are a nasty bunch. Im day 2 following major surgery. Im bloody glad im not your mother.

So? Yes she’s getting a visit, she’d also like bloody grapes or a similar token of affection. Perfectly reasonable.

You say you’re fiercely independent. You say you don’t do dramatic.

I suggest you have a bit of a think and a look in the mirror.

I’ve visited my mother in hospital on many occasions - I would ALWAYS bring something, and would nip to the shop to get anything she wanted. What on earth were they thinking turning up with one arm as long as the other, then your DD eating your snacks??

I also don’t think this is ok, your daughter is taking time off work for you and you are pissed off she didn’t buy you treats to show just how much she cares as you don’t have a partner ?

Such a drama! Why did you not ask them to bring you something?

Agree with this. I would never visit someone in hospital or ill at home without a little something, like sweeties or a little easily eaten fruit or a magazine. It’s not so much the ‘gift’, it’s the thought behind it.
Have some virtual flowers, Op,💐 and best wishes for speedy recovery.

I think some posters are being a bit harsh!!

it’s hard to see other people getting lots of visitors and bringing gifts. When you feel rubbish you also feel vulnerable and things like this can feel stronger too.

if it were my mum I’d be bringing a book, some chocolate and maybe some snuggly socks as I know hospital air con can be a bit uncomfy. I’d want her to be comfortable so maybe some clean clothes. Depends how long she’ll be in. Maybe a magazine. My kids would probably make some wonderful(!) art too to cheer her up!!

it’s great that she will be looking after you - but a box of chocs would have been nice.

I hope you get well soon

Just read a few more posts in the thread - bloody hell what is wrong with PPs tonight?? The OP has just had major surgery - a bit of compassion wouldn’t cost you anything!

OP, I hope your recovery goes well and your DD takes great care of you - I’m sure she will. I’d love to pop round with the newspaper and all your favourite snacks, hospital is rough!

How would your daughter know the etiquette if you never taught her?

they should have thought to ask what you wanted, and you should say if you want something. I can imagine it feels a bigger deal than usual because you’re concerned about your vulnerability . People will be used to you saying what you need/sorting yourself if that’s your usual modus operandi

OP, I get why you are upset - you have just had major surgery, and from your user name it looks like you give a lot to others and maybe don't always fill your own cup? My experience in life is that we usually have to ask to get exactly what we need - it would be great if other people were mind-readers and could anticipate our needs, but they usually aren't! That's particularly true if you are usually very independent. Please let yourself ask your daughter for what you need during your recovery - that will make her job easier and more enjoyable too. Get well soon.

I was thinking "that's the spirit OP" until your "selfish and needy" bit.

Do you view people who require assistance as selfish and needy? Do you think others will judge you because actually you judge them?

That's such a shame for everyone concerned including you.

It actually sounds as though you resent your daughter for all your years of childrearing, which is really not cool.

Oh I completely understand why you would feel this way. You didn’t want to have to ask, you wanted to feel a tiny bit spoiled and looked after during a stressful time.
Actually, taking unpaid leave to look after a relative is giving them a gift, if you look at it a certain way. Probably a more generous one than the flowers from m and s. Not that you shouldn’t have both, but if you’re looking at the others in your room and feeling like they’re more loved, then I guess it might help to remember that your DD is giving you something lovely, just not something that can be seen.
Of course you deserve the treats too, but I think this has been miscommunication rather than anyone being rubbish. Next time they come and ask if you want anything, you could ask for a little surprise to cheer you up, so you do get something like that?

Did you even read my later posts? Jeez the hideous meanness on here. I forget when I havent posted for a while. Take your little 2 parent privileged house hold and try and support it on one income with a child at uni in the most expensive city in the UK. I am charging her a token amount which barely covers the increase on losing the single person council tax reduction. And really just to give her some self worth and independence. But bully for you. I hope that post made you feel big and clever.

I do think you may need to rest and see how you feel tomorrow X hopefully you feel better, your family turned up and are there for you, just cause they didn't bring stuff doesn't mean they don't care, hope you are better soon 😀

god you sound like you really begrudge having looked after your daughter- it's not her fault you did it on your own- it's not her fault you don't have a partner now. She's taking unpaid leave to look after you. You're going to drive her away at this rate.
Stop being entitled, remember you're "fiercely independent"

They came to visit you, that's the best gift. I'd understanding being disappointed if they didn't come visit but do think you need to ask if you want anything specific brought in for you. People aren't mind readers.

I totally understand you want some looking after and hope things are better once you get home.

Im gonna bow out and try and get some sleep.
I forget how utterly ruthless AIBU can be.
The nice or even sensible posts are making me teary and the mean ones are just making me cross.
Theyve just done my obs and my HR is the highest its been in 2 days cant tell them its beacause people are being c**ts on the Internet.
I have a great relationship with DD. I love how people extrapolate absolute rubbish from a single post.

Maybe they thought you didn’t need anything because you’re already brought in your own snacks?

Well, I didn’t read a couple of your posts as they appeared while I was writing mine. Yes, I am sure it was hard for you. My sister was a single parent but she never thought that her child owed her for bringing them up. This is the feeling I got when you said your daughter has been compensated for taking unpaid leave. I really didn’t like your comment about it is no longer normalised for a grown woman to look after a parent. Why just women?