To think they could have/should have brought something

[BurnoutGP]

I am in hospital after major (planned surgery). DD1 age 25 will be looking after me (she lives at home for a small rent that cover everything). She has had to take some time off work (unpaid).
I am fiercely independent and have brought in my own squash/snacks etc. The 2 other people in my room have had visitors all day bringing lovely fresh fruit/sweets/drinks etc. DD1 visited this evening bringing my stepmother (very close ben in my life since I was 14. Father died few years ago)
They came empty handed. There is a lovely M+S in the concourse of the hospital they would have walked past it when they came in. But hey ho. Except DD1 started on my bag of snacks eating 2 without even asking. So I very sarcastically told them off and said not only did you not bring me even a M+S fruit snack you're now eating the snacks I bought in. Im pretty immobile.
They then said oh do you want us to go get you something. I said well it really defeats the purposes if you have to be told. And it would have been almost closed.
AIBU to be hurt and disappointed and a spoilt brat
IANBU they should have brought something.
DD1 is usually pretty good but can be a bit self absorbed and they are very used to me being super capable and doing everything. I am now a bit worried what her "looking after" is going to look like....

Be explicit. And a bit selfish. Now and when you get home

i always find for first 3 days post GA I’m depressed, miserable, and being in hospital you feel trapped and stuck and bored. Treats are important to cheer yourself up and break the boredom (provided you are cleared dietry to do that). But other treats like crap magazines or puzzles or if you’ve a tablet suggestions of something to watch together in their company?

tell them this. If they’ve never stayed in hospital post surgery or had GA they don’t know.

but, expect to be a bit touchy and miserable frankly! Cut yourself some slack. But don’t get upset on having to spell out what you want,and what you need. Warn them that’s what you’re going to do.

sooner DD picks up looking after techniques, quicker you’ll recover, and then all goes back to before…

This. My stepmother even said yes I know we couldn't bring flowers i didn't think to bring anything else.

She’s taking time off unpaid to look after you. Get over yourself!

Totally get it OP. Just a bit of thought and kindness. A bit of spoiling. Hope you feel better soon

Is this the first time the tables have been turned so to speak? Is she used to you caring for her, bringing her things she’d like, being thoughtful towards her and she’s not properly realised she’s an adult and your relationship is now different? I wasn’t hugely caring towards my parents in my early twenties as I just carried on as the child in the relationship until my parents called me out on it.

I think you also have to expect that a young adult who’s inexperienced in caring for people or hospital visiting, and maybe hasn’t experienced hospital care herself, is probably not going to care for you the way a partner would. She’s taking unpaid leave to look after you, she sounds like she’s trying.

No, it's not unreasonable at all. I wouldn't necessarily say they should bring food without checking, as you might not be feeling like/allowed certain things, but they shouldn't be eating yours!

YANBU it's not that you wanted a box of chocolate. It's that you wanted someone to think "I'll buy a box of chocolate." You don't ask people to care about you.

It was super shitty of her to start eating your snacks though. That is pretty greedy and selfish.

When I was in hospital once one of my "visitors" would come, eat my food, use the TV credits on my TV and takeover my bed. They absolutely didn't give a shit about me, and that behaviour was a sign of that.

I'd say she's a young adult living at home, she's probably never 1. Not been looked after by you and 2. Looked after anyone else. Although my 5 year old old knew to bring me something in hospital.

Did I miss where they asked and OP declined ?

They then said oh do you want us to go get you something. I said well it really defeats the purposes if you have to be told

I wouldn’t visit empty handed. My uncle was in hospital, I first come with a plant and Biscuits and then a set of pjs.

@BurnoutGP they should have at least brought in a bag of sweets and a magazine.

I get you! When my DM was taken into hospital DD2 went to visit her. She took flowers (which she had to take home), lemon barley water, boiled sweets and some fruit. She just wanted to give her DGM a treat.

I think they were a bit thoughtless not to bring something (although maybe they assumed the pillow and squash were the somethings?). And certainly your daughter should have asked before eating your food!

But I think your response to them offering to get something from m&s was self-defeating. If you wanted something just ask for a nice treat. I do think this is probably a result of being stuck and immobile and watching the other patients' visits.

Some of the hospital gifts I've got were just bizarre and seemed very much like something the giver would like to receive and nothing I'd shown any previous interest in! Your daughter did bring the squash and pillow that you actually wanted at least!

I hope your recovery goes well.

I don’t think you are being unreasonable.
You could have been brought a couple of treats (a magazine, or even a homemade sandwich given hospital food is usually awful, some chocolate or some scented wipes etc).
But unless you have been in hospital you don’t realise how boring and unpleasant it can be, and what sort of things you’d like. So I’d be grateful you have family who come to visit and will take care of you when you get home. These are the best treats .

Well she is paying a small token amount for all bills and food so shes not going to be out of pocket. Shame we dont normalise grown women caring short tem for a parent that has cared for them single handedly for 25 years. She's ok with it.

OP I'm not sure you'd be feeling this way if you hadn't watched the two other people in your ward getting visitors and treats today. I suspect it's also bringing some other stuff to the surface for you. But the patient might have asked for them to bring in the treats, and if not a gift doesn't equate to care or love. Your daughter and stepmother came to visit, and your daughter has taken unpaid time off work to help you. That means more than a card or packet of chocolates.

Flowers in water = pseudomonas aeruginosa..causes lung infections in vulnerable…nasty stuff to some folks…hence they’ve been banned for years since nurse auxiliaries didn’t have time to change water every day!

a lot of patients can’t have squash, treats etc due to dietary restrictions

but yep, taking in a surprise something and a card to cheer someone up is least you’d expect from loving DD 🤷‍♀️

I'm actually shocked at the comments here. I've maybe spent too much time in the last few years visiting in hospital, but would always try to bring a treat / something cold/something fresh. If unsure I'd message first to check if anything specific.

The days in hospital are long, you have no control over anything. It's not unreasonable to think that someone visiting would be trying to cheer you up.

I don't think you're unreasonable, but maybe they're clueless and you might need to ask for anything you'd like

I understand how you feel -especially as you have had major surgery and feel vulnerable.

However I suspect your DD doesn't have much experience of how you might be feeling or how rubbish hospital food is (and probably how little agency you have to right now to sort yourself out). From the other things you said it's thoughtless and naivety from her than not cruelty. It will seem a bigger deal as you feel vulnerable.

It's not unreasonable to crave some care and attention, especially when feeling a bit vulnerable. What is unreasonable to expecting people to show care in the same way you show it. Yes, ideally we'd want people to 'know' what we'd like, but perhaps give your daughter summer grace here.
Better communication on your part and perhaps some patience on your part might help. Your DD has agreed to take unpaid time off work to create for you, and visit you in hospital. To you that might feel like the bare minimum - and you might not be wrong - but it's a solid start.

I’m going to say that it will never be normalised for a 25 yo to be caring for anyone as they’re young and should be out living their best life.

Not to say your dd shouldn’t be caring for you though, and it’s only temporarily, but it won’t be normalised.

She didn't have to buy in M&S, OP just said there was one.
Good grief, waste or not, don't people try and cheer hospital patients up with treats ?

What a martyr….

No plants …vulnerable patients in shared wards ….bacteria where soil wet/moist …not a good combo

flowers/plants to welcome them home 😬

After the event.
No, daughter didn't bring a treat, card, anything, but sat and munched on OP's provisions.

Ok I know i was being unreasonable to be hurt but yes im in pain, bored and absolutely hate being dependant on other people. Im dreading being at home and dependant on my child because we do actually have a lovely relationship.
I guess I was just feeling a bit unloved/un cared for and yes of course seeing other patients with partners brings that home.
I obviously wont hold it against her and am very glad she has taken the time to help me. I will try and be selfish and needy and explicit in what I want/need the next few weeks. I am not very good at asking or allowing help.