To think they could have/should have brought something

[BurnoutGP]

I am in hospital after major (planned surgery). DD1 age 25 will be looking after me (she lives at home for a small rent that cover everything). She has had to take some time off work (unpaid).
I am fiercely independent and have brought in my own squash/snacks etc. The 2 other people in my room have had visitors all day bringing lovely fresh fruit/sweets/drinks etc. DD1 visited this evening bringing my stepmother (very close ben in my life since I was 14. Father died few years ago)
They came empty handed. There is a lovely M+S in the concourse of the hospital they would have walked past it when they came in. But hey ho. Except DD1 started on my bag of snacks eating 2 without even asking. So I very sarcastically told them off and said not only did you not bring me even a M+S fruit snack you're now eating the snacks I bought in. Im pretty immobile.
They then said oh do you want us to go get you something. I said well it really defeats the purposes if you have to be told. And it would have been almost closed.
AIBU to be hurt and disappointed and a spoilt brat
IANBU they should have brought something.
DD1 is usually pretty good but can be a bit self absorbed and they are very used to me being super capable and doing everything. I am now a bit worried what her "looking after" is going to look like....

Yanbu, they should have at least asked if you wanted/needed anything but yes some sort of little gift to show they thought of you would have been nice.

They forgot or didn’t think. They would have got you something immediately if you’d asked. Never hint, it benefits no one.

There are some really odd people on here. Who clearly haven't heard of hospital malnutrition or seen the lack of tempting food on hospital menus. The lack of fresh foods.

Of course you take something in when you visit! It's basic, very basic caring.

When I was in friends brought lovely fruit, zingy salads. Thank you cards (for me to write). Soft socks, super casual pull on bras. Magazines. Ear plugs, silk pillowcase. Eye mask for the constant day and night light. Dressing gown (by request need to cover a window in a door) . Cushion to sit on in the wipe clean chair and SO much more. They rubbed my feet...put cream on. Oh brought wet wipes when I couldn't shower because of wounds.

Noone who knows how hospitals are would come empty handed.

They came to visit and she’s taking leave from work when you come home. I think it was childish to say there was no point them getting anything if you needed to ask. Perhaps you’re feeling very sensitive after the anaesthetic.
How much help will you need when you get home and what are you concerned that she won’t offer that you need doing?

I don't know - when my son had surgery I was talking about checking in for a few days just for the menu! Son was in private. When my DH was in recently, different hospital (public), he could order up fruit, smoothies, all range of breakfasts, lunches, dinners and snacks. Hospital food has a reputation but I think it's pretty good these days.

But are you not fiercely independent?

Well this comment together with your strop about the lack of mind-reading from your DD and SM has pissed me off. For fiercely independent I read "nothing anyone else does for me is good enough". Your DD didn't ask to be born. Children are brought up to be independent, not to serve their parents. You sound like hard work.

If you wanted something from the M&S you should have just asked them to get it for you.

You try and get some sleep, @BurnoutGP and take care. Tomorrow’s another day

Because OP has daughters 🤦‍♀️

If you want something ask for it they aren’t mind readers. When she looks after you you’ll have to tell her what you need.

I think having visitors is them showing they care. Many people don’t get visitors in a hospital. Appreciate the effort they made by visiting :)

YABU for wanting them to bring things without asking.

Not only do hospitals sometimes have restrictions on what you can bring in but also they may not have wanted you to feel like you needed to accept it.

But YANBU to be annoyed DD ate your snacks and I’m glad you said something.

You’re feeling a bit vulnerable and sensitive and just wanted someone to show they care, which is completely understandable.

Just remember this isn’t personal and DD is visiting you and taking time off work to care for you - she sounds very lovely and you’ve obviously done a fantastic job raising her.

Ask them to bring you a treat next time.
You’ll likely feel much better about the situation tomorrow.
I hope you get better soon 💐

It pissed you off? You don't believe in caring for a family member? How odd

Yanbu that’s really sad they didn’t think of bringing you anything.

No it really isn’t! Your son and husband got lucky.

Was visiting a relative every day last week (one of the best NHS hospitals in the country for clinical expertise) and the food was shocking. Bullet-hard onion bhajis, turkey so dry it was inedible, grey broccoli, etc etc.

Nope that takes energy when you are ill and the whole point about caring is taking that burden from someone

You brought your daughter up. Perhaps you haven't given her the opportunity to develop empathy and altruism because you're too busy being "fiercely independent" to show her that you might need something sometimes. Having said that, she is taking unpaid leave to look after you, which is pretty caring of her. Don't make her regret it.

You think that applies when someone is immobile in hospital or you enjoy being a bully?

I get you Op and I am glad you spoke up. But I think you should move on from it. Now that you’ve said your piece maybe they will be more considerate in future. I don’t think it was malicious, they just never thought of it.

And people show their care in different ways, she has turned up at the hospital and taken unpaid leave.

I know it’s not a race to the bottom but some people don’t even get visitors in hospital so please try and focus on the bright side.

Calling her a spoilt brat os super bitchy.

A lot of people don't learn those kind of etiquette skills until their thirties.

Think about it. You learn to bring gifts to parties because your parents show you. How often has she been with an adult to visit someone sick and brought a gift?

Has she seen you model this behaviour?

I know OP has a daughter but in her post she was the moaning that it was no longer normalised for adult daughters to look after a parent. I am fairly sure this was a general comment and not specific to her circumstances.

Maybe your relative just got unlucky? It doesn't sound representative of hospital food I've encountered, and I've encountered quite a lot, especially in recent years.

I still want to check into the hospital my son was in for a couple of days. The eggs benedict for breakfast looked amazing.

@BurnoutGP Ignore all these weird judgmental comments. It’s totally normal to take a small gift or treat when visiting someone in hospital. Magazines, books, fruit, fun snacks if they are allowed other food.

Feel better soon 💐

She’s taking unpaid leave to look after you. If you want her to bring something, tell her, she’s not a mind reader. I wouldn’t automatically turn up
with something for my mum
unlrss she specifically asked for it.

When I’ve been in hospital after my surgeries I’ve had no visitors at all. I would have been extremely grateful to have had a visitor, it wouldn’t have bothered me at all if they didn’t bring anything with them, the thought wouldn’t have crossed my mind. People are what matters, not ‘things’. Society has become increasingly materialistic.