To think they could have/should have brought something

[BurnoutGP]

I am in hospital after major (planned surgery). DD1 age 25 will be looking after me (she lives at home for a small rent that cover everything). She has had to take some time off work (unpaid).
I am fiercely independent and have brought in my own squash/snacks etc. The 2 other people in my room have had visitors all day bringing lovely fresh fruit/sweets/drinks etc. DD1 visited this evening bringing my stepmother (very close ben in my life since I was 14. Father died few years ago)
They came empty handed. There is a lovely M+S in the concourse of the hospital they would have walked past it when they came in. But hey ho. Except DD1 started on my bag of snacks eating 2 without even asking. So I very sarcastically told them off and said not only did you not bring me even a M+S fruit snack you're now eating the snacks I bought in. Im pretty immobile.
They then said oh do you want us to go get you something. I said well it really defeats the purposes if you have to be told. And it would have been almost closed.
AIBU to be hurt and disappointed and a spoilt brat
IANBU they should have brought something.
DD1 is usually pretty good but can be a bit self absorbed and they are very used to me being super capable and doing everything. I am now a bit worried what her "looking after" is going to look like....

Honestly, you probably aren't your usual self, but if you are always like this, it might explain why you haven't had a steady stream of visitors. I do hope you are pain free and back to full independent health very soon.

Very nasty post. I’m genuinely shocked, even for MN. OP has just said the thread has affected her health negatively and you come straight in with a nasty jibe! 😳

A visit is relieving the boredom and the op should be more sppreciative of people giving up their time.
You eere rude and grasping

Rude and grasping? Ridiculous! Something tells me you enjoy insulting people. I assume you mean Op, not me?

Shame we dont normalise grown women caring short tem for a parent that has cared for them single handedly for 25 years.

But it is normalised, OP. Most carers are women. Society expects it from women and not so much from men unfortunately.

The least we can do is not place even more expectations on women to provide care as well gifts.

With my own mum, I've found it's better to buy her what she says she asks for. Anything else will get comments like 'why did you waste your money on that?'

But are you just a visitor who takes some grapes and then leaves after an hour?

It's very different when you're going to be the 24/7 carer for a few weeks.

She hasn't been sweetness and light herself. I did say she might not be her usual self but c'mon, if you don't have a steady stream of visitors, there could be a reason behind it other than they don't have time. My aunt a waspish woman didnt see anyone apart from my mum when she was in hospital. My father in law had to keep a diary of the people who wanted to visit my dmil. I still do wish the OP a speedy recovery it's never nice being ill and having to rely on people.

This is absolutely ridiculous.Fortunately, I think OP has gone away so hopefully won’t have to read such bitchiness.
And where are you placed in all this? Would people want to visit you in hospital, or prefer to avoid?

She's guilt-tripping people who have been kind and caring enough to visit. Now she is blaming people on here for mefical observations being awry for replying to the question she herself asked them to answer! Emotional manipulation seems to be her modus operandi!

op i get you completely. when you give your life to looking after others they get so used to you being the organiser and to being looked after it can feel hugely disappointing when they dont return the favour just once and its not the lack of gifts but the lack of thought and care. You, in the same situation would have picked out some thoughtful treats and written a note or card and all you got was 2 people eating the few treats you had access to.
Its all very well people saying communicate but you should not have to ask or veg for the norm that you have role modelled for years.
a small note and a couple of dandilions would have the same effect its about thought about how the person would like to be treated not spending loads.
Last year i had energency surgery and a friend (not super close) bought me 4 lego type flowers (think temu equivalents) and wrapped them individually for me to make each day. i still have them in a vase now and was so perfect as i coukd make them in between sleeping and treatment.
Gentle hugs from an internet stranger who hears you.

Unbelievable!
This is ageist abuse from someone who enjoys abusing others.
Where’s the clue, if one were needed?
’Manipulation.’
This is codswallop.

She's taken unpaid time off work to look after you, and you're moaning she didn't bring you some biscuits? Surely this is a reverse, as anyone self-aware enough to mention the paid time off surely wouldn't be clueless enough to pick a fight over this.

I could maybe understand feeling a slight disappointment in your head. But voicing it is just picking an unnecessary fight, and then being a martyr when they do offer to get something is even worse.

Why wouldn't you say that? I would say that. People should just ask for what they want, life would be so much easier

Huh?

It’s a stereotype on MN.
For some, presumably younger, women, you just have to say the word MIL or Mother and they come straight back with ‘manipulative’ whether or not it fits.
I can’t see anything manipulative about OP’s behaviour.
Rather, I ‘d say, it’s her admission of vulnerability which is triggering for some posters.

@BurnoutGP I understand your point of view completely. I think we are very similar. So independent that others don’t realise there is a side of us that wants looking after - hell, we don’t even know it until the chips are down and we feel sorry for ourselves (which isn’t often).

I have learned to see the love and care in the places they insist. Your DD has taken time off work, your step mum came to see you, you will be supported when you get home. Remember, we have actively taught these people that we are self sufficient and can manage so they are never going to ‘fuss’ around us unless we tell them what we need. The problem is, we’re not used to showing vulnerability so even that is difficult!

I wish you a comfortable, speedy recovery.

I am older than OP as my children are in their forties and I disagree with you.
I have noticed some of the attitudes towards older women that you describe on MN and I do call out ageism sometimes.
I think OP is being unreasonable and martyrish.
Her daughter has been to see her and is even staying off work when she comes home and she’s moaning about them not mind reading and bringing gifts.

They came to visit and your daughter has taken unpaid leave to care for you. Don't worry, they absolutely love you. I'd be a bit disappointed too but it's not the main thing and hopefully you won't be in this situation again. I'd let it go.

Any Buffy fans remember the episode when she's in hospital and Cordelia turns up empty handed and said nobody told her to bring gifts, to which Giles replies 'It's traditional...among humans.'

Agree with this

I've been hospitalized multiple times and this is all a bit much. Hospitals generally want you wearing the grippy socks they provide to prevent falls, so I'm not sure why I'd need someone bringing me socks and why on earth would I want to wear a bra while lying in a hospital bed? As for wet wipes, every hospital I've stayed in has provided everything I needed to clean myself up including help bathing when necessary. I'm American, so maybe UK hospitals are just lacking in basic supplies, but I've never needed visitors to bring me any of these thing. The only thing I've sometimes had my husband bring me is a nice latte but aside from that I can order what I want from the hospital menue and magazines? What year is this? While you're at it, how about you bring me a newspaper and a crossword puzzle too. I was always just happy to have someone visit me. I certainly wasn't expecting them to arrive with an entire care package.

Tons of ableism in your reply ...many people in hospital can't walk or wear the grippy socks. If you have large breasts, you've had a serious accident and can't wear your usual underwire bra...a pull on bra gives you some comfort and dignity. No wet wipes to avoid blocked drains. I wanted them for clean hands after bed pan. Do you mean elderly people will have digital devices to download magazines? My best mate 50s has a brick phone. Personalised care is appropriate isn't it?

Whilst I was in I was able to order a book rest online for ward delvery for a lady who had fractured her elbow and couldn't hold a book but had been brought books by relatives. There are lots of ways to be kind and considerate.

No-one suggested a care package...the idea (the thread) was something to show your regard and thoughtfulness for the boring hours in hospital and how isolated patients are.

Calling someone with MS ableist because they've had different experiences in hospitals is certainly a choice and like I said, I've been hospitalized multiple times for various reasons, including periods when wasn't allowed to walk or couldn't walk easily and fuzzy socks without grips aren't exactly ideal if someone is unsteady on their feet. Having large breasts also is not a disability so I'm not sure how questioning the need for a bra is ableism and like I said, every hospital I've stayed in has provided wet wipes and other hygiene supplies, so why on earth would someone need to bring them? And why are we suddenly discussing elderly people without smartphones when the OP has a 25-year-old daughter, so presumably isn't elderly herself? Your 50-year-old friend with a brick phone is an anomaly, which surely you realize. Nobody said patients can't have different needs or that thoughtful gifts are bad. I simply don't think visitors should be expected to bring a bunch of things but apparently that's ableism now. 😂

You quoted me and said "it was a bit much" ...then proceeded to say how all the things others needed weren't needed in your experience...as if your experience was everyones.

It isn't.

And I never claimed my experience was everyone's, I said I thought your list was a bit much, and I still do. I've been given grippy socks every time I've been hospitalized cause like I said, fuzzy socks without grips aren't particularly practical or safe in a hospital and hospitals should also be providing basic hygiene supplies. If you want magazines, a silk pillowcase, or whatever else makes you comfortable, that's perfectly fine. My point was simply that visitors shouldn't be expected to bring a bunch of things. You're entitled to share your hospital experience, and I'm entitled to share mine.