The Plus One is coming on her own.

[BeleagueredBride]

We had a disaster at the beginning of the year as my partner became ill. We had to cancel our wedding. Thankfully we were insured and more importantly he is fine.

All set to go again although six people who said yes iat Easter cannot make the new date.

My partner originally wanted to invite a guy, a more recent friend, he was becoming close to but we had no room but now we can accommodate him Partner has met his partner in passing and I have met the guy in passing but never met his partner.

We invited him and as a matter of courtesy his partner as his plus one.

Reply came back he is staying at home to look after kids but she is coming! WTF?

I want to reply explaining that she was essentially his plus one . Why would you go alone to a virtual stranger’s wedding? She possibly knows two other couples but really?

My partner says we have to suck it up.

What would you do?

It's definitely weird, and it's pretty clear who the plus one is in a situation like this. I don't know why people are hung up on whether the name is on the invite or not, it would be rude to address it to Bob+1 when you know that Bob is married to Jane, and at least one of you has met Jane.

Having said that, I think the best thing to do now is just let it go. If she wants to come, let her, it's not going to affect you on the day. Making an issue of it is just creating awkwardness for nobody's benefit.

But don’t you acknowledge that even though she was named, any normal person knows that you’re only invited as the partner of the person who actually knows the bride and groom and it’s really odd not to behave accordingly?

Are you seriously claiming it's reasonable for her to think "my partner has met both of them and is friends with him, but clearly I am an equal invitee despite having never met one and barely met the other"? Bonkers.

OP, I'm with the person who said "I think you have to let her come, the big weirdo". It's not worth causing drama over, but she's being incredibly weird to want to come in the first place. I'd maybe have partner say to his friend that you wouldn't be offended if neither of them could come, just in case they misread the situation and felt obligated for one of them to attend.

I have caught up on the posts. Thank you.

We are just letting it go and letting her come.

I am amazed that people are a bit fixated on the ‘Debtett’s’ distinction between a plus one and a named invitee; of course I know the difference but in the real world we were happy to invite her as my partner’s friend’s partner as a courtesy.

The ‘girl’ people refer to is a late thirties/early forties professional woman. She has her own name (as do I) but I do not know if they are married and this is irrelevant to us.

It would be absurd to write friend’s name and then plus 1 when we knew he had a partner and knew her name.

We are talking about English, middle-class professionals; there is no cultural protocols at play.

Surely then she knows that hers was a courtesy invitation, you know on the basis that she has met my partner 3 times and me not at all.

We don’t think that the friend thinks we are weird as someone suggested; why would he? He was kind to my partner and went to see him in hospital; we believe that it is a genuine friendship.

We are not going to rescind her invitation, no matter how odd we think the situation is. Partner will say to his friend that he is sad he can’t come when he sees him in the hope of some elucidation.

From this group two are coming with their partners (who we both know); partner is going to ask casually when he sees them if they know her but without comment.

Partner doesn’t have any worries about her behaviour or anything like that.

As for accusations that we see women as accessories to men; that is absurd. We would have preferred him to come and her to stay with kids you know on the basis of not actually knowing her not because she is a woman.

Yes, I agree. Whether or not the men have a developing friendship now or not, if I were them, I'd be cooling and distancing from you both because of this.

Nobody wants a friend who invites you to an event and then randomly calls you later to uninvite you. It's hurtful, insulting and makes their true opinion of you crystal clear. What if, further down the line, you ended up arranging a holiday for the two couples, and they sprang it on you that they only actually want one of you there? It would be very different if you'd had a blazing row; but when it's just a case of 'we're not really sure if we like you and if you're worth our time"?

I'd definitely be stepping back and proceeding with any friendship/acquaintanceship with caution - both of them.

We are letting the invitation stand even if we think it’s a weird response.

We don’t have a true opinion of her as DP has met her 3 times in passing and I have never met her.

I think that is incredibly odd and if I were the plus one I wouldn’t attend. Because it would be clear to me that I was the plus one.

Well, I think it’s the correct response from your standpoint. It’s still CF territory. However, she might be a scream and become a great friend. Enjoy your wedding!!

But if she's expected to know that her invitation was a courtesy one, how is he to know that his invitation wasn't also a courtesy one - and that you've latterly invited him out of politeness, as he'll know the wedding is upcoming and you'll be talking about and preparing for it in front of him... but you don't really want him to accept it and be there with your family and friends you've known for decades?

A bit like an adult equivalent of when kids offer grown-ups their sweets, because they think/have been told that they should; but everybody present knows that they're really hoping you'll just as politely decline.

Wow. There’s a lot here! OP has asked for advice on this slightly odd situation that’s arisen and you are straight into “cooling” and “distancing”.
how can it “make their true opinion clear” - they barely know the partner concerned, which is the point of the post.
and OP’s update is she’s let it go anyway!

SeasideWalkaroundStore

I would have thought that social norms would suggest to her that she has been invited as a courtesy as we don’t know her!

He however, is a friend of my partner admittedly only for about eighteen months but they are becoming closer.

We wouldn’t have needed to offer him a courtesy invitation.

Maybe she’s the sociable one OP and he is less into events etc than your fiancé realises given he doesn’t know him well. It is however mystifying and I do completely agree with your update saying how odd it is that people have focused on how you invited her by name rather than a +1. Who writes a wedding invitation to a +1 rather than bothering to use their name, it shows a total lack of care and etiquette.

I still think I’d get your fiancé to have a word with the friend and say “really disappointed you can’t make it as we haven’t had the chance to get to know Mary that well yet” and just plant the seed how odd it is!

“if she's expected to know that her invitation was a courtesy one, how is he to know that his invitation wasn't also a courtesy one”

How about because any normal person knows that the person who actually has a connection to/relationship with the bride/groom is the one who’s actually the invited guest at a wedding and their spouse/partner is invited as the guest’s other half. Why on earth would you expect to go to the wedding of people you barely know otherwise?!

Who writes a wedding invitation to a +1 rather than bothering to use their name, it shows a total lack of care and etiquette.

People normally just 'officially' invite the person they want to invite, but mention in a separate note/verbally that it's fine if they want to bring somebody with them, so they will at least know one person there.

This could all have been easily and painlessly avoided if, rather than issue an invitation to somebody whom they didn't really want to invite, OP's fiance had given the invitation to his friend (addressed to him alone) and said something like "Here's your invitation to our wedding, we'd love to have you there if you can make it. Feel free to bring your partner with you if you'd like to and if she's available - we haven't included her on the invitation, as we don't actually know each other!!; but we wouldn't want you to feel awkward just coming on your own".

But as OP has said herself, the men haven't really known each other for all that long.

Plenty of couples do invite people they aren't especially close to - whether they have a small social circle and otherwise there won't be many people there; or they are big extroverts and they just want a huge crowd there (maybe for insta); or they strategically 'network' by inviting people from a club, workplace, regular customers of their business or somewhere/something else where the action could prove tactically beneficial for them.

Let's be honest: if we only ever invited the people we truly wanted to be there to share our big day with us, a great many of us would not dream of inviting half of the extended family members who invariably attend.

No, they don't. Nobody normal sends an invite to one person and then casually mentions afterwards "oh it's fine if you want to bring Jane too." What a nightmare that would be for keeping track of your numbers.

Family is different because you don’t choose them. Whether the man invited is a close friend or just a casual acquaintance of the groom it’s still obvious to any normal person that HE is the real invited guest and his partner is just invited as his other half.

OP ignore the poster who is determined to tell you you're wrong. 🙄

You've doing the right thing by letting it go, but it's not wrong to find it weird. It is weird.

Anyway, hope you have a wonderful wedding!

You named her, you invited her, you cannot rescind it without looking really rude.

Haha that’s mental! Of course it’s not normal behaviour or a response. Neither of you know her.

Sakura7

No, they don't. Nobody normal sends an invite to one person and then casually mentions afterwards "oh it's fine if you want to bring Jane too." What a nightmare that would be for keeping track of your numbers.

You are absolutely right. I think I am coming out in hives at the idea of that scenario.

You invited her. Her name was on the invitation. It would be extremely poor form to uninvite her.

If you name her on the invitation, she is very clearly invited. You can't go around uninviting people because you object to how they divide up their childcare duties.

Maybe she loves a good wedding and he's really not into them so volunteered to stay with the kids. Maybe she's really flattered to be asked.

This genuinely wouldn't bother me. We had a friend who pulled out of attending our wedding late on so we still had to pay. Mil's friend came to the church and mil invited her to the reception. I still have no idea who she was. It was a happy day and she wanted to be there. How wonderful. That's how I would look at this.

I had been living with my now husband for about a year and we were invited to my brother’s wedding along with my daughter.

I was absolutely heartbroken that I couldn’t go but DH could go. My brother absolutely flipped and tried to rescind his invitation until my mother stepped in. He was only invited as my partner.

He also tried to rescind my daughter’s invitation as my mother was looking after her and didn’t want my mother distracted.

This was his niece and a man he had met many times and who is now his actual brother-in-law.

I think it was perfectly acceptable for my now husband to accept the invitation but this woman is nuts to go to a stranger’s wedding even if her name was on the invitation.