The Plus One is coming on her own.

[BeleagueredBride]

We had a disaster at the beginning of the year as my partner became ill. We had to cancel our wedding. Thankfully we were insured and more importantly he is fine.

All set to go again although six people who said yes iat Easter cannot make the new date.

My partner originally wanted to invite a guy, a more recent friend, he was becoming close to but we had no room but now we can accommodate him Partner has met his partner in passing and I have met the guy in passing but never met his partner.

We invited him and as a matter of courtesy his partner as his plus one.

Reply came back he is staying at home to look after kids but she is coming! WTF?

I want to reply explaining that she was essentially his plus one . Why would you go alone to a virtual stranger’s wedding? She possibly knows two other couples but really?

My partner says we have to suck it up.

What would you do?

I had this at my wedding, full day invite for DH colleague + wife. I had only met the colleague on a couple of occasions, he declined as he was going away on a hobby trip, but to our surprise his wife who neither of us had met, accepted! DH had a chat with his colleague and rescinded her invitation. We all eventually became friends, there was never any weirdness from either side. Say something!

Then the partner will always feel weird and awkward at events where you are, when you could actually cultivate a friendship because of this, instead.

dh friend isn’t keen on going and other half would prefer to go. I don’t see a problem, but it’s up to you as it’s your wedding.

If she's brass-necked to go on her own when she's a plus one, I can guarantee that there's not much that would make this woman feel weird.

If you gave a named invitation to each of them, she isn't a 'plus one'. She is an invited guest. So, no, you can't uninvite her.

And how was she supposed to know that she is less welcome than her partner, who you also only know 'in passing', even if your dh knows him somewhat better? Perhaps she thinks that the invite is a sign that you want to develop the friendship.

Also, although we always read on MN that an invitation is not a summons, many people do view it as a polite request for your company - and take it as the default that, if you have been invited, they would actually like you to attend if you can.

Having to decline because of childcare needs, or being on holiday, or being ill, or a prior engagement are all socially valid and acceptable reasons for having to decline. In stark contrast, "I can't really be bothered to come" is (surprise!) considered extremely rude... and in their circumstances, where they don't need both of them for childcare reasons, that's effectively what one of them would be doing if they both declined.

As PP have said, you might be expecting him to come and her to stay at home with the kids; but if both of them were explicitly invited, how were they to definitely know YOUR thinking as to their arrangements, in the absence of you giving them any clues? For all they know, you - having invited only them and not their children - may be expecting them to find (maybe elusive) childcare and both attend; and may be extra offended if they both decline... so, to their thinking, this is the most polite and accommodating way forward.

It’s a deeply weird move but you invited her and so you’re stuck with her now. What on Earth is she thinking? Can’t your partner have a chat with his friend?

Maybe you could ask if she will be ok as she won’t know anyone including the bride and groom? Hint hint.

This. I am gobsmacked 😂

She’s not a “plus one” as you named her on the invite. You can’t invite people by name and then get narky when they accept.

But the 'friend' is described as 'a guy, a more recent friend, he was becoming close to'. It's not like they've been best buddies for 30 years but have never met his partner.

He was already on the 'reserve' list, subject to much more wanted/closer people declining; so they may well see it as a general extending of hospitality based on the prospect of a nascent friendship with them both, rather than a case of there being no question that they would naturally always be invited.

It might even be that, having been invited as not-particularly-close friends - and quite late in the day - they've heard/realised that OP and her DFiance have been let down by A-list invitees and are struggling for numbers, and so will be grateful for as many people to come from the B-list as can make it, rather than the venue be half empty.

Did you say she was '+one'? If not, she is invited and believes she will be welcome. You could brazen it out and say she isn't invited without DP's friend - who will at once cease to be DP's friend, of course.

She’s isn’t a plus one though is she….

You named them both in the invitation, so to withdraw it now would be very rude.

If you had really only wanted her partner to attend (with or without her) then you should have invited him “plus one”.

Read above. They were both named on the invitation.

She might be lovely (albeit a bit gormless around wedding etiquette) but, no.

DP contacts his mate & says ‘no worries that you can’t make it, but can you let your gf know that given you aren’t attending as a couple, we’d quite like to free that slot up for Auntie Agnes & her wife…sorry, your gf was always your plus one, & it’s so nice of her to say she’ll come, but honestly she doesn’t need to.’

if he won’t do that, then it looks like she’s attending.

@BeleagueredBride she wants a day out without the kids! Could you get round the problem by inviting the kids so that they all attend?

This! It's slightly unusual, but neither of them are exactly bosom buddies.

It would be socially clunky to say the least to uninvite a named guest now she's accepted.

Everyone knows when they are the plus one ffs, even if named. You have to be a real idiot not to know if you weren’t with your partner you wouldn’t be invited.

Your husband must chat to his friend: man to man

he can tell him he is disappointed that he’s doing childcare abd not attending since you don’t really know the wife

By avoiding any awkwardness that you may have felt by inviting "James +1" and by specifically naming her instead, you've effectively deliberately shifted that awkwardness from yourselves on to them.

Have you not considered that, if you had been honest and invited "James +1", they may have figured that only he is explicitly invited, so she'll obviously stay with the kids, he can go to the wedding and take his brother/sister/friend/whoever as HIS +1. You've deliberately seriously limited his +1 possibilities.

It's madness inviting a named person from a more distant friend circle to your wedding when you don't really want them there... it's very different if it's your grandad whom you find unpleasant, but can't not invite him - because he's your grandad - but you're still secretly hoping that he might find the journey too tiring at his age and decline anyway.

Bit of a misstep on your partner's part and really would be impolite to rescind the invitation now. Just make the best of it.

It’s a wedding

Spread some love ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

Also
(She was named on the invitation that’s the end of it. )

It's a strange thing to do given that you both hardly know her but as her name is on the invite, I think you just have to get on with it. You can't uninvite her and who knows, she might become a really good friend of yours in time?

I cant imagine going to the wedding of my husbands new mate whilst he stays home with the kids. Obviously it ought to be other way round

It sounds like her dp is probably more invested in the friendship than the man himself. Probably due to the break in his life due to illness.They might actually both be surprised to be invited.