AIBU to feel so absolutely mortified

[DoraSpenlow]

Just need to get this off my chest as I have no-one to talk to.Went for lunch today at our local community cafe. On the table next to us (there were no other tables before anyone says we could have moved) there was a young woman and a boy aged about 12 playing cards. The boy was being very loud. From his behaviour I automatically assumed autism. They finished the game and started another which seemed to involve slamming plastic discs down on the table. I admit it was quite irritating.

I could see DH was getting annoyed and as I went up to the counter to order dessert I whispered that yes it was annoying but please don't say anything. But no, he just had to, and I heard him say, excuse me but do you think you could keep the noise down a little, we can't hear our conversation. My heart sank. The boy ran off and locked himself in the toilet and everyone was looking at DH as if he was the worst man on earth.

He really is the kindest, gentlest man. Always there to help a mum getting a pushchair up steps or to offer an elderly person a steadying arm. In his defence he was not at his.most patient as we have had an awful few days. He has been undergoing tests for prostate cancer, his best friend has been dying and we heard this morning that he had died.

Since being home I have had a real go and he said he was sorry he didn't realise the boy's issue and it was not his intention to upset anyone. He just wanted a nice lunch with his wife after a crap few days and to relax a bit.

I am down to do a voluntary shift at the cafe tomorrow.morning and I just feel too embarrassed to go. Should I cancel?

This is a serious overreaction on your part.

He has been undergoing tests for prostate cancer, his best friend has been dying and we heard this morning that he had died.

I'm sorry, but the young lad's peace and happiness isnt more important than that of your husband. He's having a terrible time and you're more worried about a stranger in a cafe?

Why would you cancel?

Since being home I have had a real go

And to top it all now you're on his case? You should be supporting him, not berating him.

I wouldn’t feel mortified. We all have off days and the other table sounded irritating. He wasn’t to know how the boy was going to react. Yes, he probably should have kept his nose out but like you said, he’d been having a tough time.

If anyone mentions it when you are volunteering I would say ‘He’s sorry about that. His friend had died and we’ve had a terrible week, he couldn’t hear himself think. He’s mortified’.

No, don't cancel - you'd only be leaving them in the lurch!

I think you're making a bigger deal of this than you need to. Yes your husband could have been more tolerant in the moment, but he's having a horrific time, and it's not like he was an arsehole to the other family.

Let it go, it's really not a big issue.

It's fine to ask somebody politely to keep the noise down a bit in a public place. Was he polite? Not knowing if the boy has a disability, he needs to learn how to adapt a bit to his surroundings-if he can. If he can't, then his mum/carer may need to explain to anyone who is disturbed.

Whilst I would be horrified that it had to be my husband that said something to a likely disabled child, and did it against my wishes - he probably did what others wished they could do.
You shouldn't feel embarrassed.

I'd maybe get it if you husband was rude but it sounds like he spoke politely to them. You can't predict a reaction like that and we all need to be able to cope with polite requests from others.

excuse me but do you think you could keep the noise down a little

This wasnt unreasonable of him to say. He didnt shout and scream, he didnt slam, he didnt get angry or annoyed.

I'm team husband here.

I felt embarrassed that everyone else was looking at him as if he had been going round kicking puppies.

God no don't cancel. That would really be dropping them in it.
If anyone says anything to you (and they shouldn't, it's not as if your DH yelled at anyone. He made what would have been a reasonable request at any other time) - you can just say that your DH is really sorry, he was having a bad day.
But I think you'll find most people will have understood the situation.

Give your husband a break.
Lots would find such noise overwhelming.
Yabu.
He has a lot going on.
Maybe a noisy child, however innocent, was just too much for him right now.

I would have said something too. I don’t care what problems the child might have, it’s not ok to allow them to create so much noise and disturbance in a public place. YABU for having a go at your DH for standing up and doing the right thing. Are you normally this timid and afraid of other people?

Wow you’re poor husband. He’s going through a lot and you’re being a complete ninny about going back to a cafe where he quietly and politely ask someone to be a bit less disruptive.

It’s done now, so I wouldn’t worry but to be quiet, honest nowadays there’s more chance of it being shit parenting than a SEN

Do you think I don't know that? I've been going through it with him.

You've been incredibly unfair on your husband, he's having a shit and stressful time and he politely asked if someone could be quiet whilst doing something you yourself found irritating and you've had a go at the poor bastard.

Just because a child is possibly autistic does not mean you cannot ask if there's a way the noise could come down, they may not be able too but he did nothing wrong

Total overreaction on your part.
The last thing your husband needs at this time is extra grief from his wife.
Can't believe you couldn't work this out for yourself.

Yes, he was very polite.

Well the post doesnt come across that youre on his side; quite the opposite.

It’s fine OP. There’s a lesson in there for the the young man or his parent that what he /they do has an impact on people around them. It doesn’t matter if he’s autistic or not. Even if he was unreasonable you’re not responsible for your husband and I wouldn’t be apologising for him.

You owe him an apology, you’ve massively overreacted to a complete non-issue.

Your husband was incredibly restrained to ask so politely. I wouldn't have been able to stay in the café if faced with that kind of noise. You need to apologise for having a go at him, go down there tomorrow with your head held high and if anyone says anything to you, you tell them his best friend just died so he wasn't in the best form. There's no arguing against that info.

I think you've been awful to DH. ..he was very polite and if the boy is able to pay cards he's able to do it without slamming them down and disturbing people in a restaurant.

His care giver was at fault here for allowing the situation to develop sufficiently that DH wanted to intervene.