AIBU to feel so absolutely mortified

[DoraSpenlow]

Just need to get this off my chest as I have no-one to talk to.Went for lunch today at our local community cafe. On the table next to us (there were no other tables before anyone says we could have moved) there was a young woman and a boy aged about 12 playing cards. The boy was being very loud. From his behaviour I automatically assumed autism. They finished the game and started another which seemed to involve slamming plastic discs down on the table. I admit it was quite irritating.

I could see DH was getting annoyed and as I went up to the counter to order dessert I whispered that yes it was annoying but please don't say anything. But no, he just had to, and I heard him say, excuse me but do you think you could keep the noise down a little, we can't hear our conversation. My heart sank. The boy ran off and locked himself in the toilet and everyone was looking at DH as if he was the worst man on earth.

He really is the kindest, gentlest man. Always there to help a mum getting a pushchair up steps or to offer an elderly person a steadying arm. In his defence he was not at his.most patient as we have had an awful few days. He has been undergoing tests for prostate cancer, his best friend has been dying and we heard this morning that he had died.

Since being home I have had a real go and he said he was sorry he didn't realise the boy's issue and it was not his intention to upset anyone. He just wanted a nice lunch with his wife after a crap few days and to relax a bit.

I am down to do a voluntary shift at the cafe tomorrow.morning and I just feel too embarrassed to go. Should I cancel?

This is just not true in a community cafe run by volunteers. I would look twice at a grown man telling a young disabled boy to be quieter, it's not the norm for these places to be quiet, I go to one all the time and the onus is on you to manage the noise, not to ask people to be quieter.

I cannot believe I’m reading this. Husband has politely asked someone to keep the noise down which was irritating you and presumably other people in the cafe. You are being a complete doormat if you’re happy to be made to feel uncomfortable and irritated so some other person doesn’t feel uncomfortable. It’s irrelevant if the child had autism and you’re only assuming that is the case. If they are disturbing other people then it’s totally fine to ask politely to keep it down. It’s ironic that often autistic people wear ear defenders because they can’t cope with noise but if you’re NT you’re expected to put up with it in the interests of #bekind.

Do you think this might be why you're feeling so upset about the child? Not so much because of what your DH did (which I actually think he was right to do, a child - whatever the possible disability (and presuming they had no lanyard or any other sign that they had a disability so how was DH to know) hasn't got the right to spoil everyone else's enjoyment) but because you are feeling a bit fragile too?

I'd give your DH a hug and tell him that you understand he's stressed. He should know that you're feeling it too.

Then go to work tomorrow. If anyone mentions the event, tell them that the noise was just too much for your DH in that moment. He was polite, it was a reasonable request. The boy is going to face a lot worse during his life.

Honestly no one else will remember or care.
The boy was probably fine after a bit and they probably haven't thought twice about it since. Why would you not work there again or go back? Perhaps you are a bit overwhelmed with everything more than you think and you'll feel better after a good night's sleep.

Indeed.

You are being very unfair on your husband and seem overly invested in the opinions of strangers.

You've totally overreacted. Your DH did nothing wrong. I hope he's OK.

You're really overreacting here.

They weren't in the Ivy and even if they were, and the teen was making noises, I bet if you went up and asked them to be quiet, people would look. It is not ok to tell other people to be quiet, I go in cafes and community cafes every week and these are not quiet places, they have kids in them, students working loudly, mums laughing, and in the type of place playing board games it is not quiet. Even in your high street Costa good luck with telling people to keep the noise down.

I feel like people like the opportunity to bash non-NT people for making more noise, but that often IS the disability, the inability to perceive social situations and in a community cafe this behaviour is going to be normally tolerated which is why everyone looked.

These things happen, I just wouldn't dwell on it.

You write that your husband has shown remorse and that's the main thing.

I am sure that your colleagues at the cafe understand that he is not himself at the moment and know that he is a kind person.

My son who has autism was very challenging in public, as a child. Please don't feel mortified, your husband was polite and it sounds like he was under duress. I have encountered far less kind responses in the past.

I can suggest loop earplugs though, they really help block out background noise for people who are stressed.

I agree with you OP. People were staring because the idea of a community cafe is to welcome those that aren't necessarily welcome elsewhere. The world can feel hostile when living with disabilities, and your husband should have been more tolerant.

However it wasn't you that made the comment. Go in and be your lovely self.

Many posters here are saying YABU - but you just keep coming back with reasons. Are you going to apologize to your poor husband?

He was autistic. His mum/carer said he had locked himself in the toilet to regulate himself.

Exactly. Several children in our family are ND, but they don't make noise like this, or if they did, we would take them out/somewhere that was a noisy place. Many cafes are, so we wouldn't go to a quiet one where we're disturbing others.

Your poor husband.

Not necessarily the staff staring. People stare when stuff happens. Some of that is just human nature.

I’ve found that community cafes near me have lots of older people and they do stare if there is anything remotely out of the ordinary happening (someone asks for a cake that they have ran out of for example).

I just think you are overthinking. You presumably picked the venue bc you work there but didn't factor in the possible noise levels, because you were distracted. I suspect you are feeling guilty, which is why you are ruminating, partly for having a go, partly for choosing the venue and partly because you are embarrassed as it is where you work.

DD is autistic (but not noisy with it to be honest) but as with any situation when you take your kids out in public, if they are being loud or demanding of a space you as a parent are fully prepared for someone not to like that. Most parents would have got over it as soon as their kid came back out. Kid knew what to do so it was a good example for him on how to deal with situations that will undoubtedly arise again if this is his behaviour style. It was an experience for everyone, not your issue to fix.

Did your husband apologise to the woman for upsetting the kid?

There’s no reason you shouldn’t go to the cafe tomorrow, this wasn’t about you.

Agree.

Reading the many many threads on MN where it's now frowned upon to so much as glance at yet alone complain if someone, be if DC or adults makes a noise when in a cafe/restaurant I can see why the OP feels as they do.

Your DH didn't do anything wrong OP, let's not normalise having to sit in silence with who ever we're out with due to fear of upsetting those that are being to loud and causing a nuisance.

I feel very sorry for your DH especially as you’ve had a go at him.

There is a limit to what anyone can tolerate and the lady looking after him should have read the room a bit and realised that he was causing distress to those around him for what sounds like a prolonged period. It sounds like they had finished eating and were playing games so that could have been done somewhere else.

If I were you I would apologise to your DH for having a go at him, and of course go for your shift.

Your H behaviour is fine - you are over reacting. Make it up to him.

Allow? Disabled people are allowed tk take up space in public. Would you have said it to a visibly disabled person in a wheelchair that was loudly vocalising? Nope

And OP would you husband have said anything if the Dad was there, no he would not. Or if it was a gang of teenagers? Nope. Women on their own out with their children are fair game to some men.

I’m with your DH, yes you expect some noise in a cafe especially when children are around but the boy’s mother should have made more effort to quieten things down.
If it was a toddler screaming everyone would be saying he should have been taken outside to calm down, well toddlers can’t help their behaviour either