AIBU to feel so absolutely mortified

[DoraSpenlow]

Just need to get this off my chest as I have no-one to talk to.Went for lunch today at our local community cafe. On the table next to us (there were no other tables before anyone says we could have moved) there was a young woman and a boy aged about 12 playing cards. The boy was being very loud. From his behaviour I automatically assumed autism. They finished the game and started another which seemed to involve slamming plastic discs down on the table. I admit it was quite irritating.

I could see DH was getting annoyed and as I went up to the counter to order dessert I whispered that yes it was annoying but please don't say anything. But no, he just had to, and I heard him say, excuse me but do you think you could keep the noise down a little, we can't hear our conversation. My heart sank. The boy ran off and locked himself in the toilet and everyone was looking at DH as if he was the worst man on earth.

He really is the kindest, gentlest man. Always there to help a mum getting a pushchair up steps or to offer an elderly person a steadying arm. In his defence he was not at his.most patient as we have had an awful few days. He has been undergoing tests for prostate cancer, his best friend has been dying and we heard this morning that he had died.

Since being home I have had a real go and he said he was sorry he didn't realise the boy's issue and it was not his intention to upset anyone. He just wanted a nice lunch with his wife after a crap few days and to relax a bit.

I am down to do a voluntary shift at the cafe tomorrow.morning and I just feel too embarrassed to go. Should I cancel?

You’ve probably embarrassed your husband who was polite, who’s feeling you care less about than strangers.

No, I wouldn’t cancel, and I wouldn’t have had a go at my husband. He was polite, and autism / neurodiversity isn’t some trump card.

So am I

Community café is a community café, if he wanted a deluxe experience, Im sure there are plenty of restaurants where he could have a nice quiet lunch. Clearly everyone in a café realised the boy had SN, why was the husband not able to realise it himself.

Imo if someone cannot keep the noise down in a public place, they should not be in the public place

Now you compinding your ridiculousness

The only eating out of the home options aren not community cafe or fine dining 😂

But I have to admire you special skill of being able to know what a room full of strangers we're thinking

Everyone realised AFTER DH spoke to him and he ran and locked himself in the toilet.

Some disabled children/adults are indeed incapable of being 'quiet' and it's very simplistic to imply that it has anything to do with respect. Some indeed can. Autism is a very broad spectrum. Obviously I imagine some people would love to go back to times where society was not inconvenienced by disabled people, sadly for them it's no longer the case.

If you understand what vile means then you should know that asking politely if loud noise could be toned down is not 'vile' behaviour.

As a grandmother of an autistic child, I know what the parents go through daily. You’re husband should hang his head in shame that he caused this distress to them

You are getting a hard time. I'm sorry. People are not wrong to say that your husband is having a hard time, but it sounds like you are too, and I understand your point of view. Go in tomorrow and I think all will be well.

You both deserve grace in this situation.

Just to reiterate that a community cafe, where there are volunteers, are usually places where you will find people with additional needs, so expectations around a quiet lunch, for example, need to be managed. It’s not the same as a usual cafe experience. Our local community cafe was run as a training programme for adults with additional needs. Going there implied supporting that community, and accepting that it was a safe space for other adults and children with additional needs.

In this case, no one was being unreasonable (other than, tbh, yourself), but if your DH was needing a quiet lunch, taking him there wasn’t the best call.

You should be supporting him, not be embarrassed by what strangers think or do.

No he shouldn’t, he didn’t intend to cause upset. Everyone has their own stuff going on in life, and he didn’t realise the kid was likely autistic. Mistakes happen, there’s no shame in that.

Have you considered that everyone else in the café (including you) has judged your husband unfairly?

They have looked at the visible characteristics of the boy and concluded he is likely to be autistic, but have just assumed your husband has no additional needs. In that moment, your husband did have certain needs/an impairment. This is why the ND/NT divide is unhelpful; both NT and ND people can have days where their normal mental functions are impaired for various reasons, the needs of ND people do not take priority automatically.

If it wasnt a board game cafe (I assume not as you were eating a proper meal?) then I think the level of noise was unreasonable from the other table. It doesnt matter that the boy was ND; it is the activity that was the problem. In a public space, it is not unreasonable to make polite requests of others to keep noise down.

What about the husband's distress on what was a very difficult day? He made a polite request for them to stop a noisy activity. An autistic person's needs do not automatically take precedence over someone else's needs!

Blimey, poor husband! You have been hugely unfair on him, and seem to care more about how others see you both than the fact he is going through a dreadful time.

I'd be inclined to emigrate.

You don't appear to mind upsetting your husband when he's going through the mill.

Maybe you should consider why you care more about complete strangers supposedly eyeballing him in a public place over a polite request to keep the noise down, than you do about his wellbeing.

You need to change your name and move to Brazil immediately.

Very, very good points.
Isn't it often the way, that as our social and cultural classifications become ever more sharply defined, and more mainstream too, they often hoist us by the ankles as if to remind us how such improvements can be a veritable trap, or prison, too.

Poor husband. You need to go and apologise.

To your husband.

No, he wasn't vile. Have some compassion - everyone is a bit in the wrong here, including the OP. The guy is going through his own dark time. (I remind you I have an autistic child so I know what is is like for parents of autistic children). Compassion flows both ways.