AIBU to feel so absolutely mortified

[DoraSpenlow]

Just need to get this off my chest as I have no-one to talk to.Went for lunch today at our local community cafe. On the table next to us (there were no other tables before anyone says we could have moved) there was a young woman and a boy aged about 12 playing cards. The boy was being very loud. From his behaviour I automatically assumed autism. They finished the game and started another which seemed to involve slamming plastic discs down on the table. I admit it was quite irritating.

I could see DH was getting annoyed and as I went up to the counter to order dessert I whispered that yes it was annoying but please don't say anything. But no, he just had to, and I heard him say, excuse me but do you think you could keep the noise down a little, we can't hear our conversation. My heart sank. The boy ran off and locked himself in the toilet and everyone was looking at DH as if he was the worst man on earth.

He really is the kindest, gentlest man. Always there to help a mum getting a pushchair up steps or to offer an elderly person a steadying arm. In his defence he was not at his.most patient as we have had an awful few days. He has been undergoing tests for prostate cancer, his best friend has been dying and we heard this morning that he had died.

Since being home I have had a real go and he said he was sorry he didn't realise the boy's issue and it was not his intention to upset anyone. He just wanted a nice lunch with his wife after a crap few days and to relax a bit.

I am down to do a voluntary shift at the cafe tomorrow.morning and I just feel too embarrassed to go. Should I cancel?

I think your husband was reasonable. He asked politely. The young lad might not be able to help speaking noisily, but a game involving slamming plastic discs onto a table isn't a good choice for a public place. The parent could at least have chosen something to play that didn't create noise in itself.

He was vile and she should absolutely not be supporting him.

No, he was not ‘vile’. Don’t make stuff up

But, bluntly, so what? You are his wife, and you know that he’s a good, gentle, well-disposed man whose nerves are currently rubbed raw from a number of difficult things. Also, he wasn’t rude or abrupt.

You should definitely cancel your shift tomorrow, OP. How else will you be able to drag out making this about you rather than supporting your poor husband?

If you don't want to be in the same place as people with disabilities then don't go to a community cafe. They are usually very inclusive and tolerant of all the community.

Which is more than can be said for some on this thread.

About your shift - you have no reason to cancel. Whatever anyone's opinion of your husband's conduct, he's an adult responsible for himself. You are not your husband's keeper.

We use this cafe a lot. It is 200 yards from home and does lovely food. It is extremely popular and for the last two Thursday's when we have gone there we have been unable to get a table. I volunteered there last Friday so while I was there I booked a table for today. From volunteering there I know it helps the permanent staff if, when it is busy, you let them know what you would like ahead of time so they can get things sorted, so I ordered two curries as it is one of our favourites. At the time I booked, we knew DH's friend was seriously ill. The bombshell was that we heard this morning that he had died.

I asked if DH still wanted to go to lunch and he decided that as we often find people we know are in there at the same time, he thought it would be a nice distraction. As it turned out there was no one there we knew today.

The way I see this is that your DH did nothing wrong. Fair enough to ask them to quieten down. Banging on the table would annoy me too. He didn't know how the boy would react, that's not his problem. That game wasn't appropriate to be played, whether the boy has additional needs or not.

This is sheer hyperbole.

Are you saying that disabled children are incapable of learning that they should try and moderate some behaviour when they’re in public out of respect for others?

Exactly this.

Absolutely. Where has acceptance & kindness gone? I'm kind to everyone I meet, modelling this to my child, but not everyone is kind to him. I thought we were past the 'Lock them away' mentality, but it appears not.

One of the worst times was when he was crying in a hospital outpatients after an upsetting procedure on his eyes (he could barely see). The parents & their judgemental stares because he's tall. The consultant tutted & complained that day because he wouldn't be still - he was frightened & is autistic. That was a cracker of a follow up email.

Honestly, people are so unfeeling.

No, he wasn't. He didn't say anything while they were playing cards, he tolerated the noise until they started slamming plastic discs on the table. What was the parent thinking of, starting a game like that in a cafe? Why didn't they continue with the quieter card game? The parent was being thoughtless and inconsiderate, including to her young son by not steering him towards something quieter.

Don't be ridiculous, unless you don't know what vile means no one could describe asking someone politely to do something as that

So what?
This second-hand embarrassment must be quite tedious. You didn't do anything and, frankly, your husband didn't do anything wrong either. I am even quite certain that nobody was really looking at you and if they were, they'd have forgotten about it already.
Go ahead and cancel your shift if you feel like it, although, it would seem more embarrassing to me to be letting the cafe down after you made a promise than whatever faux pas you think your husband committed.

I would have been disappointed too and sad for the kid, but it's over now - DH explained himself. The main thing is this is not typical behaviour of your DH and just happened as he was on edge. I don't think you need to mention it to the cafe or DH unless they bring it up.

It sounds like your husband was understandably very frayed already and it wasn't the right venue for someone feeling like that (I've lost very close friends and was in bloody bits, it is quite as bad as a family bereavement)

I'd suggest going in tomorrow, explaining why he was less tolerant than he would normally be and getting on with it.

In a community cafe id expect noise louder than usual, but if it was extremely loud then as long as your DH was polite, which it sounds like he was, then I think your reaction is very over the top.

I'm not sure you understand the meaning of the word vile if you're describing the OP's Dh this way.

I really hate how kids’ bad behaviour in public is so often assumed autism or ADHD so we get to put up with it for fear of upsetting someone, when a lot of the time it’s due to shitty parenting.

So what if the kid has issues? Parents should be teaching their kids to be thoughtful of people around them. Genuine behavioural needs or not, read the room if their kid’s behaviour is a nuisance to others.

Your husband shouldn’t be berated for something that used to be common sense.

Your concern that he had embarrassed you was greater than your concern that he's having a terrible time and politely asked for some excessive noise to be turned down a bit.

You not only failed to support your husband, then you attacked him at home, his own sanctuary, as well.

Poor bloody man.

Your husband’s actions are his, not yours. It always annoys me if people assume a couple are an amorphous blob with identical thoughts! Just explain if asked that your husband had suffered a bereavement and is sorry he upset the boy, and that you hadn’t intended on saying anything. Go and volunteer!

“They finished the game and started another which seemed to involve slamming plastic discs down on the table. I admit it was quite irritating.”

This choice of ‘game’ - and it was a choice - had nothing to do with being autistic. It is totally inconsiderate to go to a cafe and start slamming things on tables. And then repeat it again! This is an adult carer with one singular focus and no awareness or empathy for others. I’m with your husband.

Okay but that does not mean continued banging of a tavbe during a game is ok.
I also have a local community cafe with games etc for kids and adults to play. Been in loads at weekends and during the week and never seen or heard anyone playing a game which means they are continually loud/banging.
Why on earth do people feel its ok to not be aware of surroundings. Cafes aren't silent by any means but repetitive banging is not ok or necessary

He once asked a group of men at a sporting event to keep it down when they were being loud and making vile comments about women in the crowd, so no, it absolutely wasn't a case of it being a woman.