AIBU to feel so absolutely mortified

[DoraSpenlow]

Just need to get this off my chest as I have no-one to talk to.Went for lunch today at our local community cafe. On the table next to us (there were no other tables before anyone says we could have moved) there was a young woman and a boy aged about 12 playing cards. The boy was being very loud. From his behaviour I automatically assumed autism. They finished the game and started another which seemed to involve slamming plastic discs down on the table. I admit it was quite irritating.

I could see DH was getting annoyed and as I went up to the counter to order dessert I whispered that yes it was annoying but please don't say anything. But no, he just had to, and I heard him say, excuse me but do you think you could keep the noise down a little, we can't hear our conversation. My heart sank. The boy ran off and locked himself in the toilet and everyone was looking at DH as if he was the worst man on earth.

He really is the kindest, gentlest man. Always there to help a mum getting a pushchair up steps or to offer an elderly person a steadying arm. In his defence he was not at his.most patient as we have had an awful few days. He has been undergoing tests for prostate cancer, his best friend has been dying and we heard this morning that he had died.

Since being home I have had a real go and he said he was sorry he didn't realise the boy's issue and it was not his intention to upset anyone. He just wanted a nice lunch with his wife after a crap few days and to relax a bit.

I am down to do a voluntary shift at the cafe tomorrow.morning and I just feel too embarrassed to go. Should I cancel?

Horrible. Of you. Your poor husband!

That's a shame OP, and I don't think that's the right response from the manager.

That said, if I see teen boys out with their mums playing a board game in the day, I would think they may well have SN and are not in school for a reason.

I have had exactly this clash of needs at a local community cafe and it was awkward as no-one wanted to be the one to explain why the person was annoying others but others are annoyed.

I don't think the teen/mum was to blame, your husband was mildly out of order but not worthy of huge note and it's a shame that they have made you guilty by association.

I hope it all sorts out for you. Their response tells me though that what he did was noteworthy and not the social norm for this environment, and I do wonder why so many people on this thread are keen to see the policing of children in cafes especially if they have SN, it seems like some people are quite happy to have an opportunity to express their dissatisfaction with other parents, noise, disabled children, ND and so on. I can hear the undercurrent of 'it's all gone too far' and it's a little disturbing.

Your husband sounds like he's a gem normally and I wish you well for his treatment and am sorry you have had these losses. I would personally explain to the relative/messenger that he is grieving and very worried about his own health but that's up to you if you want to share that. I wouldn't let it go uncommented on myself.

Oh op I am so sorry the manager is treating you like this. You, nor your dh, deserve this. Your dh simply asked for then to quite down due to repetitive banging. I do not think that is a bad thing to do, regardless of disability or not.
I hope everything comes positive for you both next week.

He didn’t ’make’ the child do anything. He asked politely; he had no way of knowing what the child’s reaction would be.

RTHT from OP

Why ‘rather’ ‘people with disabilities’ than ‘disabled people’ ? The former is person first language, and latter is identity first language. Either is perfectly acceptable but in the UK ‘disabled people’ is a widely used and preferred term under the social model of disability, whereas ‘people with disabilities’ is an American term.

OP asked him not to say anything. She had already assumed that the child was disabled. He did anyway.

Depends on the noise to be honest. On a busy lunchtime why should everyone have to put up with significant disruptive noise levels no matter who is creating them

OP, sending you unMumsnetty hugs here.

I think you’re getting rough ride and some posters could do with showing a little more kindness. I don’t think your DH was in the wrong, but I can understand why you were frustrated with him. Emotions must be high in your home. The manager is being completely unprofessional. If you do talk to her, please don’t bow down and be overly apologetic. Explaining that DH didn’t realise the teen had additional needs, but that he also has a lot going on right now should be enough. You/he can apologise for misreading but do not apologise for anything else.

I feel sad for you both if that’s now become a place you feel you can’t/dont want to visit.

Why did you have a go at him?
He is allowed to ask someone if they could quieten downs The child’s reaction is not your husband’s fault.

I don't think he was wrong here. It's pretty antisocial to slam tables, ND or not and that's quite a different and more intrusive sound to someone just vocalising whilst playing cards.

She hadn’t communicated it to him that she thought he was autistic though, she’s explained this quite a bit.

What does the H stand for?

I think they mean hole but meant whole.

I actually think it may be. I've worked in organisations for years where volunteers are also a big part of what they do and in the ones I have been part of this could well have been raised as a concern, as OP was present with her husband.

I agree - who on earth turns down volunteers that live on the doorstep - if the café is overrun by volunteers, they can simply send her home - no buggy.
So the OP wasn't being as dramatic as some posters are claiming and this is the consequence.

OP, I think you should text the manager that your husband didn't mean to upset the parent as he didn't realise the child was autistic.
That your husband had just received very sad news and was a bit overwhelmed.

I hope things get better for you both soon with good news on monday.
Try not to upset yourself further.

Read them.
My point still stands.
She treated her husband horribly.

Some can, others can't or don't have a capacity to.
Interestingly, you talk about social norms and autistic people having to fit in, what about the other way round and NT people being more tolerant and open minded?