AIBU to feel so absolutely mortified

[DoraSpenlow]

Just need to get this off my chest as I have no-one to talk to.Went for lunch today at our local community cafe. On the table next to us (there were no other tables before anyone says we could have moved) there was a young woman and a boy aged about 12 playing cards. The boy was being very loud. From his behaviour I automatically assumed autism. They finished the game and started another which seemed to involve slamming plastic discs down on the table. I admit it was quite irritating.

I could see DH was getting annoyed and as I went up to the counter to order dessert I whispered that yes it was annoying but please don't say anything. But no, he just had to, and I heard him say, excuse me but do you think you could keep the noise down a little, we can't hear our conversation. My heart sank. The boy ran off and locked himself in the toilet and everyone was looking at DH as if he was the worst man on earth.

He really is the kindest, gentlest man. Always there to help a mum getting a pushchair up steps or to offer an elderly person a steadying arm. In his defence he was not at his.most patient as we have had an awful few days. He has been undergoing tests for prostate cancer, his best friend has been dying and we heard this morning that he had died.

Since being home I have had a real go and he said he was sorry he didn't realise the boy's issue and it was not his intention to upset anyone. He just wanted a nice lunch with his wife after a crap few days and to relax a bit.

I am down to do a voluntary shift at the cafe tomorrow.morning and I just feel too embarrassed to go. Should I cancel?

I think your husband was in the wrong. It's a community cafe? That sounds like the sort of place that will have kids and families and noise in it...its not a candlelit restaurant in the evening. I understand he's having a bad time but the general public don't know that and don't owe him quiet in public.

In every cafe, there will be people who are bereaved, tired, upset cos their husband is a shit, worried, anxious, suffering mental health difficulties and so on. These are public places. It's not reasonable to gauge the MH of those in the cafe, nor for those who are upset to try to make others be quieter.

Why try to make it seem like it's the norm to police noisy children when it isn't?

I have every sympathy for the OP's husband, I've also been bereaved early in life and had many tragedies and sat in cafes feeling simply awful, but asking others to know that or adapt to that or to inhibit their over-excited disabled kids playing a game in a community space staffed by volunteers, nope. The OP's husband needs a hug, and to move on, but it was out of order which is why thee OP is mortified, unlike most on here, she read the social situation correctly.

My husband is currently having tests for prostate cancer and its absolutely killing me. I'd literally fight anyone on his behalf right now ... I cannot believe you're having a go at him for politely asking someone to turn the volume down in public.
You're supposed to support him. Why aren't you???

I don't think its a case of "telling off" or even speaking to anyone's kids - but you can certainly ask an adult who is responsible for a child to change something about their behaviour (and do so politely). I've asked adults to ask their children not to touch my stuff/not to kick my seat/to leave my baby alone.

The underlying point it's not unreasonable to ASK for something to be done in a quieter manner. As I said before, it isnt necessarily unreasonable for that request not to be complied with.

But making this all about centring the child's needs, and expecting someone to know about those needs and put their own equally valid needs aside, is just silly.

Yes I was thinking that too. There may well have been others in there whose disability meant that the noise level was painful to experience and process but who may not have been able or willing to interact to request a change.

DH really isn't the awful, "mortifying" human being the OP initially painted him to be, and didn't deserve the OP "having a go at him" at home afterwards. Poor bloke.

Yep, this too. The post "I felt embarrassed that everyone else was looking at him as if he had been going round kicking puppies." where the OP seems to align herself with everybody else and their feelings rather than with her DH whom she knows has been going through so much. That's sad.

Politely asking someone to keep the noise down is absolutely fine.
Your poor DH sounds like he is having a really bad time and I wonder from your over reaction if you are too? Be kind to him and to yourself.

I wouldn't have said anything, but to be honest, regardless of the child's autism, a cafe isn't the place to play loud games involving slamming things onto tables. People are trying to relax. It's not the child's fault, but the adult(s) caring for him should either find a quieter entertainment for him or wrap things up and leave rather than play repeated rounds of noisy games.

If the people running the community cafe are this ridiculous, you're better off volunteering elsewhere.

Why on earth would you have a go at your husband about a perfectly normal, reasonable interaction? He's done nothing wrong. I feel really sorry for him!

Did you apologise to your husband. Why is he feeling upset, you should have reassured him. You come across as so heartless.

This.

My last words on the matter.

I absolutely support DH. He is my love, my life and reason to be. I have been there every step of the way at appointments and trying to keep his spirits up.

Yes, I was cross with him because he ignored me when I asked him not to say anything because I suspected ND. I should have explained properly at the time why I thought he shouldn't say anything and yes I was embarrassed anyone would think badly of my wonderful, kind, gentle man. That was my fault, I overreacted and I have apologised more than once and he is OK with it albeit unhappy that he caused any unintentional offence.

It is called the community cafe because it was set up in our village community centre. There are two part time paid employees and the rest are volunteers. All profits after paying staff, etc, go back to the community centre for general upkeep and putting on events. It was not set up with any specific group in mind.

It is unusual to see older children in there at lunchtimes during term time. Some young mums with small children, pensioners and visitors to an English Heritage property nearby.

My neighbour who also volunteers there called in to see me after her shift this morning. Yes, the manager is upset with us. The Mum and her son were relatives of hers and they have told her they no longer feel welcome there, so yes, she is pissed. I am guilty by aasociation, thus my cancelled shift this afternoon. Yes, I am upset because I really enjoyed helping out there and it was something I could do without having to drive there. I have not told DH. He was out this afternoon with a friend so he won't know and I have asked our neighbour not to say anything to him.

That's it. I'm done.

Thanks for that. I feel so much better.

@DoraSpenlow you have got a hard time on this thread. Just explain your DH has got some health issues and it is unusual for him.

That's rough OP. In of itself I don't think your OH did anything wrong but I can see how it's put you in a difficult position here. It sounds like you were on thin ice with the owners of this place.

Yes, the manager is upset with us. The Mum and her son were relatives of hers

Oh tell her to fuck off.

Honestly, cancelling a volunteer's shift because someone pissed her family off is very petty and unprofessional.

In fact, I think I'd be reporting her to her manager for that.

I think the manager is absolutely out of order. Firstly the request to be quieter wasn't unreasonable in the first place and then the request was nothing to do with you. This sounds extremely unprofessional environment to try and volunteer in. I would be inclined to lodge a formal complaint about your treatment if you don't plan on staying there.

At least read the OP's posts - all of them - before being so nasty. I'm sorry for what you are going through, been there myself, but don't take it out on someone also in turmoil. Hope it goes ok for your dh.

That is very spiteful of the manager op. You are probably better off not working with someone like that even if it doesnt feel like that now. Your poor DH, I do hope he doesn't find out.

Bloody hell OP I can't believe how badly people are responding to you. I honestly think people take in about a quarter of the words in front of them before deciding they understand completely and give judgement.
I'm also shocked at the cafe manager's actions. Don't let her get away with it. At the very least, I would be confiding in other volunteers at the way you have been treated and what you are both going through. If you decide not to go back, I agree with a pp that you should raise a complaint against her. It's outrageous.

Hopefully you have moved on to just feeling annoyed at the manager for her unfair treatment and lack of understanding. The cafe is for the community, not just her family, and it’s an abuse of power to cancel volunteers for shitty reasons like this.

The mother and the manager are both very unreasonable people and should be ashamed; their behaviour is bullying and I think you should let the manager and other volunteers know this.

Whilst I didn't agree with your reaction to your husband, I do feel for you as you are both going through a hard time and you are now being punished by association for something that wasn't even an unreasonable action by your DH. I am sorry this isn't going to be a small issue that is easily forgotten 💐

The manager should be speaking to you in person and asking about the incident privately rather than gossiping with staff/neighbours.

Please don’t break your heart over this. Your husband asked politely, he wasn’t aware of the child’s challenges and the manager is not aware of yours.

Give yourself some grace.

Yes, I was cross with him because he ignored me when I asked him not to say anything because I suspected ND.

But it's not for you to tell your DH what he can and can't say, let alone get cross with him. He didn't do anything wrong.

It's your reaction which has blown the whole thing out of proportion and got you both crying over it.

Well done OP. Good to be moving. Sometimes these things annoy us. You are doing a grand job in helping out in the community.