AIBU to feel so absolutely mortified

[DoraSpenlow]

Just need to get this off my chest as I have no-one to talk to.Went for lunch today at our local community cafe. On the table next to us (there were no other tables before anyone says we could have moved) there was a young woman and a boy aged about 12 playing cards. The boy was being very loud. From his behaviour I automatically assumed autism. They finished the game and started another which seemed to involve slamming plastic discs down on the table. I admit it was quite irritating.

I could see DH was getting annoyed and as I went up to the counter to order dessert I whispered that yes it was annoying but please don't say anything. But no, he just had to, and I heard him say, excuse me but do you think you could keep the noise down a little, we can't hear our conversation. My heart sank. The boy ran off and locked himself in the toilet and everyone was looking at DH as if he was the worst man on earth.

He really is the kindest, gentlest man. Always there to help a mum getting a pushchair up steps or to offer an elderly person a steadying arm. In his defence he was not at his.most patient as we have had an awful few days. He has been undergoing tests for prostate cancer, his best friend has been dying and we heard this morning that he had died.

Since being home I have had a real go and he said he was sorry he didn't realise the boy's issue and it was not his intention to upset anyone. He just wanted a nice lunch with his wife after a crap few days and to relax a bit.

I am down to do a voluntary shift at the cafe tomorrow.morning and I just feel too embarrassed to go. Should I cancel?

So if you had noisy disabled children you would prevent them from having a life in public settings?

This.
Grief is a confusing emotion, usually for everyone involved. Everyone grieves differently, and it has a nasty tendency to make people erratic, and impulsive.

Ultimately, grief evolves into sadness, but before that, it’s rather chaotic.
Finding out your best friend died THAT MORNING, is a massive thing! He’d be a unique human, if he could just continue the rest of his day, completely normally.

He sounds like he was very polite, and it’s unfortunate that it caused a scene.
Though, if the incident is brought up again, I am positive people will understand, if you explain what was happening behind the scenes.

Whatever you do, please don’t cancel your shift tomorrow. That won’t erase what happened, and it will just make it stressful for the cafe to find last minute cover.

This is SO silly. Get a grip

You were way out of order. Whether the boy had a disability or not is a red herring. They were in a public space and the mum should be more aware of the noise they were making. That was not an appropriate game to play when others are there. A cafe is not the place to be making that amount of noise. I'd have said something as well
For you then to go home and have a massive go at your husband is unbelievable. I feel sorry for him that you are more concerned about others opinions than your husbands well being.

YABU to think of cancelling your shift at the cafe, why would you do that?
YABU to have a go at your husband, you know what his character is like, you know he's a decent, kind man and you know that he asked politely. You seem more worried about the opinions of others than your husband who's going through a hard time. He didn't do anything wrong by asking politely.

I think you should apologise to your husband, I feel very sorry for him. He doesn't need your judgement on top of everything else he's going through.

I think this is fine.

Don't be daft, of course you should go. This is the normal stuff of life. Your husband is stressed and wanting a bit of peace, someone else also has stuff going on (autism etc) and they had a moment of two worlds clashing -no big deal.

The autistic child and carer need to understand that the world does not revolve around them (I say that as a parent of an autistic child) and your husband maybe needs to consider that maybe people aren't being deliberately annoying and there may be other stuff going on for them that he doesn't know about.

Give your husband a break here, he sounds like he is having a really tough time.

Yes, he still did it because he's an adult with autonomy.

It gave you no right to have a go at him.

And all he did was ask politely anyway. You're the one who turned it into a big deal.

Strong agree.

DS3 is autistic, & whilst not loud, can exhibit silly behaviour akin to a much younger child. The fact he's 14 & the height of his dad means so many people STARE. It's so rude, as if he's not 'allowed' to take up space/ be seen. It makes me so sad.

Community cafes have board games, toys, books, children and teens playing games is normal, there are dogs. People on laptops usually wear headphones for this reason. In two of ours, people with disabilities work as volunteers, they may put the trays down more forcefully or say things that are quite loud.

OP, you are both upset. He did something uncharacteristic; have some empathy for him and just explain tomorrow.

Yes, allow. She was playing cards with him and therefore clearly encouraging the behaviour. And yes, I would also have said something if the dad had been there!

Stop trying to make this about sexism. Parents have a responsibility to control their kids and ensure that they aren’t causing a nuisance to other people, who have the right to enjoy the cafe experience that they are paying for. Whether or not they have a disability is totally irrelevant.

I feel ever so sorry for your DH.

No words really beyond that.

Your husband is also a person with needs and feelings. He asked politely.

We had pre-booked and pre-ordered our main course before the latest bombshell.

Sorry, OP - I don’t know what this means. Could you explain it please a bit more? Do you mean you rang up in advance or went online and booked and ordered your main course at the community café? Was the ‘latest bombshell’ what your husband said to the boy and him mum? What was the prior bombshell?

I feel sorry for your husband and for his loss of his friend. I hope he feels a bit better soon.

I'd feel the same as you. It would be embarrassing going to volunteer in a community cafe the day after your DH upset a disabled child in there. Do the others who work/volunteer there know what your DH has been through? They may be more understanding if they do.

Presumably the latest bombshell was the friend dieing this morning

It's unfortunate that the child reacted in that way due to his SN.

But the DH has nothing to apologise for.

A community cafe is surely meant to welcome all. Your DH was in the wrong.

Your husband was perfectly reasonable. I expect a lot of people were thinking exactly the same. Having a special need doesn't trump everything else.

It’s just polite to apologise for upsetting someone. He didn’t intend to upset anyone but unfortunately he did. If I didn’t realise a child was autistic and asked them to be quiet and upset them, it’d just be natural to apologise to the mum.

Wow
so you’re more bothered by what strangers might or might not think than you are by how you made your own husband feel after he’s had a tough time

you owe him an apology but I’m not sensing one is coming…

From your post, it seems that your husband was polite in asking. He didn't shout, demand, intimidate or be rude. Yes, you figured the boy is likely Autistic but your husband didn't. Your husband couldn't have predicted the boys reaction either. He made a simple, reasonable, polite request.

If the truth be known, there were probably a few people sat there, feeling quietly irritated by the boy's noise, but didn't say anything. This young boy's Autism doesn't trump your husband's or anyone else's enjoyment of the café. Yes, it's hard having an Autistic child, but if he's in a café and it's clear he's being noisy, then his parent should be asking him to be quieter.

I visit cafes probably three times a week. I see noisy toddlers or too loud school kids after 3.3pm all the time. I've never seen anyone asking them to be quiet or take them out, ever. Mumsnetters might wish they went round policing small children and disabled teens, but I bet they don't. People who are fed up usually huff and roll their eyes. Quite funnily, the last time I saw a table of older people complaining about three young children taken out by their mum on her own, probably a single mum, the complainers were more audible than the children. They didn't complain to her either; they moaned loudly so everyone else could hear. My daughter and I chuckled over this.

Going into cafes calls for tolerance, the OP's husband was feeling sensitive, he didn't do anything terrible, and I'd give him a hug OP.

Stronger language than I used, but yes, this

I've voted YABU but only if you don't turn up to your shift. That would be leaving them in the lurch and much worse than anything else that has happened.

I also seem be going against the grain here, and agree your husband shouldn't have said anything. An autistic child playing a bit too loudly in a community cafe seems reasonable.