MIL Christmas dilemma – AIBU to not want DH spending most of Christmas Day driving?

[Foxy200]

I’m really struggling with this and could do with some outside opinions.
MIL is in her 80s, lives about two hours away, doesn’t drive and has been on her own since FIL died 15 years ago. DH is an only child, so realistically we are the only family she has at Christmas.
She is extremely introverted and has always found staying anywhere other than her own home very difficult. She doesn’t particularly like coming to ours and can only really cope with being around people for a couple of hours.
Historically, when she comes for Christmas, she wants DH to collect her late on Christmas Eve and take her home first thing on Boxing Day. With the driving there and back twice, DH ends up spending about five hours of Christmas on the road.
This year my parents are coming to us. MIL has never spent Christmas with us when they are here. There’s no falling out and she doesn’t dislike them — she just finds having other people around very difficult — so I strongly suspect she will decide to stay at home.
Normally I would think that was entirely her choice.
The complication is that when she has stayed at home in previous years, she sometimes hasn’t answered the phone all day and has even unplugged it. DH then becomes so worried that he drives two hours there to check she is OK and two hours back. On the occasions this has happened, she has been absolutely fine.
However, this year we are also concerned that she may be developing dementia and are waiting for an assessment. She is increasingly forgetful and there have been occasions when she hasn’t remembered who we are. So I completely understand why DH is worried about leaving her alone.
DH is now suggesting that if she won't come to us, he drives up on Christmas Day, spends a couple of hours with her and drives home. Realistically he could be gone for six or seven hours.
And this is where I’m struggling.
I don't want to be horrible about an elderly woman potentially developing dementia, and if this were my mum I know I would be worried too. But I also don't think the answer can be that DH spends a huge chunk of every Christmas driving around the country.
She is invited to ours. We genuinely want her to come and would make her welcome. She could have a quiet room to retreat to and wouldn't be expected to sit socialising all day. But if she decides she would rather stay at home, should DH then miss most of Christmas Day to go to her?
The other thing I'm struggling with is that even if DH agrees not to go, I'm not sure how any of us actually enjoy Christmas.
My parents will be here, but if MIL is at home alone and not answering the phone, DH will spend the day worrying about whether she's OK. I'll know he's worrying and I'll feel guilty trying to enjoy myself with my parents while he's anxious about his mum. We'll potentially spend Christmas Day waiting to see whether she answers the phone and wondering whether DH is going to end up getting in the car anyway.
So it feels as though whatever we do, Christmas ends up revolving around MIL.
There is also some history that probably affects how I feel about this. DH had a very difficult childhood and left home at 16. From 16 until he met me at 29, MIL essentially left him to spend Christmases without her. I have to admit I find it hard not to feel some resentment that our family Christmases now revolve around making sure she isn't alone when she didn't seem to have the same concern about him when he was young.
At the same time, she's his mum. She's elderly, she's alone and she may have dementia. I absolutely don't want DH sitting at home worrying that something has happened to her, or feeling terrible if he doesn't go. And if this were my own mum, I suspect I'd feel exactly as he does.
We also have an 11-year-old son, and I feel quite sad at the thought of his dad disappearing for most of Christmas Day. There aren't that many childhood Christmases left.
I'm starting to think the real issue is that we need some way of knowing MIL is safe without DH having to drive four hours every time she doesn't answer her phone. If she is becoming unsafe to be left alone, then obviously this is much bigger than Christmas and we need a proper plan for her care.
But in the meantime I don't know what the answer is.
If she comes to us, she will be unhappy because my parents are here and she finds being around people overwhelming.
If she stays at home, DH will worry about her.
If DH goes to see her, he misses most of Christmas with us and our son.
And if he stays home but spends the whole day worrying about her, I'm not sure any of us will enjoy Christmas anyway.
AIBU to feel that we can't keep doing this every Christmas? And what would you actually do in our situation?

I think that your DH needs to do what he feels comfortable with. It's not a great situation but it's his decision to make.

You support your husband in what he wants to do. Obviously it would be better if she would come to you, but if she doesn’t then it’s up to your DH what he wants to do and your job to support that.

It sounds really manipulative that she wont answer the phone on Christmas day and even unplugs it. I feel for you, this is an awful dilemma and its no wonder you feel resentful

She can come to you, or stay at home alone and your husband can go and see her on Christmas Eve or Boxing Day. If your husband leaves your son all day at Christmas to pander to her wants, he's not much of a dad.

"From 16 until he met me at 29, MIL essentially left him to spend Christmases without her"

So clearly Christmas doesn't matter much to her. She'll be fine.

His child's needs trump his mother's wants.

This sounds really difficult by your DH has to do what He feels is right
it won’t be a forever situation from the sounds of it, can the GP expedite her appointment perhaps? Then at least you’d have a better idea x

What does she do the rest of the time? Essentially Christmas is just another day. Could you have his mums Christmas on Boxing Day instead.

I think I would be insisting that she come to you (you can make things as quiet/distanced as she needs, no expectations that she socialize), or that your DH put an Alexa or some sort of nanny cam in her house. She can’t hold your family hostage (not suggesting she’s trying to but that’s the net result of her actions).

Just out of curiosity what is happening daily at the moment?
Does your husband call each day?
Would she consent to cameras/assistive technology in the property?

I think your DH needs to do want he wants really.

The real issue is the dementia care.

And I don’t think this is entirely your DH’s decision. It’s your family Christmas, too. You have a son together.

Why not have her come for Xmas eve instead of Xmas day? Would your DH be more reassured if he'd spent a Christmassy few hours with her on the 'wrong' day?

I agree if she switches the phone off she's not that fussed (or is manipulating).

Can you set up a camera ? Pay some to go & check on her ?

The unplugging the phone is very manipulative & she should have been reprimanded for this before now.

She sounds a very difficult woman.

Could you make Boxing Day your Christmas Day instead? That way your DH can see his mum, but it doesn’t ruin ‘christmas’

(we’ve done this a few times for various reasons such as work, and if you’re not religious it works perfectly fine, it really does feel like Christmas!)

I think DH needs to put his own DS first. Poor DS barely gets a mention in all of that concern for MIL.

She sounds selfish and manipulative. I think your husband needs therapy to help him set healthy boundaries tbh.

If you've got the money, I'd book an Airbnb near MiL, big enough for your parents to stay too, and then MiL can come for Christmas lunch and then go home easily.
Or bring her to yours on Christmas Eve as planned, and be clear in advance that that is what's happening.
It is not fair to expect DH to be driving around for most of Christmas day, and as you say, there is your son to consider. But I think leaving her at her own house, even if she says that's what she wants, isn't going to work. I think you can say, "look, you turned off your phone and DH had to miss his Christmas with DS to come and check on you. We can't have that happening again, so you're coming to us".
Turning off her phone does sound deliberate.

I lost all sympathy for her when you described her earlier lack of care, nay neglect, of her own child around Christmas time.

This is how she chooses to be. You need to have a firm word with your DH and tell him to break the pattern and prioritise his own child at Christmas.

Disagree with other posters. If she makes the decision to not attend then that's on her. I also wouldn't appreciate her turning the phone off and causing needless worry. If dh is so keen to spend some Xmas with her can he not go xmas eve or boxing day?

You've offered to accommodate her and her wants but you can't please all of the people all of the time.

No, sod this. If she wants to stay at homes let her. And have a frank conversation that you want a carer or somebody to go and see her that day if her choice is to be alone. Does DH worry every other day of the year in the same way he does on Christmas day? Does he ring her every day? Does she respond every day? If not,then maybe he shouldn't let it bother him on Christmas day?

It's beyond ridiculous that he would drive to her and back on Christmas day. It's ridiculous enough that he would drive to get her Christmas eve and drive her back boxing morning. I can't understand it at all.

And forget the rest of his familys christmas?

If she has got to the stage where she doesn’t know who you are she has probably got to the stage where she would struggle being anywhere but her home.

Why is christmas worse than any other day in terms of getting in touch with her? Is that just through her own actions of purposely making herself unreachable?

If she is purposely unplugging her phone on years where she's not with you, is she doing this on purpose as she knows your DH will drive up?

I'd be pushing hard for her to come to stay and I disagree with the comments that it's all about your DH and what he wants to do. You are a family with a child and it's Christmas Day - he needs to be realistic. His mum needs to come and stay if he knows she will cause stress by purposely not answering his calls/making him stress.

Can you all go up and stay nearby or have a long day and come hime after boxing day? A sort of quiet second christmas, arrange an M&S food delivery, a few gifts?

She obviously likes being alone, its just another 2 days- can your dh treat it as just another weekend he doesnt see his mum? She doesnt want to come, respect it and dont try calling if you know she wont answer. She can call you. Tell her upfront.

Your dh is needed at home by his family ie you and ds. He should not go. She chooses to be alone at christmas. Respect it, but have the christmas he wants for his family. There. Everyone happy.

Could you pay for a carer to visit for the days over Christmas? Would she tolerate it?

As others have suggested - a welfare camera?

Air BnB near you where she could come for a few hours to yours and retreat when she wishes?

It's really sad that your DH is missing his sons childhood Christmases, we get so few.
Your MiL sounds like she's always been, and continues to be very self centred.

The dementia has all come about very suddenly. We've made massive progress in terms of getting assessment and putting some things in place over the last month, but it's all very new and MIL is not accepting that there is any issue. She is functioning but is very forgetful and vulnerable. We have bought camera's but there was no way she would accept them going up. I think by xmas they will be in place, but just trying to approach is gently with her as she is very stubborn.