MIL Christmas dilemma – AIBU to not want DH spending most of Christmas Day driving?

[Foxy200]

I’m really struggling with this and could do with some outside opinions.
MIL is in her 80s, lives about two hours away, doesn’t drive and has been on her own since FIL died 15 years ago. DH is an only child, so realistically we are the only family she has at Christmas.
She is extremely introverted and has always found staying anywhere other than her own home very difficult. She doesn’t particularly like coming to ours and can only really cope with being around people for a couple of hours.
Historically, when she comes for Christmas, she wants DH to collect her late on Christmas Eve and take her home first thing on Boxing Day. With the driving there and back twice, DH ends up spending about five hours of Christmas on the road.
This year my parents are coming to us. MIL has never spent Christmas with us when they are here. There’s no falling out and she doesn’t dislike them — she just finds having other people around very difficult — so I strongly suspect she will decide to stay at home.
Normally I would think that was entirely her choice.
The complication is that when she has stayed at home in previous years, she sometimes hasn’t answered the phone all day and has even unplugged it. DH then becomes so worried that he drives two hours there to check she is OK and two hours back. On the occasions this has happened, she has been absolutely fine.
However, this year we are also concerned that she may be developing dementia and are waiting for an assessment. She is increasingly forgetful and there have been occasions when she hasn’t remembered who we are. So I completely understand why DH is worried about leaving her alone.
DH is now suggesting that if she won't come to us, he drives up on Christmas Day, spends a couple of hours with her and drives home. Realistically he could be gone for six or seven hours.
And this is where I’m struggling.
I don't want to be horrible about an elderly woman potentially developing dementia, and if this were my mum I know I would be worried too. But I also don't think the answer can be that DH spends a huge chunk of every Christmas driving around the country.
She is invited to ours. We genuinely want her to come and would make her welcome. She could have a quiet room to retreat to and wouldn't be expected to sit socialising all day. But if she decides she would rather stay at home, should DH then miss most of Christmas Day to go to her?
The other thing I'm struggling with is that even if DH agrees not to go, I'm not sure how any of us actually enjoy Christmas.
My parents will be here, but if MIL is at home alone and not answering the phone, DH will spend the day worrying about whether she's OK. I'll know he's worrying and I'll feel guilty trying to enjoy myself with my parents while he's anxious about his mum. We'll potentially spend Christmas Day waiting to see whether she answers the phone and wondering whether DH is going to end up getting in the car anyway.
So it feels as though whatever we do, Christmas ends up revolving around MIL.
There is also some history that probably affects how I feel about this. DH had a very difficult childhood and left home at 16. From 16 until he met me at 29, MIL essentially left him to spend Christmases without her. I have to admit I find it hard not to feel some resentment that our family Christmases now revolve around making sure she isn't alone when she didn't seem to have the same concern about him when he was young.
At the same time, she's his mum. She's elderly, she's alone and she may have dementia. I absolutely don't want DH sitting at home worrying that something has happened to her, or feeling terrible if he doesn't go. And if this were my own mum, I suspect I'd feel exactly as he does.
We also have an 11-year-old son, and I feel quite sad at the thought of his dad disappearing for most of Christmas Day. There aren't that many childhood Christmases left.
I'm starting to think the real issue is that we need some way of knowing MIL is safe without DH having to drive four hours every time she doesn't answer her phone. If she is becoming unsafe to be left alone, then obviously this is much bigger than Christmas and we need a proper plan for her care.
But in the meantime I don't know what the answer is.
If she comes to us, she will be unhappy because my parents are here and she finds being around people overwhelming.
If she stays at home, DH will worry about her.
If DH goes to see her, he misses most of Christmas with us and our son.
And if he stays home but spends the whole day worrying about her, I'm not sure any of us will enjoy Christmas anyway.
AIBU to feel that we can't keep doing this every Christmas? And what would you actually do in our situation?

But at the same time not everything an old person does is because of dementia and she hasn't actually been diagnosed.

At 85 when you don’t recognise your family at times or mistake them for other people - it’s can be capgras syndrome - my mum couldn’t get her head round me not being teenager sometimes or how we wererelated . 6 months later she did . She didn’t classically forget me . Believe me that’s dementia !for her it was vascular - blood flow to the brain

Right. For example, her son's life was so shit he moved out at age 16, and then spent Christmas alone until he was 29.

Being old and sick doesn't mean she gets to ruin her grandson's Christmas. It didn't bother her not to see dh then, she'll be fine with a carer on Christmas day if she doesn't want to take them up on their generous invitation of a quiet room to herself and a day with OPs family.

Why is Xmas day any different to any other day? How do you know shes safe now, or November 24? If she can be alone from now until Christmas , she can choose to be alone on the day. Why would he need to check on her only on that day?

You probably need to get daily carers in for her.

a half hour care visit 5 years ago was in the region of £30 . Full time care in the home on Christmas Day I can tell you was a lot lot more. I dread to think what it is now - if the MIL has dementia her decision making skills are likely up the spout . She won’t take up any offer. My mum was similar -she knew who the prime minister was , the year just about till the last six months but sometimes thought she lived in duplicate house or the cupboard was a lift . The op and her husband need to get their head round this . Kindly if you’ve not been there you don’t get it ! You try and put in all these practical solutions / let the elderly person have autonomy but it doesn’t work no matter how you try . There’s so much misunderstanding of what an 85 year old with a likely diagnosis of dementia is . You just do your best .

Would she accept a camera or two in the house ' for security' so dh could check in on she even if she won't answer the phone?

Could he drive down Xmas eve stay over see her early then drive back to a merrier christmas at home?

Difficult one. Especially with the dementia looming.

It’s your DH’s decision, whatever the backstory. You and your DH will hopefully have many happy christmases ahead of you, his mum may not. Your 11 year old will understand that his dad has to look after his grandma, a good and important lesson.

I think a previous poster is correct; she’s not at any more risk on Christmas Day than she is tomorrow, or a random Wednesday in November or any other day over the Christmas period.

I don’t blame you for feeling some resentment towards her. But this situation is only going to escalate. Even if she doesn’t have dementia, she’s not going to get any younger and her memory isn’t going to get any better. This isn’t something that is going to get any better so things need to be put in place now, because she’s going to be unable to live independently for very long if she doesn’t have dementia. If I’m being honest, I don’t think I’d give her the option of whether she had the cameras up or not. I’d have them fitted while DH is taking her off to a doctor’s appointment or to the garden centre. I’d also arrange for carers well before Christmas and start looking into care homes now.

And she gets a say too, being that it adversely affects their child and her family life.

But certainly yes, her dh needs to sort out carers and other supports starting today, since he has a family to think of and can't just be driving for hours at a time if his mother isn't answering her phone.

The situation is not, in any way, sustainable, and Christmas Day doesn't actually matter - particularly since her husband had to leave home at 16 and spent his Christmases without his mother till he was 29. Clearly spending Christmas with her son isn't important to her, which makes things far easier.

The wider issue is he can't keep driving for hours at at time and his mother needs support and carers. And he should be making decisions about that right now, starting today, as she may have declined considerably by Christmas.

Yup - I probably failed mine many times - missed quite a few school& nursery runs, plays because I was sat in a&e or on geriatric dementia wards ward ( they are fun fun fun at 3am admissions ) I had no.choice . my DH picked up the pieces and supported me . He certainly didn’t ask for that when he married me . We got through it . He resented it too and I felt guilty and desperate and torn ! Thanks for the reminder of that awful time . But I did right by my relative . I didn’t do it because I was a saint and as I pointed out my dm was not an easy person All I’ll say is trying walking in another person shoes . Telling people they are failing the other members of their family when they are trying to right by the elderly parent whatever the history is something thousands of people are going through right now . You have no idea and you are wrong to say that imo

Two thoughts would she come to your house for Xmas lunch and after a couple of hours DH to drive her to a nearby to your house Travel Inn where she could stay alone. DH could drive back later in evening and spend an hour with her. He could drive her home Boxing Day. That way he'd get to spend some of Xmas day with you and his ds. Second thought could DH drive up to spend Xmas Eve with his Mum then drive back home to you to be home by about 11am. There is not much traffic about Xmas day. I've driven from Midlands to Devon to see my parents and from Midlands to Yorkshire to see pil and virtually saw no traffic on motorways at all. Would any of those ideas work?

Yep the child's needs trump the mother's wants. Particularly being she was unbothered about her son spending Christmas alone after he had to leave home at 16, and until the age of 29.

This shows Christmas with her son does not, actually, matter to her. Which is great, as it makes the decision not to ruin his son's Christmas day far easier.

Dh needs to be sorting out carers and support for her right now. Obviously he can't just keep driving for hours at a time every time she does not answer the phone, that is completely unsustainable.

Christmas is actually a red herring here, Christmas day with her son didn't matter to her for 13 years, when she was in her full faculties so it's not a priority now. The issue is getting supports in place, right now.

Then she can spend the day with a carer if she doesn't want to take up the OPs generous offer of a quiet room to herself and the day with OPs family.

Could you ring the local Age UK or similar and see what ideas they might have, as they will know more about what is available locally. Even if a check in carer would cost more on Christmas Day, it may well be worth it so that your DH has peace of mind and can see her later on that week. And they can facilitate a phone call from her to him as well.

There maybe some local community group which does Christmas Lunch for the elderly with volunteers and taxis etc.. and then your DH could go either before or after Xmas Day... Your son deserves to have him around.

But it does sound like he may need to set up a carer coming in to check on her now.. as a pp said, things can suddenly spiral, so its best to be prepared.

Has your DH got power of Attorney?If not it's worth checking with a legal expert if he can still set one up, it makes life so much easier (ie hasn't had a formal diagnosis yet, or in early stages but can still respond to various tests - I'm not an expert so best to get advice)

It's hard and I do sympathise @Foxy200

Can you gift her a hotel or air BnB weekend near to you as her Christmas present?

Yes, that's what I was thinking - what happens the rest of the year OP? Does your DH drive to see his mum every week, how does she manage now day to day, would carers coming in now be appropriate? It's a good while till Xmas Day, you might need to be looking at the bigger picture rather than micro focusing on one day.

The thing you dont say is what your MIL herself wants to happen on christmas day?
But ultimately christmas is the least of your mil problems.I would hazard thst if your MIL is at the stage of not being able to remember who her own son , her dementia is pretty advanced.Is she still safe living at home alone?

I agree driving up and down motorways is stressful or sustainable

However “getting a carer “for the day is not a neat solution if she won’t take up the offer

. You’re looking at the best part of £500 upwards on Christmas and this lady has cognitive decline

. For example I once sat with my mothers gp with my mother together as I wept and the gp asked what she would do if I was not there and why she would not accept carers to help lighten my load with two small children and she looked the gp dead in the eye , a frail 83 year old woman and replied “ it was too bad and i”ll get a job if she wont help me “ because . She . Had . Dementia !!!!!

Does she have neighbours who she speaks to? I am not suggesting she spends Christmas Day with them but if they were willing to knock on her door if she didn’t answer the phone it could spare your OH some worry.

Though of course if they then discover the reason she hasn’t answered the phone is a bit more than unplugging it that Is going to mess up their Christmas, and yours totally. So maybe not.

If you want to put an end to the unplugging the phone on Christmas Day (which seems likely manipulative to me), can you call in a wellness check with the police or someone else you pay to pop over to help DH with his worry? In my experience, once they realise you won't jump, they knock this sort of thing off.

Could your husband go & stay with her on Christmas Eve, then leave at a reasonable time on Christmas Day,leaving her set up with meals if necessary for the day. In the New Year you need to consider putting a camera somewhere that isn’t intrusive for your own peace of mind.

Not necessarily a good idea if she has dementia

Please don't suggest that people plan in advance to ask police to perform a welfare check on a certain date. Good grief.

Also, Christmas Day? Skeleton Christmas staff are unlikely to have scope to merrily pop in. Op would probably be waiting hours and hours.

Why not? If you're worried about someone at a distance, welfare check. Applies every day of the year. Alternatively, you have someone local on standby, even if you have to pay them, that is happy to go check.

I don't think people should call them in lightly but, in this case, it may be justified. Only one time in my life have I called a welfare check on someone, where I jumped in a car right after doing so myself. So I don't take it lightly. The next day I was planning a funeral, so you can trust your instincts.

There’s a lot of misunderstanding about dementia on here. As PP have already said, dementia starts years before it is fully diagnosed and if this 85 year old lady is not recognising her family then sadly she is well along the path.
In her confused mind she could be thinking that if she unplugs the phone then no one needs to call and she won’t have to struggle with the overload of planning a sequence of events eg planning Christmas - this is one of the skills to fade away with dementia. It doesn’t sound like she is pushing to come to you OP, and as PP have said, people with dementia are much more stable in their own home.
The main issue is how you can organise care for her and not just over the Christmas period.
Christmas is an emotional time in these situations and you sound like you understand your husbands concerns ver well, that he worries that his obviously frail mum shouldn’t be alone on Christmas Day. It’s likely that she won’t care/ understand which actual days she sees you. You could possibly visit her and do a ‘Christmas’ the week before if you want.
But you still have the dilemma of how she’s being cared for generally.
Sounds like it’s time to contact Social Services for an assessment of her needs, that’s your first port of call.
To all the posters talking of reprimanding and ‘manipulative’ you are verging on the cruel when it comes to dementia, no matter how unpleasant the person might have been in the past.
For full disclosure I’m a carer of a husband who’s well along the dementia path .