MIL Christmas dilemma – AIBU to not want DH spending most of Christmas Day driving?

[Foxy200]

I’m really struggling with this and could do with some outside opinions.
MIL is in her 80s, lives about two hours away, doesn’t drive and has been on her own since FIL died 15 years ago. DH is an only child, so realistically we are the only family she has at Christmas.
She is extremely introverted and has always found staying anywhere other than her own home very difficult. She doesn’t particularly like coming to ours and can only really cope with being around people for a couple of hours.
Historically, when she comes for Christmas, she wants DH to collect her late on Christmas Eve and take her home first thing on Boxing Day. With the driving there and back twice, DH ends up spending about five hours of Christmas on the road.
This year my parents are coming to us. MIL has never spent Christmas with us when they are here. There’s no falling out and she doesn’t dislike them — she just finds having other people around very difficult — so I strongly suspect she will decide to stay at home.
Normally I would think that was entirely her choice.
The complication is that when she has stayed at home in previous years, she sometimes hasn’t answered the phone all day and has even unplugged it. DH then becomes so worried that he drives two hours there to check she is OK and two hours back. On the occasions this has happened, she has been absolutely fine.
However, this year we are also concerned that she may be developing dementia and are waiting for an assessment. She is increasingly forgetful and there have been occasions when she hasn’t remembered who we are. So I completely understand why DH is worried about leaving her alone.
DH is now suggesting that if she won't come to us, he drives up on Christmas Day, spends a couple of hours with her and drives home. Realistically he could be gone for six or seven hours.
And this is where I’m struggling.
I don't want to be horrible about an elderly woman potentially developing dementia, and if this were my mum I know I would be worried too. But I also don't think the answer can be that DH spends a huge chunk of every Christmas driving around the country.
She is invited to ours. We genuinely want her to come and would make her welcome. She could have a quiet room to retreat to and wouldn't be expected to sit socialising all day. But if she decides she would rather stay at home, should DH then miss most of Christmas Day to go to her?
The other thing I'm struggling with is that even if DH agrees not to go, I'm not sure how any of us actually enjoy Christmas.
My parents will be here, but if MIL is at home alone and not answering the phone, DH will spend the day worrying about whether she's OK. I'll know he's worrying and I'll feel guilty trying to enjoy myself with my parents while he's anxious about his mum. We'll potentially spend Christmas Day waiting to see whether she answers the phone and wondering whether DH is going to end up getting in the car anyway.
So it feels as though whatever we do, Christmas ends up revolving around MIL.
There is also some history that probably affects how I feel about this. DH had a very difficult childhood and left home at 16. From 16 until he met me at 29, MIL essentially left him to spend Christmases without her. I have to admit I find it hard not to feel some resentment that our family Christmases now revolve around making sure she isn't alone when she didn't seem to have the same concern about him when he was young.
At the same time, she's his mum. She's elderly, she's alone and she may have dementia. I absolutely don't want DH sitting at home worrying that something has happened to her, or feeling terrible if he doesn't go. And if this were my own mum, I suspect I'd feel exactly as he does.
We also have an 11-year-old son, and I feel quite sad at the thought of his dad disappearing for most of Christmas Day. There aren't that many childhood Christmases left.
I'm starting to think the real issue is that we need some way of knowing MIL is safe without DH having to drive four hours every time she doesn't answer her phone. If she is becoming unsafe to be left alone, then obviously this is much bigger than Christmas and we need a proper plan for her care.
But in the meantime I don't know what the answer is.
If she comes to us, she will be unhappy because my parents are here and she finds being around people overwhelming.
If she stays at home, DH will worry about her.
If DH goes to see her, he misses most of Christmas with us and our son.
And if he stays home but spends the whole day worrying about her, I'm not sure any of us will enjoy Christmas anyway.
AIBU to feel that we can't keep doing this every Christmas? And what would you actually do in our situation?

It really seems that she doesn't really like Xmas. Take the hint and leave her be for the Holiday.

This.
He should go visit her another day around Xmas, but not on the day you’ve committed to host other people. leaving you with all the work, and the 11yo on Xmas day, is highly unreasonable. It’s just a day for her if she’s not choosing to celebrate that’s up to her.

No way in hell should everyone else pander to this. Leave the woman be. Visit her on Xmas Eve or Boxing Day. 2 hours isn’t that far when it’s not Xmas day and there’s home stuff to be done.

Also consider she maybe doesn’t WANT to be contacted if she’s unplugged the phone. Your DH needs to start respecting people’s wishes & not sloping off for cushty solo drive instead of peeling spuds.

This.
If she only wont answer her phone on Xmas day that is outright manipulative.

Get a camera set up in her house so you can see that she’s fine from 2 hours away 🤷‍♀️ she’s being very manipulative and controlling and wants everything her own way. And she gets it!!! She knows your parents so they aren’t random strangers are they??!!

They might be random strangers if MIL has dementia, especially as she doesn’t recognise OP sometimes, chances of her recognising OP’s parents is probably quite slim. And distressing for someone if the ‘random strangers’ know her as it confuses them even more

I don’t know OP, I understand your frustration but I couldn’t personally be the person who forced my dh to leave his mother on her own for, what you yourself describe as very possibly her last ever Christmas. Things like that are not easily forgotten once you can’t undo them.

Carer for my late mother and retired AHP and this, all of this, especially this bit.
"And even if we do decide that the person does not have capacity, the decision to do something in their best interests is based on what their wishes likely have been historically and not on what their carers feel is easier to live with.

So often this bit gets ignored when people, even professionals, even people who genuinely have the wellbeing of the person at heart are making the decisions.

I get, I really do get that adult children may have been condtioned to behave in a certain way by their parents. I get the guilt felt by loving children who just cannot do "perfect" care for their parents. I think its worth keeping in mind that when people do go into care, they don't only have one or two carers by day, also there is overnight care AND during their caring hours those carers do nothing but care. Once someone is at that stage, the most loving and dutiful family are unlikely to be able to do this...there will be children, paid employment and so on. Even when people only need visiting care in their own homes, again, the visiting carers don't have any other responsibilities while they are at work and in most circumstances, if the carer needs to take time off, there will be a replacement. Again not often possible for family carers. people should not feel guilty about not being able to do something they cannot do.

So, It appears that his Mom doesn't really care much about Xmas so Hubby should treat it like any other day. Maybe he can go see her a few days before Xmas to assuage his anxiety and guilt feelings, but he needs to be home with you and your kids on Xmas Eve and Day, IMO.

Aw you sound like you are doing so much! I second the idea of MIL Christmas on a different day.

On the practical front, the next time DH is there he could screw a cover over where the phone plugs in so prevent it being unplugged. I agree you need the cameras up but also I would fight that too so maybe just in a hallway so it’s less ‘spying’ on her. You could also get a ring doorbell so you know if she’s in or out - that could be sold to her as normal security. If she’s in and ignoring the phone can you assume she’s safe? What is DH worrying will be wrong? I wonder if she’s found that if she goes silent she gets what she wants, addressing that means managing your and DH’s anxiety. Is there someone nearby who could drop by, not necessarily with MIL expecting so she doesn’t also hide from them?

Or DH goes up on Xmas eve and gets her and you set up her quiet room and she copes. What’s the worst that’ll happen? A bit of sulking? I get she’s not a people person but you have a solution for that - quiet room - and then the rest of you can crack on, she’s involved as much as she wants and no worries. My dad would have ‘told’ his mum in this case, not asked, and it worked. When someone turns up to pick you up few people refuse to climb in.

The most sensible recommendation. You said it's going to hard to keep that boundary - to be honest, I think that's largely because you've always found it hard, rather than because of the diagnosis changing things. With regard to Christmas, it hasn't changed anything: she's been like this all along. As other posters like @Catza and @onthespot42 have pointed out, you're romanticising this one day on behalf of someone who doesn't care about it, doesn't want company for it, and now doesn't know when it is either.

Finally, learn the lesson. You've put care and checks in place. They'll work as well on 25 December as they do any other day. She'll be safe. Prioritise the person who will actually appreciate a family Christmas - your son. The one thing your husband could do to honour his own experience of being a young man ignored by his parent on Christmas Day is not to put his own child in that same position.

DH goes up on Xmas eve and gets her and you set up her quiet room and she copes. What’s the worst that’ll happen? A bit of sulking?

@OneOfEachPlease the last Christmas my dad spent in our house, he was visibly agitated for much of it, kept pacing around, picking things up and putting them down, asking when he could go home and threatening to walk home if he needed to (impossible but he might have tried). It was really upsetting, not relieved by the fact it was the dementia talking not him as I knew him. I don't even think that is the worst that could happen - other people have probably had worse - but it may not be just sulking or convenient withdrawal.

I do think it is sad that posters are saying 'family' should be prioritised but are drawing the line at where 'family' starts ie your household, ignoring that family also includes older members.
I do think we focus on the children far too much these days, to the detriment of society. A child will not dissolve if they are not the centre of their parents' universe all if the time, and it would actually teach them that others need attention too.
Also, these child-focused insular family units will split as the child gets older and has their own family. How will pps feel about being ignored because 'family comes first' or at best shoved in a spare room against their wishes?

I am in a similar situation although I have siblings it is left up to me to look after my mum. If it was me I’d have an early Xmas morning with DS (and if he is the same as mine were it’s very early) quick cuppa after the presents are open and drive down alone to mum for breakfast. Make a big deal of her and be back home in Time for dinner. Example on the road for 8, get to mum for 10 back on the road for 12 home by 2. He has done Santa, seen his mum and back to his family for a late Christmas dinner and a well earned glass of wine. He isn’t worried about his mum, you all have most of the day together anyway and everyone is happy albeit he will be exhausted. The guilt and pressure having an elderly parent alone coupled with the guilt of missing some of Christmas with his son must be awful for him. I really feel for him but 2 hours away isn’t that far to do a quick early wellness check visit and still enjoy the day with you and your son.

If he is so concerned that he will not rest over xmas, then what does he do the rest of the time? Ie is he worrying now when she does not answer the phone any day or just over Christmas - if the latter, then he needs to understand that it is guilt driving his behaviour. However, if the worry is increasing already in the present, then he needs to address it now.

It’s two months to christmas - I would contact her GP to initiate an urgent dementia assessment and, on the basis she has no one local to check in easily, insist that a daily carer visit is established. This would continue over Christmas.

I think you should support your husband in whatever he wants to do. My husband used to spend Christmas driving between our respective mothers. They are now both gone and we are glad that we did it.

If she is starting to suffer from dementia I wouldn’t begrudge him spending some time over Christmas with her. Maybe it’s not the Instagram Christmas you want, but it might be a generous and compassionate one and what better message could you convey to your son.

Sympathy for the situation, but your husband has a bigger responsibility to your son. What would she turn her phone off? Surely she knows that would cause concern? She seems to be manipulating how your family spends Christmas. DH needs to have a word and say if she doesn’t want to come and stay then at least agree to pick the phone up for a chat on the day and then maybe you can all go for a festive visit to her a few days after Christmas. But she shouldn’t be spoiling your family time … especially when her past behaviour shows she has never really respected or give thought to her son’s feelings on all previous christmases.

That's why she turns it off. She knows he'll come running in worry.

If you really wanted to be left alone, you'd send a ten second "Happy Christmas son, have a lovely day" knowing that's all that was required to be left alone, plus it's just the most basic manners of wishing your own child Merry Christmas FFS.

No, she does the one thing she knows instantly makes him come rushing over. That's not someone who wants to be left alone. That's deeply manipulative.

Totally agree

Actually @Foxy200 our mums are 90 and frail and can no longer travel. No way will either be on their own on christmas day. For the last few years, I have gone to my mum and DH to his. They are 350 miles apart.

The DC decide what they want to do. Both partnered.

This is the way things are for the forseeable and when it changes one of them will be dead. Neither of us want leaving our mum on their own on Christmas day on our conscience, with the carer putting a turkey dinner in the microwave.

It sucks. They looked after us and adored their grandchildren, therefore we suck it up with good grace. Nobody else to help.

There comes a time when Christmas is about caring for others. Remember it celebrates the birth of Jesus and christianity and it helps to remember that and to ask yourself "what would Jesus do?".

Send 2 deliveries to her on Christmas Day one at 10am and one at 5pm or so. You have enough time between now and then to figure out a person in that local area who will deliver to her on Christmas Day… there are a lot of people living here from other cultures who are unaffected by Christmas. You could even Deliveroo to her on the day. You’ll know she answered the door if she got the delivery and she’s too old to figure out that you get an update, so even if she doesn’t answer the phone you’ll know she’s perfectly fine. She knows what she’s doing and she deliberately does it so that Christmas is focused around her. She’s controlling your husband and it’s peak level manipulation.

your husband needs to grow up and stop running to her because she didn’t do it for him

If she doesn't answer the phone send the police round. That will end the behaviour.

You need to find a trusted buddy who lives close to your MIL who can check on her if she’s not answering and confirm back to your family. Is there a family friend or neighbour you could ask? The current situation is totally unsustainable for your husband and you. I have had similar with my mum and it has made a world of difference. Hope you can find a solution which works for you all.

Have you heard of Komp? We had one when my mum became bedbound as a way of communicating with her. It's looks like a television (all she has to do is turn it on) you can then video call and speak face to face, send texts and messages, even photos all via a smart phone. Otherwise what about ring security cameras?