MIL Christmas dilemma – AIBU to not want DH spending most of Christmas Day driving?

[Foxy200]

I’m really struggling with this and could do with some outside opinions.
MIL is in her 80s, lives about two hours away, doesn’t drive and has been on her own since FIL died 15 years ago. DH is an only child, so realistically we are the only family she has at Christmas.
She is extremely introverted and has always found staying anywhere other than her own home very difficult. She doesn’t particularly like coming to ours and can only really cope with being around people for a couple of hours.
Historically, when she comes for Christmas, she wants DH to collect her late on Christmas Eve and take her home first thing on Boxing Day. With the driving there and back twice, DH ends up spending about five hours of Christmas on the road.
This year my parents are coming to us. MIL has never spent Christmas with us when they are here. There’s no falling out and she doesn’t dislike them — she just finds having other people around very difficult — so I strongly suspect she will decide to stay at home.
Normally I would think that was entirely her choice.
The complication is that when she has stayed at home in previous years, she sometimes hasn’t answered the phone all day and has even unplugged it. DH then becomes so worried that he drives two hours there to check she is OK and two hours back. On the occasions this has happened, she has been absolutely fine.
However, this year we are also concerned that she may be developing dementia and are waiting for an assessment. She is increasingly forgetful and there have been occasions when she hasn’t remembered who we are. So I completely understand why DH is worried about leaving her alone.
DH is now suggesting that if she won't come to us, he drives up on Christmas Day, spends a couple of hours with her and drives home. Realistically he could be gone for six or seven hours.
And this is where I’m struggling.
I don't want to be horrible about an elderly woman potentially developing dementia, and if this were my mum I know I would be worried too. But I also don't think the answer can be that DH spends a huge chunk of every Christmas driving around the country.
She is invited to ours. We genuinely want her to come and would make her welcome. She could have a quiet room to retreat to and wouldn't be expected to sit socialising all day. But if she decides she would rather stay at home, should DH then miss most of Christmas Day to go to her?
The other thing I'm struggling with is that even if DH agrees not to go, I'm not sure how any of us actually enjoy Christmas.
My parents will be here, but if MIL is at home alone and not answering the phone, DH will spend the day worrying about whether she's OK. I'll know he's worrying and I'll feel guilty trying to enjoy myself with my parents while he's anxious about his mum. We'll potentially spend Christmas Day waiting to see whether she answers the phone and wondering whether DH is going to end up getting in the car anyway.
So it feels as though whatever we do, Christmas ends up revolving around MIL.
There is also some history that probably affects how I feel about this. DH had a very difficult childhood and left home at 16. From 16 until he met me at 29, MIL essentially left him to spend Christmases without her. I have to admit I find it hard not to feel some resentment that our family Christmases now revolve around making sure she isn't alone when she didn't seem to have the same concern about him when he was young.
At the same time, she's his mum. She's elderly, she's alone and she may have dementia. I absolutely don't want DH sitting at home worrying that something has happened to her, or feeling terrible if he doesn't go. And if this were my own mum, I suspect I'd feel exactly as he does.
We also have an 11-year-old son, and I feel quite sad at the thought of his dad disappearing for most of Christmas Day. There aren't that many childhood Christmases left.
I'm starting to think the real issue is that we need some way of knowing MIL is safe without DH having to drive four hours every time she doesn't answer her phone. If she is becoming unsafe to be left alone, then obviously this is much bigger than Christmas and we need a proper plan for her care.
But in the meantime I don't know what the answer is.
If she comes to us, she will be unhappy because my parents are here and she finds being around people overwhelming.
If she stays at home, DH will worry about her.
If DH goes to see her, he misses most of Christmas with us and our son.
And if he stays home but spends the whole day worrying about her, I'm not sure any of us will enjoy Christmas anyway.
AIBU to feel that we can't keep doing this every Christmas? And what would you actually do in our situation?

He’s carrying a lot of worry and guilt for a woman who hasn’t been a great mother. And in turn, history is repeating and he’s not putting his own son first. Perhaps therapy would help him in the long term

Yes, this stood out to me too. Seems like he is doing what he thinks he should do, not what he perhaps wants to do. And his son only has a few childhood Christmases left - don’t spoil those as it sounds like the last few years have also been messed up with chasing after a woman who didn’t think much of her own young son.

it’s easy to say when it’s not your family, of course. But I’ve been adjacent to a similar set-up and it still makes me bitter sometimes, that I had to spend time away from nice family to deal with rude, sulky ones at Christmas.

I think realistically that this is going to be DH’s last christmas with his mother.

if the dementia progress is rapid at this point as suggested she probably won’t know who anyone is next year.

11yr old should also be taken into consideration, can DH & Son go visit MIL in the evening/stay over. They could have a little boys bonding trip on the drive & you get some 1 on 1 time with your parents.

I’m pretty sure if it was one of your parents in the dementia shoes you wouldn’t even be bothered re 2 hr drive.

what happened in the past doesn’t matter, letting your husband have one last christmas with his mum if that is what he wants, will matter more esp when she has gone.

Will she even care it’s Christmas? If she didn’t care to see her son when she was younger maybe she is genuinely not that bothered about it. Does she unplug the phone because she just doesn’t want to have her calm disturbed?
Ido think your DH needs to do what he wants to do though. If that’s what he chooses to do you and your family can enjoy the day.

I’m also not sure why Christmas is any different than any other day in terms of your DH worrying about her safety/her being alone? Presumably he doesn’t go there every day to check on her?

Ive lived through having a parent with dementia and it can be a very long slog (over 10 years in our case of worry, sorting care, visits, nursing etc). So at this stage I would suggest your DH visits on Christmas Eve or Boxing Day. And then start to think about what future care and support she might need. I don’t think you should have to give up your family Christmas Day yet whilst she is technically still living day to day without regular care.

I love how so many people are advocating for a neighbour to look after MIL on Xmas Day. Do you know what a massive ask that would be if MIL has dementia

Why doesn't he drive up to see her on Christmas Eve or Boxing Day instead. Surely it's not going to matter to her which exact day he visits.

This a great idea.They should defo be teaching ing their own son to deprioritize his parents, and especially his mother, when they're old and need him.

MIL is in her 80s, lives about two hours away,
Historically, when she comes for Christmas, she wants DH to collect her late on Christmas Eve and take her home first thing on Boxing Day. With the driving there and back twice, DH ends up spending about five hours of Christmas on the road.

How does 4x2 =5?

Treat it like any other Christmas.
Do not alarm MIL by mentioning your parents.
MIL will have her room and will be with you until early Boxing Day, as usual.

The worst that can happen is that MIL retreats to her room. Your DH will be able to deliver her cups of tea, meals and sit with her. He will know she is safe. DC can always knock and visit too. It is my opinion that MIL will mostly feel fine near your parents. It will be a familiar Christmas space for her.

What a difficult sitsuation. I can understand your resentment based on the past. Could you look at a device to be put in place for dh’s general reassurance. There used to be sensor mats so you’d know if a person walked over them they were up and about of bed etc. there also used to be a device which would tell you if the kettle had been switched on. I can’t find it now and my experience is a little out of date. If there is something non intrusive that can be used in her house just to know she is up and about, that may reassure your dh a little abd prevent the driving. The unplugging of the phone suggests manipulation or mental health. I hope you find a solution and can all enjoy Christmas.

You're investing more time trying to stop him than the journey would take. He's not your pancreas. You can manage without him for several hours quite easily.

OMG, if I thought it was one of my parents last Christmas we might spend together when they are even aware that it is Christmas day and they are spending it with me, I would absolutely want to spend it with them and not impose them the stress of being with other people away from their familiar surroundings.

If my OH made a fuss over it, I would find it very hard to forgive them.

You will be able to spend the day with your parents, but you think your MIL should spend what is likely to be her last conscious Christmas alone, just so that your husband can be with you?

How utterly selfish! How can you love your husband and make such a demand of him?

If she can’t remember who they are sometimes their home might not be a familiar place to her, that memory may have gone.

We also have an 11-year-old son, and I feel quite sad at the thought of his dad disappearing for most of Christmas Day. There aren't that many childhood Christmases left
Oh please! There are more than one, which is more than what your DH is likely to spend with his mother.

And it's not like your DS won't see him at all on the day. Is this how you want to raise your son? Teach him that it will be okay to leave you alone on Xmas day when you are old, frail, anxious, because his wife insists against his wishes that he stays with her and her family instead? I bet you'd fell very differently about the situation then!

Dear OP, why not get some cameras installed at your MIL's home? That way your DH can keep an eye on her and not worry. Put them without her knowing if she refuses. Even one camera hidden in the living room or kitchen will help put his mind at rest.

Your son needs his Dad at home at Christmas as your son is making his own childhood memories and in years to come he will want to remember his dad as part of those memories.

Surely it’s not legal to put cameras in someone else’s home without their permission?!?

Also, my parents worked most Christmas days when I was a child and somehow we all survived. It’s not the end of the world.

Yes we have these for my mum who lives on her own, a camera and a ring doorbell on her front door and back doors and an alert system and call bells that also tells inside she doesn’t get up by 9 am ( obviously can be set for any time)

Could you have Christmas for MIL the weekend before? She probably doesn’t eat much so cook a chicken with the trimmings.

I agree with this. Tell her not to unplug the phone and don’t pester her to join you, it’s probably why she’s disconnected the phone line. Some people are introverted and like their own company and home. Since my mum died I’ve had my dad every Christmas, it’s been 12 years. This year I dread telling him that we’re going out instead. Hoping to cushion the blow by having him Boxing Day instead!

I am an only DC with DPs who developed dementia - both of them with different types - who lived an hour away ( now thankfully in a care home). In that situation as your DH, I think I would go up on Christmas Eve, get it out the way and spend the day at home on CD.

Meanwhile I would be contacting social services and her GP with any additional evidence that she isn’t coping at home. The bar to get carers in is high and may or may not be paid, so people’s suggestions that OPs DH just get carers in is unrealistic, unless they have a spare £100 per day which they probably don’t.

Those people saying it’s her last Christmas at home, well I wouldn’t be too sure of that. If the bar to get carers is high getting someone to be declared not to have capacity and be placed in a home - particularly if the state is paying- is almost impossible.

Be kind to your DH and try not to force him to make impossible choices. The fact he still wants to do what’s right for his DM shows he is a man of integrity.

I’m not sure Christmas is the issue here, you’ve got a long term long distance care issue coming up. I think Christmas and what happens on it is largely irrelevant.

Woke up this morning which I have followed and posted - the OP asked the question “ AIBU to feel that we can't keep doing this every Christmas? And what would you actually do in this situation “ and lots of posters have . Lots of practical advice and if you read the post again the op acknowledge too Christmas might be the least of their worries . I remember coping with this exact situation and I did my best . Plus people with mid late stage dementia don’t sit quietly in the corner like in those pretty brochure picture from care home and care agencies or retire to their room . They don’t fondly look on as the grandchild opens their presents and then retire . They can become irate , irascible and distressed or maintain all sorts of delusions for the day because they are not in their home environment . I had about 4 or 5 Christmas’s which I had facilitate round my mum way before the carer scenario . They were awful . The ones with the ils too who were younger & supportive were just awful . The op and her DH are trying to think of a practical solutions whilst getting to grips with the difficulty and emotional baggage that comes with it for want of a better word . Unfortunately with dementia it takes a team . Cameras and alarms
like I said don’t give peace of mind they just drag you further into the mess further along the line & before I only have clarity now looking back years later . I put sticking plaster on top of sticking plaster for each situation and it’s incredibly difficult to do anything else . If you have no experience of dealing with dementia yourself then kindly you don’t have a clue at the devious and horror of it all . The late stages are “ easy “ when it gets bad . The mid ones are where it’s really really hard to do right by everyone . Op move this thread to the elderly board - oh yeh you are not unreasonable to feel this way either .

A camera is a great idea. Another option maybe, is there a small Airbnb near you or something? So she’d still be close but would have her own space?

No it’s not - it’s not a long term solution and you don’t stick a person their 80s with mid or early stage dementia in a Airbnb at Christmas or any other time on their own Kindly you have not a clue!

@Foxy200 id tell her this year she need to come to yours and she can socialise as much as she likes or not. If she chooses to stay home , dh will not be traveling down if she chooses no contact. instead the police will
be sent round for a welfare check .
It does sound very manipulative. Xmas day is all about her . She only comes to yours if she is centre of attention and the times she stays home she still makes it about her and gets dh to herself.