MIL Christmas dilemma – AIBU to not want DH spending most of Christmas Day driving?

[Foxy200]

I’m really struggling with this and could do with some outside opinions.
MIL is in her 80s, lives about two hours away, doesn’t drive and has been on her own since FIL died 15 years ago. DH is an only child, so realistically we are the only family she has at Christmas.
She is extremely introverted and has always found staying anywhere other than her own home very difficult. She doesn’t particularly like coming to ours and can only really cope with being around people for a couple of hours.
Historically, when she comes for Christmas, she wants DH to collect her late on Christmas Eve and take her home first thing on Boxing Day. With the driving there and back twice, DH ends up spending about five hours of Christmas on the road.
This year my parents are coming to us. MIL has never spent Christmas with us when they are here. There’s no falling out and she doesn’t dislike them — she just finds having other people around very difficult — so I strongly suspect she will decide to stay at home.
Normally I would think that was entirely her choice.
The complication is that when she has stayed at home in previous years, she sometimes hasn’t answered the phone all day and has even unplugged it. DH then becomes so worried that he drives two hours there to check she is OK and two hours back. On the occasions this has happened, she has been absolutely fine.
However, this year we are also concerned that she may be developing dementia and are waiting for an assessment. She is increasingly forgetful and there have been occasions when she hasn’t remembered who we are. So I completely understand why DH is worried about leaving her alone.
DH is now suggesting that if she won't come to us, he drives up on Christmas Day, spends a couple of hours with her and drives home. Realistically he could be gone for six or seven hours.
And this is where I’m struggling.
I don't want to be horrible about an elderly woman potentially developing dementia, and if this were my mum I know I would be worried too. But I also don't think the answer can be that DH spends a huge chunk of every Christmas driving around the country.
She is invited to ours. We genuinely want her to come and would make her welcome. She could have a quiet room to retreat to and wouldn't be expected to sit socialising all day. But if she decides she would rather stay at home, should DH then miss most of Christmas Day to go to her?
The other thing I'm struggling with is that even if DH agrees not to go, I'm not sure how any of us actually enjoy Christmas.
My parents will be here, but if MIL is at home alone and not answering the phone, DH will spend the day worrying about whether she's OK. I'll know he's worrying and I'll feel guilty trying to enjoy myself with my parents while he's anxious about his mum. We'll potentially spend Christmas Day waiting to see whether she answers the phone and wondering whether DH is going to end up getting in the car anyway.
So it feels as though whatever we do, Christmas ends up revolving around MIL.
There is also some history that probably affects how I feel about this. DH had a very difficult childhood and left home at 16. From 16 until he met me at 29, MIL essentially left him to spend Christmases without her. I have to admit I find it hard not to feel some resentment that our family Christmases now revolve around making sure she isn't alone when she didn't seem to have the same concern about him when he was young.
At the same time, she's his mum. She's elderly, she's alone and she may have dementia. I absolutely don't want DH sitting at home worrying that something has happened to her, or feeling terrible if he doesn't go. And if this were my own mum, I suspect I'd feel exactly as he does.
We also have an 11-year-old son, and I feel quite sad at the thought of his dad disappearing for most of Christmas Day. There aren't that many childhood Christmases left.
I'm starting to think the real issue is that we need some way of knowing MIL is safe without DH having to drive four hours every time she doesn't answer her phone. If she is becoming unsafe to be left alone, then obviously this is much bigger than Christmas and we need a proper plan for her care.
But in the meantime I don't know what the answer is.
If she comes to us, she will be unhappy because my parents are here and she finds being around people overwhelming.
If she stays at home, DH will worry about her.
If DH goes to see her, he misses most of Christmas with us and our son.
And if he stays home but spends the whole day worrying about her, I'm not sure any of us will enjoy Christmas anyway.
AIBU to feel that we can't keep doing this every Christmas? And what would you actually do in our situation?

This is a really difficult situation made worse by her attitude in the past.

however if dementia has started this may be her last Christmas, be guided by your husbands wants otherwise he may hold it against you in the future.
I know it’s hard on you and your son

They're always stubborn, she doesn't actually have a choice in the matter. You need to proceed whether she likes it or not, for your family's sake and her sake. Softly softly gently gently is all well and good if you live round the corner, but you don't.

Contact social services today if you have not already done so as it will take a while for anything to happen.

I think Christmas is the wrong focus. The dementia is severe enough to be worrying. You need a local solution in place ASAP. If you focus on that, Christmas may well solve itself.

My question would be, how is Christmas different from every other day? You live a 5 hour round trip from her. How does your Dh know every other day that she’s okay? Does he drive there regularly? Speak to her multiple times a day? Does he not ever go a day without talking to her? If she has dementia potentially, does she even know it’s Christmas? Will she be sharp enough to know to turn her phone off? Could you have a quiet Christmas at home but make a big fuss of Boxing Day and Dh offer to go get her then or drive up and see her? I guess it’s about understanding if the problem is she hides away extra hard on Christmas to be difficult, or your dh just feels extra guilty for not speaking to her when he wouldn’t if it was a random Tuesday in January? I think that should guide how he makes his decision.

Personally, I’m of the belief that adults have free will. If they want to turn their phone off and avoid the world on Christmas, they are free to do that. Your son though is a child and he doesn’t get a choice. If this is a many years long pattern, your Dh is risking creating the same dynamic with his son that his mum created with him, even if it’s for altruistic reasons. I’d always put my kid before an adult who has the right to choose to not participate in Christmas socialising if they don’t want to.

The dementia is a separate issue. A new one that makes this more complex, but it doesn’t sound like it’s the root of the problem.

You asked what I would do...Well, I wouldn't tell her that my own parents were coming. And I'd ask her to compromise and go home on the 27th so that the Christmas break isn't interrupted. If she has the start of dementia, she may not know exactly what day it is anyway.

She'll be surprised when your parents are there, but it will be too late and she'll be safe at home with you. If someone won't answer their phone, and is generally difficult, subterfuge is the answer. (I'm NOT talking about being difficult because of dementia, I mean the times before this, when she was OK but wouldn't answer her phone.)

Considering that she might now have dementia, I think you'd be doing her a kindness by not telling her about your parents and just picking her up. It sounds entirely the right thing that she is with you this Christmas. Much safer for her.

After Christmas, I think you need to look into getting her a panic button.

A woman with quite fast presenting onset dementia might be in a very different spot in a few months.

All the info is relevant - that’s ok - but not a hill to die on at the minute with all the stresses and strains.

For your husband - plan to have videos set up by Christmas- reassure him that will be done.

Reassure him that it’s important for all families to connect at Christmas- so he can do Christmas Day with your child and guest and then another Christmas with his Mum on Boxing Day. That allows him to stay longer if needed overnight etc. If she’s so ill the one day won’t matter.

And arrange for a care package so someone drops into her morning and night over that time so they know she is alive and well.

Positively address his major concerns and he’ll have less to resist you on.

Sounds tough but I suspect soon Christmas will be the least of your worries trying to manage this situation remotely.

@Foxy200 Set up an Alexa device in her home and your home. Establish a video call on Christmas Eve, MIL won't have to touch it, just leave it on in her lounge. You can see her in her home on Christmas Day.

You have to let him check on his mom. Even if he's gone 6 hrs, that's only half the day. Also, if she doesn't know who you are sometimes the dementia might be quite advanced.

"If the problem is she hides away extra hard on Christmas to be difficult, or your dh just feels extra guilty for not speaking to her when he wouldn’t if it was a random Tuesday in January? I think that should guide how he makes his decision."

Yes, this is well put.

"Your son though is a child and he doesn’t get a choice. If this is a many years long pattern, your Dh is risking creating the same dynamic with his son that his mum created with him, even if it’s for altruistic reasons"

Right. He's 11. For whatever reason, DH'smother did not prioritise DH's Christmas for 13 years, that does mean something and it does mean he can - without any guilt - not prioritise his mum's wants on Christmas Day. But his son is 11 and should have the best Christmas possible, with both parents and whatever other family is willing to be there.

There's just no reason for DH to drive to and from his home taking up half the day on Christmas, those are hours stolen away from his son - unless he would also do that on any other day.

And if that was the case, how on earth would he work or do anything else?

Your husband needs to spend Christmas with his mum. Absolutely no question.

I'm a bit confused - if she lives alone the rest of the time anyway, why is your DH so worried that something bad will happen to her specifically at Christmas? Or is he driving back and forth to see if she's ok every time she doesn't answer her phone?
Christmas doesn't seem like a big deal to her and she doesn't seem to want you help. I think your DS should come first. And if she has dementia, she needs to have a professional carer or be in a home.

Can you set up a blink camera in her home it send a carer or neighbour round (so you're not worrying) and then go and see her on boxing day?)

I think I’d suggest to my DH that he travels up Xmas Eve or Boxing Day instead…or both! It’s unfair that he misses out on Christmas Day with your DC and I would argue that the child should come first in that day.

I don’t like that she doesn’t answer the phone, very manipulative and my MIL does the same for weeks on end after any small disagreement and worries my DH to death and he ends up taking the long drive to check on her only for everything to be fine and her intentionally ignoring him as punishment.

Let your husband do what makes him feel comfortable he won’t have to do it forever, maybe if she won’t come could you pay a carer or a neighbour to pop in three times a day to check on her, for Christmas and Boxing Day maybe. ?

This is a sad side of Christmas, which many families have to face at some stage.

It would be unreasonable to insist she leaves her comfort zone, especially if she is developing dementia. Good that you have a plan in place to deal with that.

If possible, the best idea might be for your DH and son to take a home cooked lunch or Ready Meal Christmas lunch to her on Christmas Eve morning and share it with her, leaving about 3.00pm. If they encourage her to open some gifts with them while they are there, she may feel happy with that. And she may then just answer the phone when you make your normal call the next day to check on her.
I hope you can all relax a little bit more on Christmas Day without quite so much worry.

These are my thoughts. While the possible dementia is a worry, that must be every day. What happens the other days?

Xmas is just another day. It sounds like MIL has never found it special or wanted to be around people (including her only child). Is it possible she has some past trauma from that day and prefers to be alone to cope?

It seems to me MIL makes excuses not to be with her son and grandchild or even speak to them, if she unplugs the phone. If she can have her own room at yours, and you’ve made it clear she can spend most of the time alone in it, then surely her introverted nature isn’t really the reason. She clearly just prefers to be at home alone.

I honestly think it’d be healthier for your DH to be at peace with that and enjoy spending time with the family he’s created and who do want to be with him. Respect his mother’s desire to be alone and not talk to anyone.

He’s carrying a lot of worry and guilt for a woman who hasn’t been a great mother. And in turn, history is repeating and he’s not putting his own son first. Perhaps therapy would help him in the long term.

For this year, can’t a neighbour or local friend of MIL’s be asked to keep an eye?

He's not missing Christmas. Christmas comes to all in whatever form it takes. He is spending it doing something kind and loving for his mother, whom he probably fears he may not have for very much longer. Let him go with your blessing, and enjoy your time together with your parents and children.

Astonishing how some people on this website think it's okay to treat grown adults in ways they wouldn't dream of suggesting we should treat a stepchild. Imagine inviting your stepchild for Christmas, and then, when she's trapped and can't leave - surprise, kid: the thing you hate most is now happening! But for some reason it's a good idea to treat your mentally ill mother-in-law this way.

Having Dad away looking after grandma will not ruin the son's Christmas, I can promise you that. He'll enjoy eating the treats, and all the new stuff he gets, whether Dad is there or not.

Elderly parents one of which has dementia, we've set up-
Carers in the for 30 mins in the morning to make sure they have tablets and breakfast/ are ok.
A falls pendant - it notifies a service run by the local authority if they fell over and have a button that can be used. They then speak to a local team over a very sensitive speaker that can even pick up in the garden. The team will come out &help them up and call us and an ambulance if needed.
A cleaner/hairdresser/gardener so regular visitors during the week.
Camera in kitchen, hallway and sitting room in case they don't answer a phone call we can check they are ok.
Permission with doctor to discuss their care.
Power of attorney do this immediately while she has capacity. This is incredibly important. Don't make a big thing about it just say he'd like to be able to pay her bills etc if she ever needed him to. Do this as soon as possible and get it invoked as well if you can. Dementia can sadly move on very quickly.
As for Christmas if your husband leaves he will be doing what his mum did to him and leaving him on Christmas day. The stress of staying may well make her dementia worse as will worrying about it. I suggest a visit on Christmas Eve so that he knows she's ok and she can look forward to that worry free. Possibly even staying overnight and leaving early to come home for breakfast.
Best of luck.

DH leaves at 8am. Gets to her 10. Stays for a couple hours, home around 2. Plenty of Christmas left and he'll appreciate the lovely food and drinks all the more. I personally would just leave her alone as she left him but your DH sounds like a nicer person than me so wouldn't be able to do that and still enjoy the day.

Let him go to her or do whatever he is comfortable with. This is likely the last Christmas she will be on her own if she has developed dementia so I would just let it happen and enjoy Christmas as best you can.

Can you get some cameras up so that you can keep an eye on her. Bottom of the stairs, kitchen. Likely exit points. Ring door bell. With her agreement obviously.

I'm sorry that you are stuck between a rock and a hard place. I can only imagine how torn you must be feeling.
Could you possibly host Christmas at your MIL's, then if it gets too much she could retire to her room?
Tbh I understand your MIL has dementia, could a care plan not be put in place? Why should you all have an extremely stressful Christmas day when it's mainly for your DS? It's about time you can host your DP, without your DH spending every minute stressing about his Mum.
I have small, discreet cameras in my house, albeit to watch my dogs when we're out. They link up to my phone. Could you not distract MIL and your DH could pop them up high enough she can't reach/see them properly but you have a good view of her? Mine are just cheapies from amazon.

Is there a neighbour he could chat to? Maybe spend a few hours with MIL on Xmas eve. Let neighbour know of his concerns and ask them to drop in a nice hamper or pressie on Xmas morning. DH can then get reassurance from them that she’s alive and he doesnt feel guilty for ‘forgetting’ her.