Son. Nice but dim

[YourSharpTealWriter]

I’m struggling with my son. He’s 20 with ADHD. His behaviour is reckless and he doesn’t care about consequences. There’s always some drama or other. His latest prank is he drives around with pretend blue flashing lights he’s got from you tube on his phone that he places on his dash board and stops cars of people he believes are drunk / drug driving. He jumps out of the car pretending to be undercover shouting at them, gets their details then gets back in his car and drives off whist his mate records this.

I’ve explained it is illegal to impersonate a police officer but he just thinks it’s hilarious. He’s also very moralistic and has no fear. For example he saw someone mistreating a dog on a walk and gave them a right bollocking. Or if he sees younger teens getting bullied in the park he’ll intervene and threaten to beat up the bullies who are trying to recruit ‘drug runners’. He’s got into a fair few fights. I tell him you never know who he’s confronting, they may have a knife etc. he just shrugs and says it’s the right thing to do.

He is lovely at home, respectful, pays his way. He earns a lot of money as he has a dangerous job working on the highways, I really can’t fault him. He also has a brilliant girlfriend, he treats her well and she adores him, but she works with people who have mental health issues so maybe she’s well equipped to deal with his behaviour, and enjoys a project? But he’s out all the time causing mischief and he’s going to get in real trouble.

how can I navigate this? I don’t think he’s showing any signs of growing out of it.

Strange to hold the moral high ground with the things you mentioned but then literally harrassing strangers in the same breath and impersonating a police officer? Sounds more like a 'god complex' and like he gets to decide what is right or wrong? Not to mention of course if he gets caught he could lose his job!

Sorry OP. He may never grow out of it and may have to learn through consequences on this. Some people it is the only way they learn. He's taking risks and not been caught short yet so will take something big (being arrested/losing job/being badly hurt) for him to stop i imagine. I'm sorry that's probably not what you want to hear but it's likely the truth 🙁.

Impersonating a police officer is a criminal offence. Have you told him that?

Exactly with a maximum 6 months prison sentence and criminal record, so would then kiss goodbye to his high paying job.

First line of the second paragraph in the OP

You never grow out of ADHD. it responds well to medication, and if that isnt available there are foods that can help, regular sugary coffee is the most famous lol

He sounds clever not dim. He may need more help than others. As the behaviour isnt a choice tough love cant help it for long, and he may need a bit of extra support always. Could he and the girlfriend move to somewhere without a lot of injutsice that needs fixing?

The blue lights thing is stupid but apart from that he sounds great. It can take some ND people a bit longer to grow up but with all the strengths he has I'm sure he will get there.

Of course, I think I included that in my op

If you bothered to read the post you’ll see that Op has.

Most daft young men do wise up a bit by about 25. Is he on ADHD meds?

Have you told him that getting a criminal conviction could lose him his job? Presumably if you work on the highways they take a dim view of you engaging in dangerous and criminal pranks on said highways...

Is his mate videoing it for Tiktok? I've seen 2 men doing something similar where they pull up next to people on their phones and shout at them.

He's playing with fire legally and the drug running in park etc he's been lucky it's been fights up to now and they haven't involved blades.
He will fuck with the wrong person one day.

ADHD meds will help with impulse control and reckless behaviour, is he open to be rereferred if he isn't already on them?

i think I was unkind in my title referring to him as dim. He is switched on in many areas but really lacking in the common sense and that coupled with no fear really does make me anxious.

i am constantly telling him he will get caught and we’ve talked about prison but he still doesn’t seem to care - I imagine he would if it actually happened. he has had a few run ins with the police (nothing serious) but because he can’t ‘behave’ or handle situations with authority it escalates and obviously makes things worse.

He is so highly strung and explodes if something is ‘not right’ in his eyes but I just (obviously) can’t control him.

That's a lot to contend with I hope he gets the help he needs for all your sakes.

Yes I’ve told him all that. He’s not bothered 😕

I feel for you. It is difficult to deal with him when he isn’t afraid of consequences. He will end up in prison or badly hurt. It is not unusual for boys with ADHD to behave recklessly.
I don’t have any advice to change him but I have heard of countless families begging the courts to keep their reckless loved ones in prison. They seem to strive in there with restrictions but cannot control their actions outside.
I would ask him to move out.

Its right there in the OP. Not even that far down.

He refuses medication. He does pay for weekly online sessions with a therapist though. He says she helps him with his anger issues so that’s something I guess

He sounds autistic not just ADHD, a huge sense of black and white thinking so that he is right, even when he is doing things wrong. Justifying his behaviour by saying its about the rules, even when he is then breaking the rules.

I agree with the previous poster who thinks he has a god complex. It will all unravel in a terrible way sometime soon. I’d tell him he needs to get medication or move out.

I agree, he does have this swagger. Unfortunately he does come across as arrogant and god like. He has plenty of money, drives a new Mercedes, expensive clothes and confidence off the charts. He does come across as a big head, but of course I see all the other sides to him. The kindness, the integrity (in some situations) and how much he loves his family

Do you know the mate's mum? Is there anyway both of you and any partners could sit them both down and talk about why you are so concerned?
Also if the mate has ADHD he/she needs support and if not in a way the mate filming him is taking advantage of someone with poor impulse control, not good.

Not sure why some are suggesting he moves out? He’s no trouble at home. Isn’t that a bit like saying I don’t want to be his parent anymore?

It’s really not that simple though. Why would I ask him to move out?

Probably