Son. Nice but dim

[YourSharpTealWriter]

I’m struggling with my son. He’s 20 with ADHD. His behaviour is reckless and he doesn’t care about consequences. There’s always some drama or other. His latest prank is he drives around with pretend blue flashing lights he’s got from you tube on his phone that he places on his dash board and stops cars of people he believes are drunk / drug driving. He jumps out of the car pretending to be undercover shouting at them, gets their details then gets back in his car and drives off whist his mate records this.

I’ve explained it is illegal to impersonate a police officer but he just thinks it’s hilarious. He’s also very moralistic and has no fear. For example he saw someone mistreating a dog on a walk and gave them a right bollocking. Or if he sees younger teens getting bullied in the park he’ll intervene and threaten to beat up the bullies who are trying to recruit ‘drug runners’. He’s got into a fair few fights. I tell him you never know who he’s confronting, they may have a knife etc. he just shrugs and says it’s the right thing to do.

He is lovely at home, respectful, pays his way. He earns a lot of money as he has a dangerous job working on the highways, I really can’t fault him. He also has a brilliant girlfriend, he treats her well and she adores him, but she works with people who have mental health issues so maybe she’s well equipped to deal with his behaviour, and enjoys a project? But he’s out all the time causing mischief and he’s going to get in real trouble.

how can I navigate this? I don’t think he’s showing any signs of growing out of it.

I have ADHD and I don't impersonate police. That's a character thing, not an ADHD thing.

He is going to get in serious trouble one day, with either the fights or the police thing.

My exH was autistic and the total lack of fear was a feature. I'll never forget him wandering around Miami in the dead of night. (I stayed at the hotel.) No fear of gangs or guns whatsoever. And he also had zero common sense.

when he poured a bottle of water into his drawer who cleaned it up?

Actually sounds like he would be a great cop! He's certainly got the fearlessness and the sharp sense of right and wrong...😀

Other posters have asked. Has he tried medication?

Best case scenario is he will eventually be arrested . Worse he will get injured or killed if he tries to behave that way to teh wrong people . As a mum to a child with adhd , this so my worth fear , I bring up with a delinquent.
please convince him to get help asap before he hurst someone or himself

I’m surprised he hasn’t been beaten badly with this behaviour. It’s luck and a matter of time.

It is not uncommon for people of that age who didn’t go to uni to earn more than people who did. As they have had more years to build a career up

Where did you get that from? The OP says he earns well in a job, not that they give him money

Op explained what her son did for work 8 minutes after I posted that thanks.

It's in the OP. The OP can't have posted her OP after you replied.

Why did you only read part of the OPs op?

I’ve explained it is illegal to impersonate a police officer but he just thinks it’s hilarious. He’s also very moralistic and has no fear. For example he saw someone

Yes, I'm afraid the days of the helpful British Bobby are so long gone those days feel like a fairy tale now. I would NEVER approach the police about a family member or anything else except to report someone who had done something criminal to me, and I wouldn't expect them to do much if I did report a crime against me tbh. Ask Henry Novak's parents.

I'm really sorry. I don't think there is anything else you can do tbh. The more attention he gets for it, perhaps that feeds into this reckless behaviour?

The very good news is that our brains don't stop forming until we're 25 and if he can manage to avoid trouble over the next few years he will probably settle down a lot. Being able to keep a well paying job does show he's capable of some maturity. You're his mum and you love him and it is so hard to see him taking these dangerous, unnecessary risks with his future and his safety. Maybe you could try guilting him? Get all weepy and tell him you can't sleep for worrying. If it makes him hesitate once or twice it would be worth it.

Maybe you should get counselling for yourself, because this has to be making you really anxious.

The OP has said what he does. Read the OPs posts.

Wait, why do we think it is hypocritical, in terms of the police, to be driving badly etc etc? From your son’s pov (and yours from what you mentioned previously) the police are the hypocrites so he is only doing what they do.

It sounds like a Robin Hood complex. a god complex might be adjacent but unless you think he’s a narcissist or a psychopath/sociopath, it seems unlikely.

with adhd you spend your life being judged and told off by people who don’t have the right to do so. Horrid teachers who don’t make any effort to understand you. Other kids who call you weird for no apparent reason. Your parents. Other people who say you talk strange or too fast or too much. The police… who do hideous things like WhatsApp each other about wanting to rape women they’ve arrested, or take photos with dead victims, or kidnap young women off the street, or treat victims of domestic abuse with disdain. (You yourself op say your dealings with the police have been negative). So why should/would he, in his mind, need to respect the police? Or care what they think? He doesn’t care because he probably was in trouble a lot growing up (however small it might seem to others, clearly it was an injustice to him). And he’s now hyper vigilant to and affected by injustice. And he’s looking for a way to clear that rage from his system so he doesn’t care if he gets caught.

not to mention the stupidity being pushed by YouTubers. He’s got far more to gain from being arrested for his Robin Hood work — emotionally, psychologically, financially and reputation-ally — than he does from putting his head down and doing his job.

he’s not dim. He’s looking for a way to do something meaningful (to him) with his life because he got sick of seeing injustice. He’s an empath. But he doesn’t realise that he’s hurting the people he loves with the way he is going about it. And is probably friends with some dickheads. And is young.

all most people here are suggesting is that hems being a dickhead because he’s “hurting” arseholes. So why is he going to stop his behaviour and listen to you or the police doing the same? The shopkeeper about to take some incapacitated old man’s money - arsehole. The people he’s pulled over - arseholes. The people picking on kids - arseholes. So saying “oh you’re being an arsehole because you probably drive badly and aren’t in a position to reprimand them and the police won’t be happy” does nothing. As far as he’s concerned, he knows he cares, he knows these people don’t care, so why is he the one still getting told he’s in the wrong?

anyway, if you can find a way to have him demonstrate this positive trait in a healthy way, you might be able to stop it but just telling him he’s wrong is going to confuse him - because he’s not wrong at the core of it, and he can’t see past that. He’s Robin Hood.

and yes help him understand he is going about it wrong but not because it might upset the police - but because things like…it demonstrates to nasty people watching YouTube videos like his that they can pull people over and fuck with them, but they’ll just do it for fun not for a “positive” reason.

Read.The.OP.

I have a daughter a bit older with adhd and similar behaviour to your ds. She doesn’t go round saving people or setting people up but she is often arguing with people in the street or getting into trouble on buses or on the train and she always thinks she is right.

She also impersonates police officers. She was evicted because of it several years ago but she is still doing it. I had an angry phone call from someone she did it to only last week.

There is always some drama, mostly every day. I never know what is going to happen next.

I feel for you op. I am awake now as I am worrying about her. I wouldn’t live with her though as she brings trouble to my door as it is. I am surprised that hasn’t happened to you.

Who do you think has the right to tell children off, if not their parents and teachers?

First line of second paragraph

I can imagine that being chased down by a car is pretty frightening for his victims. I appreciate he is a grown adult and there is nothing you can do but his behaviour is dangerous.can you threaten to report him to the police if he doesn't stop?

I’m amazed he hasn’t been reported already - so many people have dashcams - front and back - so if you got stopped by this guy, gave all your details or were mildly suspicious then you would have been been in touch with the local police. They will take a very very dim view of his behaviour and actions.

Police are appropriately trained to drive to pull over and follow cars. He could cause an accident, kill himself, tge car who he follows orcan innocent bystander. I actually would report him.

I agree with this approach too. I’m pretty sure my adult son has mild ADHD and he’s very exercised about justice and things being fair. He quite often used to get nearly into fights for telling people off about their actions.

I also learnt early on that he didn’t respond to being told anything or any kind of punishment. He just didn’t care even as a tiny child; time out didn’t work, he’d just get straight up and you couldn’t put him in his room, he’d just leave, and I’m no pushover.

So I realised I had to explain it to him and negotiate. Does he realise how much this worries you. I’d be really clear about how scared you are that something will happen to him. Don’t focus on the consequences to him but more about how worried it makes you. It sounds like he is very empathetic and it might work better. Encourage him to call the police instead if someone is in danger or doing something criminal.

Also as with the PP explain to him that he may inflame situations or make driving scenarios more dangerous. I get that people are infuriating and it’s often tempting to lecture people but it’s not necessarily safe.

This

There is a lot of anti police sentiment on MN. But I didn’t realise people’s opinions of the police were so poor they think its an appropriate role for a rule avoidant, impulsive and angry man who refuses to be told what to do and thinks he is above the law. Come on now.