Son. Nice but dim

[YourSharpTealWriter]

I’m struggling with my son. He’s 20 with ADHD. His behaviour is reckless and he doesn’t care about consequences. There’s always some drama or other. His latest prank is he drives around with pretend blue flashing lights he’s got from you tube on his phone that he places on his dash board and stops cars of people he believes are drunk / drug driving. He jumps out of the car pretending to be undercover shouting at them, gets their details then gets back in his car and drives off whist his mate records this.

I’ve explained it is illegal to impersonate a police officer but he just thinks it’s hilarious. He’s also very moralistic and has no fear. For example he saw someone mistreating a dog on a walk and gave them a right bollocking. Or if he sees younger teens getting bullied in the park he’ll intervene and threaten to beat up the bullies who are trying to recruit ‘drug runners’. He’s got into a fair few fights. I tell him you never know who he’s confronting, they may have a knife etc. he just shrugs and says it’s the right thing to do.

He is lovely at home, respectful, pays his way. He earns a lot of money as he has a dangerous job working on the highways, I really can’t fault him. He also has a brilliant girlfriend, he treats her well and she adores him, but she works with people who have mental health issues so maybe she’s well equipped to deal with his behaviour, and enjoys a project? But he’s out all the time causing mischief and he’s going to get in real trouble.

how can I navigate this? I don’t think he’s showing any signs of growing out of it.

This might just have to be something you can’t solve, he will just have to deal with the consequences. Whether that’s being arrested or beat up.

I’ve already answered this

He doesn’t stop women. He waits outside the pub and follows males (generally young) who have obviously been drinking / taking drugs and follows them

Or stopping the wrong person and stabbed

What a horrible little bully. Looks for targets he doesn’t think he will fight back. Until one day he picks on the wrong person

There are a variety of things going on here.

Firstly, the filming of antics suggests he's looking for some sort of approval or validation. Paying for therapy at a relatively young age could show that he knows there's something 'wrong' and he just wants to fit in.

Secondly, the lad has got a job that he's turning up for and doing. That's a good thing. My son in law has ADHD and does similar work. The crew banter is something else. Testosterone off the scale. It's hard for the younger lads not to get caught up in it.

Finally, the right and wrong thing, I've known people with ADHD have an inordinately developed sense of justice, often intervening in situations where they see someone vulnerable being attacked or exploited. It's probably connected to a feeling of being vulnerable themselves. Alternatively, I've known ND people go on to develop worrying elements of grandiose tendencies that a markers for severe MH issues.

Your son is young and daft as a brush. At the moment, life for him seems pretty good and he's definitely 'one of the lads'. You're right to be concerned and vigilant. How would seeking help for yourself feel? You're carrying quite a lot of concern for the future. Would a supportive shoulder be useful?

He has no interest in joining the police force thankfully. His reasons are exactly as you say there are plenty of thuggish police abusing their power and he feels this is wrong on so many levels

OP - your DS’s erratic behaviour sounds like more than ADHD. Is there any possibility that he could have an issue with illegal substances/addiction? Could you talk to his GP with your concerns about his behaviour or ask for a referral to MH services?

I feel for you, this must be so difficult to live with, and you are no longer responsible for him - he’s not a child!

You’re spot on. Very insightful reply, thank you

Is it not just as bad to abuse power you don’t even have? Not sure he can take the moral high ground here.

That won't end well!!

I’ve talked to him about this and he says he’s fine with it

I don’t believe it

I know, he just doesn’t care though

I think he will have to learn the hard way. My dd has adhd she started to act like a adult around 22 it just took her a bit longer to get there but she’s sound now (although still untidy) My exh never fully grew up but probably started to improve around age of 30.

This is typical of ADHD. My son (younger) has it too and is in the process of working out his medication. He thrives on danger and physical challenge, which makes one of his hobbies good but in another setting (like the playground or on the road) would make me scared. He causes my cortisol to rise so often and really looking forward to him for him being calmer.

Has your son ever been assessed? Offered medication? I don’t suppose he’d be open to that conversation?

What's his girlfriend's take on all of this? Have you spoken to her about the risks he takes (particularly the impersonation thing)? Does she think he should be medicated? How does she deal with his idiocy and anger?

Surely you aren't trying to characterise all of this strange and awful behaviour as somehow caused by ADHD?

Maybe it plays some part, that wouldn't be surprising. But there must be way more to it than that.

The worst part of it - impersonating a police officer - I'd straight-up threaten to report him to the police if he ever did it again.

A lot of the rest of it sounds like he is just bristling for a confrontation and likes to gloss it with a sense that he is 'doing the right thing'. Is there anything in your family life that might have contributed towards having anger issues?

Struggling with your threadtitle a bit. He doesn't sound dim and his behaviour isn't at all nice.

He needs something to replace the thrill of challenging strangers - people with adhd can also have a very strong sense of fairness - so people drink driving etc rile them into wanting to sort them out.
Cold water swimming? mountain climbing?

I don't think there's anything you can do OP, except hope the police catch him before the drug dealers do. And I do think he should move out before he brings trouble to your doorstep.

She rolls her eyes a lot which is understandable. He does listen to her as he respects her. She tells him straight, and puts him in his place. She has more influence over him than I do so we talk from time to time. But she accepts who he is - nobody is one dimensional and she obviously sees his vulnerable side as do I

An innocent person could be killed as a result of his 'antics'. I hope he gets caught soon and gets a serious punishment.

How can you describe him as “ nice”. He’s not “nice” he’s horrible. I feel by describing him as “nice” and “moralistic” you are downplaying his asshole behaviour. He has obviously no right to stop anyone not to mind beat anyone up! And it’s not just about the consequences for him!!!! Following young men is really really creepy and wrong.

He sounds like he wants to play superhero. How would you feel if you were out walking your dog and a young guy approaches you shouting?!

And he approaches younger people in the park and decides they are bullies. Well he must be right so!! And clearly the only “right” course of action is to threaten to assault them!!!

I had a woman road rage at me for not proceeding into a roundabout quickly enough for her, Im still shaken by it weeks later.

Step up and tell him he doesn’t have the moral high ground. And that there are consequences for the mental health of other people in what he is doing.

Son. Nice but dangerous.

Just remind him that the dildo of consequences rarely arrives lubed.
One of these days he’s going to find out the meaning of FAFO.