Half cringing. Half admiring. Turning up at wedding after being uninvited.

[SlothsRUs]

We were at a wedding yesterday and we’re still at the hotel.

Husband had been out with a friend a few weeks ago and she had told him that the groom’s brother had stepped down from being best man as his stepson had not been invited.

I was delighted at this as when same thing happened to us my husband wasn’t supportive

It then emerged that he had tried to stop his own son from going but child’s mother and rest of family stepped in.

Yesterday came along and there is groom’s brother, wife and stepson sitting at back of church in casual clothes.

They then stood at entrance to churchyard at which point mother of groom saw him and started crying Family and friends including my DH shook hands.

We check in to hotel and come down and nephew is being comforted by the ushers

Brother of groom, wife and stepchild had come to hotel as well, where they stayed in the entrance for four hours.

He claimed he just wanted to be on the periphery of his brother’s big day.

I was half cringing and half admiring. I wanted to curtsy for his sheer chutzpah.

No one is talking about anything else.

"The bride and groom should be able to invite whomever they want."

They did, but weddings are public so anyone can attend.

DRAMATIS PERSONAE

1. Groom
2. Groom's brother
3. Groom's brother's son by first wife (groom's nephew - 12yo)
4. Groom's brother's stepson (groom's step-nephew - 9 or 10yo)
5. Groom's brother's first wife (not at wedding)
6. Groom's brother's second wife, also mother of groom's brother's step-nephew (at wedding)
7. OP
8. OP's DH
9. Groom's and groom's brother's mum (cried)

I feel for the bride and her family in all this, what a family they must think they've married into.

Also feel for groom's mum who will have wanted to knock her sons' heads together. She can expect her son's wedding day to be a happy day, not one to be ruined by the son who's already had two weddings himself.

Not so fussed for 9/10yo, probably won't know much of what's going on and easy when he grows up to think his stepdad was being a dick/ using him as a plotpoint in his relationship with his mum. 1

2yo nephew is probably wondering wtf is going on and will have to wrap his head around his dad ruining his uncle's wedding to make a point that he = stepbrother in terms of family standing despite stepbrother presumably having a dad of his own (?). Wonder how he felt at his dad's second wedding.

All of this is the fault of groom's brother who doesn't know there's a time and a place and that someone else's wedding isn't it. Also crap of groom to not invite brother's stepson, but nowhere near as bad as groom's brother's behaviour in ruining groom's wedding. Shocking, spiteful behaviour.

These people deserve to live in the playground ( not the stepson, obviously)
It's passive aggressive and a nasty thing to model to kids. They need to have a good think about themselves and their behaviour.

We are all having a difficult time understanding who and what has happened because OP is a bystander guest gossiping about events which she has only peripheral knowledge of and can't answer any of the nuanced details. She isn't affected by events and there is no purpose to her post other than relishing the drama of an upsetting family situation that will continue long after her weekend jolly. She admires the terrible parenting from the groom's brother who put two children in the middle of an adult dispute. What kind of a father is more concerned about making a point than protecting his children's enjoyment and dignity?

Yeah, how? I mean, nothing makes for a happy wedding like a load of people who are bitter about not being invited turning up anyway, reducing the groom’s mother to tears and then passive aggressively sitting in the public area of the hotel where the reception is being held.

It’s a wonder that such a lovely thing hasn’t become a tradition.

Are you a little bit mad?

He was putting his wife and stepchild first which is admirable but he should have just not turned up if he felt that strongly about it. It is a shitty situation to be in and I guess he just did what felt right. He removed himself from the formal part of the wedding but still made sure he was there to witness it. Whether his wife and stepkid needed to be there is a different matter. Of course the groom could have avoided all the drama and just invited the stepchild. If it’s a long term relationship then it’s really horrible of him not to.

Just because you can do something, it doesn’t mean you necessarily should.

You think it’s okay to ruin someone’s wedding because you’re miffed your stepchild didn’t get an invitation?

Do you think it’s ok to exclude the family of your own family and expect them to just go along with it?

I read the Original Post as - admiring this part:

Husband had been out with a friend a few weeks ago and she had told him that the groom’s brother had stepped down from being best man as his stepson had not been invited.
I was delighted at this as when same thing happened to us my husband wasn’t supportive

but then cringing at how things developed. The important message is that the OP felt affected as she had been through this situation and didn't feel supported.

What a thoroughly spiteful little person you are.

I am confused by the people who are confused. It reads fine to me, but sharing this excellent summary post for those who are struggling.

Bob is a knob.

But they didn’t have to go along with it. The brother pulled out of being best man. He said he wasn’t going to attend the wedding. That was entirely his choice.

What makes him a massive twat is going there to deliberately cause trouble.

What a terrible thing to do. Selfish and gauche.

Do you admire a man that upset and let down his own son and prioritised his stepson?

I can only assume he felt like he didn’t want to miss his own brothers wedding. He was caught between a rock and a hard place. He could have not gone which probably would have been the most dignified thing to do but then he’d have missed a special day and still cast as the bad guy in his brothers eyes. I actually think the groom is the twat in this scenario. Yeah we all know the bride and groom reserve the right to invite who they want to their wedding but it is very unpleasant to exclude a stepchild. As pp said, trash behaviour.

Your OP was very unclear. More info than needed made it confusing. Turning up when not invited was rude and selfish.

Groom doesn’t have a son. Groom’s brother has a son (invited) and a step son ( not invited). @SlothsRUshas said groom doesn’t have a son. Although the post is very confusing.

They didn't ruin the wedding, don't be so dramatic! If you think a 9 year old child attending a public service is "ruining a wedding", then gosh, I'd wonder how you'd cope if something terrible had actually happened.

I doubt it “ruined” the wedding. If l had been to the wedding, then l would have been amused at Bob’s performance and what a knob he is. To the degree l most likely would tell people when they asked me how the wedding was. I’m sure most people would laugh along about what a drama king he was and why act like that?!

You are either being deliberately obtuse or just aren’t very bright. If YOU can’t see how uninvited guests deliberately turning up anyway and then making a point of attending the same hotel is an attempt to ruin things, I fear for your comprehension level.

And you sound incredibly rude and narrow minded. This is an online forum, people are allowed to give their opinions. Just because mine doesn’t align with yours it doesn’t mean you get to hurl our personal insults. Really grim behaviour. Have a think about why you feel the need to do that.

“He didn’t want to miss his brother’s wedding”. Well frankly, tough luck. We don’t always get what we want. Most of us learn that lesson as children. And why does he think what HE wants, as the groom’s brother, is more important than what the actual groom wants?

He wasn’t caught between a rock and a hard place at all. He could have accepted that his stepson was not invited and gone, despite his disappointment. He could have decided he was more bothered about his stepson not attending than he was about attending himself, and declined the invitation. Perfectly acceptable.

But no. He chose to make a point in as passive aggressive a way as he could. And he dragged the stepson he was supposedly keen not to upset into it in the most public way possible.