I should not have to 'help out' with my dad's wife in later life.

[bovrilormarmite]

My dad is in his early 80s and has just made it clear that he expects me to 'help support' his wife if he dies first. For context, she is late 70s and fit and healthy but refuses to do anything or understand anything practical - travel, drive, make appointments, understand basic finances, how things work. They live very rurally in a massive house with no public transport. We live about 5 hours away and I work full time. I tolerate her and am civil to her for the sake of my dad, but that's it, as there is a lot of history (she split up my parents' marriage when I was late 20s and caused a huge amount of pain to our family). She has 2 sons in their 50s who are perfectly capable but one lives in Dubai and 'won't be able to help as he has work commitments' and the other is only a couple of hours away but 'not as good at that stuff'. I told my dad her sons will have no choice but to help if needed as I won't be doing it. He looked shocked. I am fairly sure I am not being unreasonable but not sure how to communicate this to him, as he clearly things I am.

Not us… other people who live in the area. For example when my dad had a knee op, neighbours drove him an hour to the hospital etc and she thinks getting lifts from other people is standard. Maybe it is in some communities but personally I would hate to feel I had to ask for lifts if I couldn’t drive.

Just don’t engage with it. If he brings it up again just say “of course she’ll be alright, but I don’t want to think about you not being here so can we stop talking about it.”

I'm sorry you're getting a bit of a bashing OP . You're being completely reasonable. I wouldn't give it a second thought.

OP, I think pretty much every poster on this thread has agreed that it is not reasonable for anyone to expect you to take on the responsibility of caring for your Dad's wife. But I think you need to accept that your Dad is just not going to see it that way. As far as he is concerned, his wife is family and you are family, and why wouldn't family members look after each other? Like so many other people who feature in Mumsnet posts about step-families, he cannot grasp that he cannot force other family members to see step-relatives in the same way as blood relatives. If you persist with trying to make him see, it's just likely to end up in a lot of acrimonious rows. It may be that you feel so strongly about this that you would actually prefer to have the row in which you tell your father expressly that you don't regard his wife as family. But don't hold out hope that he is going to change his view. I really don't think he will.

Then I wouldn’t worry about that if it doesn’t affect you. If neighbours are happy to give lifts then that’s up to them.

Well I guess she'll have to order a taxi.

Your father is crazy if he thinks you should take care of the woman who broke up your family, or at least helped break it up. Taking care of an elderly parent or PIL is hard enough; doing it for someone you don't even like? No, I wouldn't waste my precious life caring for a person I dislike, especially when she has sons who are capable of doing it instead, if necessary.

Unfortunately, he is so out of touch with reality that he will probably never accept that this is a reasonable feeling on your part. As you're not worried about losing any inheritance from him, I'd just make it clear that you won't be caring for her, so they need to make other arrangements. I'd tell him plainly why. You don't like her, and she's not your responsibility. That's reason enough. He's lucky you're still willing to spend time with him, let along her!

It’s nothing to do with this new wife of DF not being “family”. It’s the vile assumption that being a carer is OP’s natural role as his daughter. No discussion, just assuming it will happen…it’s revolting.
OP you are an adult and you choose who you care for and spend time with. Like most normal people you will care for those who have meant a lot to you over the years. So by all means have time with your dad, give him the love you so generously have despite his awful behaviour cheating on yr mum…
But you don’t have to do a sausage about the woman he has chosen over your mum. And lied to your mum about etc etc….in fact your dad is bloody lucky to have you in his life. A few home truths to your dad wouldn’t go amiss right now if you feel up to it.

But you can also choose to avoid confrontation and simply say “no that doesn’t work for me”… in the sweetest possible tones!

Good on you. You've set your boundaries. It's his problem.

She didn't break up your parents' marriage single handed, your dad was equally responsible. He should be assisting her now to manage the bills and so forth and she should be communicating with her sons to let then know they will be expected to help out. I wouldn't do it, he made his bed and she jumped in with him.

Agree with others saying don’t go much more into it while your dad is still alive, if he asks again just say you’ll do what you can.

Then once he’s gone, it will turn out that what you “can” do is nothing. Her sons will have to step up but your dad won’t be around to worry about it.

In the inimitable words of Bernard Black, she can expect away.
You've made clear to your dad that you're not going to look after her if she's left without him. You can't do anything more.

It's not your problem.

Sounds like, luckily, the son who is no good at these sort of things still has plenty of time to practice and learn.

I was in a situation where my Dad’s wife expected me to help her with things that she was perfectly capable of doing herself. I tried as much as I could but she was taking advantage to benefit in some ways but then lying to me about other things. I have no intention of helping her further.

Ultimately, why would you help someone you’re neither related to, nor would be friends with?

So remind him. My friend did in very similar circumstances. Her Dad went very quiet and then said he’d thought she’d got over that a long time ago. She told him she had never forgotten how he and the ow behaved towards her DM. She said the whole conversation was awful but she was glad that she’d finally said it. He stopped asking. In the end the ow died before her DF did so it never became an issue.

Completely agree with this.

Not at all unreasonable - if he carries on being so naive remind him that he chose her, you didn't, and that it would be up to her sons to arrange care, medical requirements, all practical needs or pay someone else to do so.
Don't even start, it's a slippery slope. I loved my parents dearly but even so there were a lot of things I wouldn't do so we paid for help and carers. I worked part-time but even so the things I could do - doctor/hospital/clinic/dentist appointments, hospital visiting, support with shopping, etc became completely time consuming. I had the chance in my last year at work to go full-time which I had always planned to do and would have given me a full final salary pension but, as my mum said: 'what about us' so I am now looking at 30 odd years on half a pension. Would you be prepared to do that for someone you don't care about and are not related to?
And I love my DIL dearly but even so no way would I want or expect her to do any of this for me.
I think they have a massive cheek for asking or assuming to be honest. Close that one down firmly and quickly. I repeat, he chose her, you didn't and she should know that.

My Mum is the same about her husband. If my Mum dies first not my problem number blocked and move on with my life

Only as you were called out on it

Ooof, brutal and sensible!

I can't see why a bit of straight (but kindly) talking this through with your dad should upset him. Say you'd rather clear the air about it now and then they can go on to make other arrangements, they can't do that if they don't know.

I wouldn’t agree to this but I don’t see the point in arguing about it. You won’t need to see this woman again after the funeral. Just nod and smile.

I would keep it neutral and explain from 5h away and working full time there's not a lot you can do and her son's would be best placed to care or arrange care. I wish her no harm, but if you go first, she is not my parent and she has her own family.

On the other side of the coin, it might be worth raising what you can do from 5h away for him. My partners grandparents were 3-4h from his parents and once they reached their 90s it was difficult and they spent a lot of time on the motorway sometimes going up multiple times a week. They had the benefit of being newly retired a few years earlier they wouldn't have been able to. Once one passed they were able to move the other grandparent to the town they lived in.

Yes! Brilliant question! Watch the misogynistic response you'll get, too!