I should not have to 'help out' with my dad's wife in later life.

[bovrilormarmite]

My dad is in his early 80s and has just made it clear that he expects me to 'help support' his wife if he dies first. For context, she is late 70s and fit and healthy but refuses to do anything or understand anything practical - travel, drive, make appointments, understand basic finances, how things work. They live very rurally in a massive house with no public transport. We live about 5 hours away and I work full time. I tolerate her and am civil to her for the sake of my dad, but that's it, as there is a lot of history (she split up my parents' marriage when I was late 20s and caused a huge amount of pain to our family). She has 2 sons in their 50s who are perfectly capable but one lives in Dubai and 'won't be able to help as he has work commitments' and the other is only a couple of hours away but 'not as good at that stuff'. I told my dad her sons will have no choice but to help if needed as I won't be doing it. He looked shocked. I am fairly sure I am not being unreasonable but not sure how to communicate this to him, as he clearly things I am.

Id let him go to his grave thinking I was going to do as I was told if he wanted to.
Doesn't mean you have to do a thing for her after he's dead.

I hope you laugh in their faces OP!

How can someone who acted so brazenly, breaking up a family and making them really unhappy can expect help from years later, as if nothing had happened?

My ex-in-laws, who I never got any support from, told my daughter that it was water under the bridge, when I wouldn’t meet up with them.

. I know loads of situations where it's the daughter in the family doing all the csring and the sons have almost no input. It's a joke.

I would rather she made an effort to enable herself to cope by herself rather than sticking her head in the sand. I have no wish for her to suffer later on but the sticking her head in the sand enrages me. And it seems easier for him to ignore it and carry on doing absolutely everything to keep daily life running.

Then say to him no, I won't be doing any of that. How do you think you will make me from beyond the grave?

This sounds an awful lot like three blokes who think doing errands and being a carer is ‘a job for a woman to do’. She’s not your mum and she’s not your spouse. Her husband and sons can sort this care out between themselves.

I am a bit puzzled as to why the woman sticking her head in the sand enrages you . If the behaviour was coming from someone who you felt morally obliged to look after, I could see the issue. But if you are not planning to have any contact with this woman after your Dad's death, why does it matter to you whether she sticks her head in the sand or not? Are you more worried about your Dad expecting you to help her while he is still alive?

YANBU in the slightest.

Well done for saying something. If he brings it up again, I'd be tempted to say that you find the thought of him passing first to be upsetting and don't want to discuss any further as you've already made your feelings clear (unless you do wish to elaborate of course!)

Try not to worry about people honing in on your comment about her splitting up your parents marriage; I think it's understandable that her involvement in that has not helped you to have a positive relationship with her, albeit that you have managed to patch things up with your dad. Whilst another woman (or man) is not to blame for a marriage breaking down, it does say volumes about someone's character if they're happy to be involved in a cheating relationship; you don't have to accept someone as your step mother when you know their actions hurt you and your mum!

Thank you. I don’t want it to seem like I’m blaming her for everything, it’s not a true picture of how I feel. It’s so easy to slip up in how I express myself and then people jump on it. I’m not a fan of her for many reasons, but tbh my dad is very much to blame for everything, including I suspect not pushing her at all to share in understanding of house finances and admin. It will be easier for him to do it all himself and then just ignore the problem of how she would cope on her own.

Your dad was shocked? What planet does he live on?

I'm in a similar position to that @WearyAuldWumman was, I'm currently caring for second DH after being widowed with associated pension/earnings hits due to giving up work early and little family support. Sadly it is likely (although these things are never set in stone of course) he will predecease me and I hope if so I behave with the same honesty, dignity and commonsense that she has.

Some of us are able to make halfway sensible plans for the future as well as run our own eg finances and @bovrilormarmite your father is of course being totally unreasonable. The only thing I'd do now is have another very straight conversation about downsizing to somewhere near facilities. Perhaps now you've made it clear you won't be stepping in (from 5 hours away) to sort everything that arises, he/they might be more receptive and if not, you've been honest with them.

Make it clear you won't and then don't discuss further. Once he's gone you will probably have very little to do with her. Fortunately you live five hours away which is not significantly less time than a flight to Dubai!

OP, your feelings about your dads wife are totally valid. However, you many find that she copes better than you expect if your dad dies before her. I've known people suddenly become very independent and capable when their partner died, in similar situations to this. It's a weird phenomenon but I have seen it more than once.

As others have said you don't need to bother communicating to him you won't do it, just don't engage with conversation with him on the topic. Once he's passed you just cut her out, quiet, no fuss, done 💐

It’s more likely that your father split up his marriage as he’s the one who took the vows. Not saying she’s innocent, but he’s the one who betrayed your mother. I don’t think you’re being unreasonable, though.

I agree that expecting the nearest female in the family to do the caring duties is misogynistic, and it is utterly depressing that it continues in practice to be largely women who take this on. Although it was never a positive thing, it dates from a time in history when women weren't expected to be breadwinners, and instead supposedly had the time and leisure to be carers within the wider family.

At that time, adultery and divorce were also not countenanced. So it is especially ludicrous that OP is expected to care for the non-blood related half of a post divorce couple who wouldn't traditionally have counted as 'family' at all. It makes no sense even within traditional family/gender roles....but then patriarchal attitudes always manage to shape shift to find a way to make the woman responsible for tedious and repetitive family labour.

Just say ‘whatever you say, dad’ and then when he dies tell her no and never speak to her again. If she pesters you tell her to fuck off.

Your dad (and mum) chose to have a child because they wanted one. You did not choose to be born to provide care at the detriment of your own life later in life.
Sorry Dad it just isn't practical. I'll send her a Christmas card and if we're in the area at any point of course we will pop by but that's all I can do.

Yes, I agree with this. Both being fit, healthy and needing no support until death is very unlikely. So the issue of care for one or other of them is likely to arise sooner or later.

Having read all of your updates, it sounds very reasonable. You’re not punishing her, you just won’t go out of your way to help her.

I wouldn’t be bringing up the subject again. If he does I would turn the question on its head and you act shocked that he would expect you to do it rather than her actual relatives. Feign surprise at the original ask and just say it caught you by surprise given as how you aren’t related to her, don’t live close by and they have chosen to keep themselves quite isolated.

I do not think there is a need to say much now. I would be clear you are working and live some distance away. Just decline when requests come your way and redirect to her children.

@bovrilormarmitewhat did your dad actually say when you told him no?

Completely agree.

She broke up your family? Then it's a plain no. Yes, we should help out parents, and even strangers (look how most people run to help an old person who has fallen in the streets), because without civilisation, life is brutish, but it's people like her who destroy that civilisation (as Hobbes didn't say).
I would have said it would be nice to help a stepmum, but not one who behaved like this.